Onision Saved My Life

It's midnight, I'm watching Onision's videos regarding self-harm & suicidal thoughts for psychological needs (to balance out my mind) and I felt this strange feeling of not knowing what's my next step to proceed. What can I do to continue fixing myself piece by piece, getting stronger day by day? My current answer's I don't know, not because I fell into my own hole again, but I don't seem to get a glance of chance of me getting help. Not on me this time.

To credit the someone whom really snapped me out of my near-death misery, I would say the person's Onision (aka Gregory Jackson). He's a YouTuber able to be considered as my favourite, makes straight up honest videos without a single fuck given, and speaks by experience. Scrolling back in time, I was severely depressed for numerous reasons - unfitting environment, moronic friendships, parents who find me unacceptable, eating disorders and more. Soon after months of terrible productivity, I took up a habit of blades & blood. Frankly, friends who noticed said words which never helped, instead unintentionally dug me a deeper hole. As I was always hooked up with YouTube during unsleepable nights & free time, the search bar I clicked then typed 'suicidal thoughts'. Onision popped out. And that's when I was given the first ever help.

It may sound crazy or insane to you guys about how obsessed I am to YouTube to even gain therapy from a social website. Well here's the thing, I have nowhere to go. My parents (sorry to say), they really don't give a single fuck about my mental health. I tried to hint them, instead they told me depression's shit & would never kill me & it's bullshit & I'm just trying to make my parents have pity on me and some other crap (including disowning me). Trust me, there's no other way my parents could play aid in my situation, one more step they come & I'd probably pull the trigger. Friends, not exactly a positive outcome for me either (I didn't really approached, I just distant myself). Some adults I know either advice me too much on irrelevant facts which irritates or they don't give a shit at all. Thus, this all leads to myself. I can't afford therapy sessions without my parents knowing, school counselling seems like the worst decision I could had went for, there're basically nothing I can call out for without my parents understanding. Now you see the light of why YouTube means so much to me.

Back to topic, I was watching his videos in autoplay rolling continuously, most are the same ones I used to watch last time when I was in an unstable state. One of the best attainment was that his one video made me stop cutting instantaneously (scars scars scars). The inspiration was always there, but the effect reduced itself. Here's my current situation; I'm swimming after I'd recover from drowning, but in a pool without ladders. I broke the wobbly position I stood, but now I'm stuck without a guiding light. I desperately need someone to talk to, a therapist for example, to get me running again. From replaying videos from YouTubers such as Hannah Hart & Onision, it's wonderful to know how they regain themselves from obtaining therapy help & becoming who they are today. And I don't ask for much, but just a helping hand I could grab on, someone I could express the grey side of me. People who know me would picture me as someone who laughs & smiles all the time even at 'lame' situations, that's the image I desire to portrait to the people around me. However, equilibrium flips itself 180° after only exposing one side of oneself. That's what getting me, watching amazing people go through a similar past as my current time by accepting who they are & getting help, but I don't own the opportunity to feel better. I suppose it's eligible for me to say it's unfair.

That's all I urge to write out from heart as my comments & feelings after rewatching numerous of Onision's life-saving videos. He really is amazing (p.s. we share the same birthday). Greg, if you're reading this, hope you get the thank you message & if you could do so, write or sound back as it would help so much.


Have a great weekend, Alanis xx.

Early PewDiePie Likings!

Morning world! As a loyal fan of Pewds, I always have a few gameplays of his which I immensely love despite whether they were posted in the year 2010 or 2015. Stuck in my repeat album, why not I share some of them early ones with you all & you guys can go check out the fun! 10 would be a great number, I suppose.

1.  Pom Gets Wi-Fi

Insanely amusing with second degree burns & dark jokes, this one's definitely an all time favourite. And I'm assuming that you guys would know to pardon the 'crudeness' as umm hey, it's PewDiePie that you're watching, aites!

2. Keep Calm & Make Tea

This one... no words can be said without me choking laughter. Watch it for yourself & you'll understand why.

