NEW BLOG: HOWLING INSIDE

Hello fellow humans, for the last time here!

I bet you find me to be very quiet lately as my last post was done on Valentines Day. Guess what? I recently created a new (and much more voguish) blog, titled Howling Inside.

No worries, it'll still be the same old me writing the way I used to. Trends change quicker than I could flip a pancake, I'm doing this for the sake of you lovelies! Feel free to throw me comments about the new blog, any improvements will be happily made by this weird little husky. If you happen to love it, it would benefit both you & I if you could subscribe to my blog by listing your email in a widget you can find there! All kinds of ideas are very much welcomed, hope you could stay a while!

Have a great night, and I'll see you there aites :)

Valentine's Alone

Waking up to the freezing air

Not spotting any teddy bear

Into the blurry light I stare

Valentine's Day is awful, I swear

Shots of love Instagram was filled

Without difference, Twitter too was killed

Turning my head to the right, I looked

Even my plushie had such a day booked

After all the cringing scenes

I decided to head out to sightsee the greens

Not expecting to see a couple of two

Kissing each other that gave me the flu

Headed back inside to watch a movie

Well, The Notebook definitely made me moody

The kitchen I go to make myself lunch

Heart-shaped cereals didn't help, I boringly munch

A snap of fingers, I see the moon

The night's here yet I hold no balloon

Devastating, ain't it? February 14

Singles out there, at least we're all clean!

Yup, that's me.

- Inspired by how society gives a hard time to the singles out there during every February 14. -

Awful Stereotypes

Few days ago, I attended my first ever Sociology class in my first week of college. What's Sociology, you ask? Well, it is the scientific study of social behaviour or society, including its origins, development, organisation, networks & institutions (basically humans in groups, I think?). Yup, the field is pretty wide to me, and I chose to sit in this subject as it'd probably decorate my Communications major. Lots to memorise/understand, at least I own my liking to this subject.

One of the subtopics I learnt from class last Tuesday was a term you can spot from the title above - Stereotypes (no I did not learn what's above the stars). A term widely used in society nowadays, it is also something we shouldn't practice & model in the 20th century. Here's a thing you gladly discover about me today: I HATE people who stereotypes. In such a rapidly-growing & advanced decade, there is no way I can understand why these doltish humans chose to follow the view of old/dead people of their same kind. Like come on, man. Why would you think Asians are freaking smart anymore? Most of us were forced to bury our faces into books & dictionaries when we were young, don't say you're still in support of that torturing childhood story! Anyways, here are a few stereotypes I loathe to the extend I'd spit on horrible humans who practices them.

1. Tomboys are gay.

Alright guys let's end it all here for once. WHY IN HEAVENS WOULD YOU THINK SO? Just because they dress like a boy & skateboard to school, there's no way that makes us fall for the same gender as we are. I'm not saying there are no gay tomboys, but I'm spreading the awful logic of this faulty stereotype to the world so inconsiderate souls would stop thinking so. Do you know how hard is it for us when boys cut off the affection for tomboys as we are stereotyped as gays? I have guy friends saying shit to me as if I don't get hurt like girly girls, pulling my hair thinking I'm wearing a wig (why) & of course, thinking I'm in love with my bestie. So please, just stop it all for us cool people's sake. 

2. Asians are good at math.

Nope nope nope, at least not for me. I HATE & suck at math, even the calculator doesn't sound like help to me.

3. People with beatifully decorated houses are rich af.

Okay this is not a popular one you'd hear your buddies rant about, but it's something I can definitely relate to. Yup the interior design of my house is throughly-thought & my family did spent a lot on our warm cozy shelter, it's because you see, it's our fucking home. We rather spend our hearts onto a place where we'd enjoy lovely times with our closest relatives than waste it on stuff like fashion & food etc. As a matter of fact, we rarely spend our notes on entertainment like going to the movies & karaokes. Thus in conclusion, we don't buy IKEA furniture just to look like we're top class citizens, I can hardly afford my college education so shut up.

4. YouTubers are (expected to be) extroverts & fun in real life.

Firstly I'd like to declare most YouTubers ARE fun in the non-virtual society, allow me to refer to the other small half of the YouTuber community. I'm an extroverted-introvert, for example. I do love to laugh & shake new hands all the time, but it's also one of my struggles to actually greet & make new friends. I constantly try so hard to squeeze myself into crowds & try to be cool in order to have unknown classmates approach me, but I was unintentionally trained to be an anti-social kid. Here's a tiny favour I'd ask for, next time you see us, feel free to greet & hug us first before we nervously run off! 

That's all I suppose. High five to you if you agree with me! Don't worry if you don't though, I'll still give you a high five then drop it off once you're into it. Nah blame's not on me, you're slow.

Hope you enjoyed the read & stay beautiful on the inside aites! Alanis xx.

Can It Just Stop.