3. Beyond: Two Souls

Don't worry, no spoilers will be spilled! In my words, this heartfelt gameplay stays in a puddle of paranomal happenings, drastic emotions, justice & actual life. More than 10 episodes, I bet you'll be staying up all night with popcorn & a tissue box to satisfy your addicted mind. It's just such an amazing game! Die hard fan of Ellen Page. xx

4. Baking Simulator

Similar to the tea one, I laughed my guts out when Pewdie's having a hard time. Best baking skills I'd ever witness!

5. Heavy Rain

If you read my previous blog post, you probably noticed something about the rain & the Origami Killer. Yup, this is what I'm referring to. Totally a must to check it out as it tackles your emotions too, tissue box required. All them feels.

6. Bully: Scholarship Edition

Another lengthy gameplay, this oldie hold a classic atmosphere which attracted Pewds to play it. Although it may seem boring to some people due to its early graphics & school-related storyline, I had a great time staying up for this as Pewdie's witty jokes & the way he plays it never fail to interest me.

7. Prop Hunt (w/ friends)

"Why isn't this table moving? Argh umm don't even bother I swear I'm not a table." I rate this 11 out of 10 dolphins. Adding onto this humorous sequel, Minx was sooooo funny I just can't.

8. The Walking Dead

Entirely different from the TV series you heard about, this one stabs your heart with a heck of a storyline filled with emotions. Don't forget the gore too. You would love this if you love intense gameplays of survival with kids in it. To sum things up, Pewdiepie even cried at its ending.

9. Happy Wheels

Currently with 76 episodes, this is actually one of Pewdie's successful playlists most of his fans requested for! Bet you didn't expected a bike riding game to hit the top, eh? Sadly he slowed down on this simple game & now 'plays' his attention on the modern games such as GTA 5 & Infamous: Second Son.

10. The Last Of Us

Last but not least, here's one of the best games of 2013. The alive dead included, this game is glancing more at an unbreakable bond of the two main characters. Fancy the graphics, character movement & voice acting. It's tough to describe it without spoiling it though! Praying hard for part 2.


That's all for today, wishing you peeps a happy week of surprises!

See you soon, Alanis xx.

Beats Before Talent

Memories pulled me back to when I was five, I remember randomly hitting objects with stationaries such as pencils and crayons because I feel like to. Annoyance was the term teachers and adults pinned on me besides weird and noisy. But the truth is, I don't know why. Why are my knuckles always hungry to knock, why are my fingers so playful to play the piano even when the keys aren't present. Mom & dad used to say it's a bad habit of mine that I need to get rid of, which I found hard to understand back then. How is knocking objects a negative addiction?

Question marks continue to hunt my immature mind when I hopped onto elementary school. As usual, I drum my desk with out-of-ink pens or sometimes fingers when I wasn't aware of my physical side. Students dislike my company in class because of the distractions I create. Of course I felt down for some time, but I was pretty fine with such an unexplainable habit of mine. At least it's better than grinding my teeth that produces a sandy resonance, which I told no one before.

Things began to clear its rainy clouds above my head when I got enrolled into high school. My addiction sort of 'improved' through years of heedless practice I perform everywhere I went. Soon, my beats got noticed by a true friend of mine. She referred my convention as a talent which gently blown my mind away. During the time, I discovered an amazing musical expertise from my classmate. As you guessed (or not), it's a thing named "Pen Tapping", which is creating fruitful beats by only one or two pens on a desk. I was staggered by such a rare informal performance my friend played in class and decided to get my itchy hands on it. With a month, Pen Tapping was a flair I could include in my casual application.

Yup, just two pens & a desk.

Very unexpectedly, this stage of mine became my main spotlight of my YouTube channel. My first cover went viral within the humans I know in days. Subscribers click the button more for pens than piano, proving that something I learnt in a month was attractive than a skill I took years to master. I admit I feel down sometimes watching my piano covers lose gas while on their way shooting to the stars, but a long lost invincible spark managed to drag me back on stage. 