It's just so difficult to allow such a rare (positive) spark enter my head, yet I loathe how the people around me play the heaviest role in pulling me back into darkness. It doesn't matter anymore whether they are conscious or unconscious about their intentions, today's the day where I step back into a space. A space which doesn't hesitates to mute the voices from outside. Access is temporarily or permanently? Fate shall decide.

Let's not hide or deny anymore & lay things straight, I'm furiously writing about my eating disorder again. Yes, furiously is the word. To start off, I'll first ask the questions you need answered, - "What happened? Why are you bringing this up again? Aren't you getting better?" Trust me, I feel the confusion too. Since the last time I wrote about this issue, it was a post worth writing to let out my inner gloom. By a scarce grasp of willingness to fight off the demons as describe on the first line, I forced myself to eat, bite, chew like a normal kid. Joy & long lost excitement got to me again. College life seems like a story I'd find interestingly fun to live in. Could say I actually forgot about being the kid who contemplate about food, fat & calories every single second my heart beats. Dear anorexics & bulimics out there, I'm sure you'd understand how rare it is to have propitious moments like this.

Until it all ended today.

After environmental studies class today, I strolled my way to Subway nearby to grab a few White Chocolate Macadamia cookies before my ride home arrived. I carelessly chomped my way during a 20 minute wait, then tagged along my family to a Malaysian cafe for tea-time before heading home. Just stating, the tea-time with them was unplanned so I was stuffed after that. About two & a half hours later, we had homemade pasta with cream for dinner. During that time, my tummy wasn't feeling well from all the cookies & (unhealthy) snacks I ate in the evening, plus I was still glutted. With such valid reasons, I told my parents that I'll have a smaller portion of pasta instead of the full plate they served me. Out of nowhere, my mom shot the bullets at me saying I'd be the person to blame if we don't have tea-time sessions or her cooking dinner again etc. Basically she was forcing me to eat up everything on my plate so she doesn't crack her voice again. 

Without a choice, I oblige myself to scoop up spoonfuls & swallow every bit of food while my tummy terribly hurts. What hit me at first wasn't being sick or dealing with something people around me don't, but the horribly wrong informal education my parents enforced on me. I don't know how to elaborate what they said more & all the hurtful thoughts swirling through my head, but they just don't know that they are the ones killing me with an invisible dagger, pushing me off balance after each time I struggle to stand. At that intense moment, all I could think was 'shit I have to purge later', 'gosh I don't think my body can stand this', 'fuck it I'm gonna relapse', 'why are my parents doing this to me'. It just appears to be so unfair to the point I'd done mostly everything to save myself, but they relentlessly do the exact opposite to screw me up. How can one's parents don't give a shit about their kid dealing with a fatal disorder after their kid actually confronting them, and instead speak as if they want the kid to feel the worst? You tell me.

I just really want to stop eating & burn this issue into permanent ashes. Alanis xx.

Spring Orientation

New year, new life!

As you may know, my high school life has come to an end (sorta) & it's time for me to hop onto college. It's been about a week ago since I attended my orientation days in Sunway University, and I'm writing this post just a hour before my Journalism class starts. Time definitely flies, I swear. I honestly feel like a 13 year old walking into a class of 20 year olds! Where's the long lost maturity?

Anyways, I'm writing this to sketch about my experience regarding the past week of forcing myself into a new environment, shaking new hands & speaking more proper English. Was I scared, nervous, my inner self crying out loud to end the sessions? 60% yes I would say. As an extroverted introvert who did tried my best to stick with being extro for the day, it was a mild struggle. Like you know, I have the need to project an extro look to the humans as that was how I looked on my 2nd YouTube channel. Welp, it turned out awful as I wasn't convincing at all. There were surprisingly a few awesome people who appear to be as random as I am, thus became really cool buddies! Yup it's tough to find someone who's as arbitrary as I am.

What else to say? Hmm let's pinpoint this topic onto an activity I went through on Day 2. It was some group activity to train our high order thinking skills or some crap. I don't know. Welp, our leader appeared to be as intimidating as fuck, which made me close to dozing off since he won't even listen to other outputs. Despite the leader, the activity itself was poop, causing no one to attend the next session on Day 3 but 8 lonely humans (including me) out of 60. Shockingly, that session was less dull & a little more exciting with the tiny amount of people. Now I think about it, it's actually pretty boring..

To put this into a conclusion, orientation was crap.

Okay it wasn't entirely crap, I met crazy people I'm gleeful to meet like Justin, Tram & a few more. Without these humans, I'd die in class rotting into moss. Oh I guess I'm supposed to attend another orientation for the late spring intake kiddos (which is me) as I'm a UPP student still waiting for my SPM results. Basically I can't sit in classes for credit hours yet without the results that are going to turn out horrible anyway. Let's not think about that & enjoy the 7-week program, aites?

Sometimes the face doesn't say it all.

Have a great week, Alanis xx.

Breakfast Favourites!

Evening humans, I recently started eating clean (again) as it's still the holidays for me & I have the free time to prep & cook most of my meals. Also as a Tumblr hugger, the scrumptious-looking concoctions never fail to inspire my heart of cooking! Yup, grocery shopping for these healthy bastards did cost me some bucks, but the after-satisfaction tells me that it's worth it. Plus I'm a fruit lover. 

Anyways, I scrolled through BuzzFeed's healthy side & found so many recipes I'd die to try! One of them that knocked me straight onto the head was smoothie bowls. They caught my eye as I was pretty bored of my breakfast routine (simply grabbing biscuits & binging on other shit) and breakfast is the only meal I'm able to prep with no time limit. After going through the list of delicious photos & considering multiple aspects like fruits I can actually afford (example: NOT PEACH), I went with Strawberries 'N' Cream as the grocery mall near my house has a frozen strawberry sale going on & other ingredients can be purchased conveniently. Here's the outcome!

Buzzfeed's 'Strawberries 'N' Cream' Smoothie Bowl.

The toppings I threw onto this icy creation are blueberries, muesli, Greek yogurt & a drizzle of honey. Recipe hereeeee. Although it's kinda hard for my tiny blender to blend up the solid fruits with very little liquid, the result is amazing. The honey makes it sweet enough, all the frozen fruits gave it a firm touch without melting in seconds. Love how the muesli gave it some texture too, that's why it's called a smoothie bowl! 

After a wonderful start of the day, I immediately went to plan for Day 2's morning pill. Of course I could have the same thing, but since dad just bought home some bananas, I decided to create a different smoothie bowl for the next day - Blueberry Banana Smoothie Bowl! Well, it turned out alright, just that I could cut the honey next time as the bananas are already sweet enough.

Blueberry Banana Smoothie Bowl!

Ingredients:

1 medium banana

1 cup of frozen blueberries

1/4 cup of greek yogurt

Few tablespoons of milk (or icy water if you don't have milk)

Toppings (optional):

Blueberries

Sliced bananas

Muesli

Drizzle of honey

Blend together frozen blueberries, banana, greek yogurt. Then place your desired toppings after scooping them into a small bowl! By the way, I only used two thirds of the banana & kept the remaining ones for garnish. Like I said, feel free to cut the honey unless you have a sweet tooth. Have fun making your breakfast exciting!

Have an awesome day, Alanis xx.

Unknot My Head

You know what's tremendously hard for me? I'm talking about something that constantly bothers me in a way that steals the healing pill away. Not asking for it, but people barely understand.

It's what you're looking at right now. This blog, its content, these words.

I'm not sure about how much people around me know, but I don't want them to. Yet I write pessimistic shit on a public site expecting people not to discover. At the same time, I need alive ones to look at it, balancing the equation of expressing & listening. It's confusingly complicated, I know. Now the intention of this read is to explain to you what's so frustratingly tough, something I can never overcome. I regret creating a two-sided reflection of myself. Chose to hide my horrible imperfections & tried so hard to impress for a life. After all these years, I could say, I succeeded? People would refer me as the tough little daredevil who does crap she like. Yet inside, I contain so many untold secrets that once I expose, people won't believe me, because of what I reflected in the past years. And that's what scares me, when I now found realisation & want to save myself. Wanting to express myself through words & all, but can't seem to do it with an unknotted heart. For so many reasons, two being destroying all the long-built impression & letting down humans who somehow look up to me.

I just can't do it without shutting both eyes.

How could I feel comfortable publicly writing on my blog that I'm struggling with disorders, knowing my juniors could see them yet I need an understanding audience outside my world? How could I possibly express my terribly low-leveled self-love without people lowering their expectations from me? I'm that senior who sits down & listens to another person's problems, later helping them overcome their issues & giving them warmth; because I'm good at helping from experience. I know there are millions of souls out there like me, struggling to grab a lifebuoy in the middle of darkness without turning the lights on. But it's just so difficult as I already projected a crumpled image of myself. I'm not as strong as I look, instead I suffer from crap only very insecure humans cry from. I care so much about judgements I shouldn't care about, causing me to overthink anything and everything. I'm that sensitive, and it's just worse when people don't know.

People ask me whether I'm gay or bi although I'm just a straight tomboy. And it deeply scratches the sensitivity in me. Speaking about being a tomboy, people rarely lend us the warmth, because we look like we don't need as much love as girly girls do. Can you imagine a tomboy wrestling with anorexia & bulimia? A tomboy who has depression & harms herself? Probably nope, as we look like we don't give a fuck about insecurities, don't we. Adds up on how it's harder for me to open up compared to girly girls, how hard it is to be accepted into society. I remember the first time I told a friend I trust about my condition, she just couldn't believe it & thinks I'm kidding. Another thinks I'm searching for attention. All because I don't look like a weakling who would force herself to throw up dinner every night, cry herself to sleep & tattoo her arm with a blade.


I'm only a tomboy with a scar & so much you don't know.