I never knew my randomness in knocking solid objects could turn into my spotlight till now.

The focal message I want to send to you all amazing humans is real simple: Everyone owns a talent that allows each of us to shine in our own unique ways. Hidden or not, never give up on cultivating it even if you may meet harsh barriers on your hilly journey. 'Cause trust me, you're going to need that talent with you one day in order to permanently frame that cheeky smile on your face.

Meow. (Yup this cheeky smile)

Subscriber or not, thank you for the support on YouTube from the bottom of my heart. ;) 

15 Dots of my Bucket List

"You know all those things you've always wanted to do? You should go do them."

Was I yawning or roaring again?

Here are 15 tiny but mighty dots of my current bucket list. :)


1. Travel all around the world. Backpacking would be a fitting challenge!

2. Master culinary art, earn the title of Top Chef & hold the chance to meet my favourite chefs (Guy, Kristen Kish, Cat Cora etc).

3. Deserve my own YouTube Partner Reward of getting 100K Subs (silver) and 1M Subs (gold)!

4. Receive an invitation to a really cool YouTube Collaboration. (YT Rewind!)

5. Keep my hair real long then flare it up with gentle red highlights. Mmmm.

6. Own 4 kids named Logan, Danielle, Zoey & Asher.

7. Have a collection of my favourite fashion assets: Hoodies, Snapbacks, Sneakers...

8. Open a restaurant of a combination of my two favourite cuisines, French & Mexican.

9. If possible, get a double degree of fine culinary & creative directing.

10. Meet Ed Sheeran & let the inspiring artist sign my guitar with colourful sharpies.

11. Rule the guitar like Sungha Jung & expert drums till I could play by ear.

12. Learn to fluently speak & write French & German.

13. Get fit & toned, I suppose? (Nah this one's a must.)

14. Adopt a puppy / a few puppies! (Husky, Beagle, Akita, Shiba Inu..)

15. Learn Kickboxing & Parkour like a boss. Hmm I'm actually serious about it heh.

Stars on my head, I suppose?

Hope you had a beautiful day!

Alanis xx.

Piano Covers: Behind The Scenes

Helloooooo! As you peeps know, I'm a rookie YouTuber and own a YouTube channel full of instrumental covers and weird crap.

Wait, you don't know? Here you go, my awe-inspiring channel. youtube.com/pawslikeaboss

Hmm back to the topic. Ever wonder how I capture my piano covers? Thing is, they never once gave me a smooth time. For every piano cover, random crap happens at least once. That one wrong note when the end was near, camera falling off my window pane (ouch), camera battery dies out of the blue, piano sheets got blown off the stand onto my face, all types of crap. Believe me, I explode every time it happens even though it happens all the time. Sometimes I got so frustrated I 'delayed' my cover for a week. That's how bad it is.

Won't it be splendid if I show you peeps the bloopers? Sadly, I can't find all my past failed videos in my phone or laptop. Guess I deleted them all during last winter, welp. But on the bright side, here's something I got from my recent piano cover. (Warning, random alert)

1.  Before I start filming, a hair swift is very essential. 

Do I look good on camera?

2.  Next, a Grimmie Salute as a respect to my idol, Christina.

#TeamGrimmie

3.  Hmm how 'bout a wave to the fans? Oh gosh this never ends huh.

Heyyyy.

4.  Why not do a hoodie flip if I have a hoodie on?

Hoodie is love. <3

5.  And when your song is near the end, your finger decides to tackle an incorrect key.

F. M. L.

6.  Finally, the 'unicorns & rainbows' feeling when you achieve a cover you find satisfying.

Yayyyy in silence.

Now you know piano covers don't only include playing the piano. 

Here's the piano cover if you're looking for it. See You Again (Piano Cover)

Cheers! Alanis xx.

Christina Grimmie's Twin!

Hey there fellow humans! Ever heard about the fabulous Christina Grimmie? You probably know her from her original YouTube channel 'zeldaxlove64' or from The Voice Season 6. Just in case you didn't know, I'm a huge 'frand' of her & part of #teamgrimmie!

Yu rawk, Grimmie!

Well, just found out that I could be her twin!

Grimmie Salute!

Hahah pardon my randomness. It sparked my head when I was taking a new profile picture for my YouTube channel with my favourite green-black headphones on. With a touch of the awesome Grimmie Salute, poof! I call it the 'Grimmie Transformation'!

Welp, terribly sorry for exposing the random side of me. Love you all <3

Levels of Aspiration

I hold a soul craving to shine

As everyone around laughed while watching me twine

Lying like death ain't gonna help so why whine

My bold painful fist lifted me up to find what's mine

I began to draw life that exists in my joy

Wild imaginations I opened and deployed

Soon people around me noticed and enjoyed

Something they would read all day without being cloyed

Few weeks later I spread the muse

Music's my spark like feet and shoes

Piano, once a chained-on torturing fuse

Became none but my emotional abuse

Rhythm and beats are somehow my thing

So hidden I never noticed till my friend taught a fling

Thanks to him as it woke me up like a bee sting

It turned into an unexpected specialty I could wing

Confidence then risked myself a bet in red

Youtube it is, which I'm glad I went ahead

A thousand subscribers, rising and never dead

The dream I worked to chase, finally revealing its bed.

Chase your dreams.

- Inspired by real life events I went through. -

Start of Music

“I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” 

Some of you should be familiar with this quote. It's from a book "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman. I haven't read the book yet, but its film was one of my favourite movies. Inspiring & life-reviving, Also reminds me of the start of my early music life. Contrary to Mia's though.

Parents want their kids to learn music because you know, musical kids are better in studies, blablabla and so on. Piano was the path my parents chose for me. I started learning when I was 5. As a kid I enjoyed it a lot, playing 'Do Re Mi' while reading those colourful scores filled with cute pictures. Beethoven Bear & Mozart Mouse was a part of my childhood. But soon I could feel it wasn't as enjoying as I thought. My parents want me to take ABRSM examinations so I could level up & be better. It's cool you know, improving your skills and all, but it felt wrong. Only allowed to play my examination songs & scales. I was forced to practice & practice for hours. 

It was lucky that I had guts as a kid. I told my parents about how I felt about the exams & told them to take it easy on me. But my piano class fees weren't cheap, so my parents can't afford to let me waste time playing songs I want. It soon became torture to me. I often cried on the way to piano class, screaming excuses to skip classes as I was never good enough for my teacher. I tried to not touch the piano whenever I can. Something I used to love became something I hate awfully. Life suck during that period of time, everything seemed to be falling apart.

Please Mia, don't make me write a song.

As predicted, in 2011, my parents stopped my piano classes as they don't want to force me doing something I hate. I felt like I could breathe again, being able to stop playing exam pieces.  At first I always distanced myself from the piano, then I started to cover pop songs we hear everyday on the radio. Play-by-ear is a talent I was born with, so covering songs are a piece of cake to me. I started a Youtube channel with my piano covers uploaded there. Things started to get better, smiles started to appear on me more.

Two years later, I'd decided to go back to piano classes to continue where I left off.  I'm going for ABRSM Grade 8 next, but this time I made a deal, saying that I'll enjoy the journey playing songs I want & also practicing for my upcoming exam. Till now, everything was going smoother than ever. My Youtube career's cool, 245 subs & growing fast, and my Grade 8 exam's in April 2015. 

In the end, I would say mistakes are made for a reason. Without stopping classes, I wouldn't find out what I could do with my play-by-ear talent. I wouldn't had started a Youtube channel, I wouldn't enjoy music the way I do now. I'm glad I never gave up on what my parents had chose for me & instead choose my dream instrument, which was the violin. Still, I'm getting one as soon as I pass my Grade 8 as it's the instrument I would die to master. You won't believe this but yup I learnt how I play the violin in 3 hours. 

Someday I'll be playing it like how Mia plays her Cello, throwing myself into the violin, playing my soul in the wild. Dreams.