Permanently Tucked In Jeans

You know the everyday thoughts you receive throughout the day, most of them being random & all, maybe even related to unicorns & penguins. I have mine too, and some of them meet the qualification to end up on this simple little blog.

Today while my butt warmed up the passenger seat of my dad's car, getting a second ride to my future college's Open Day, I looked in the mirror wondering about how I look & did I wear proper enough to not let myself down in front of lecturers & administrators. It was nothing fancy to start with, just a blue jersey-material tee with sweat pants, toed with a pair of muddy trainers. Basically, I look like shit & could look better with effort, but somehow I didn't care. Then the thoughts came in about what would people think of my thoughts regarding this topic. And it went deeper, more irrelevant & so. I'm a deep thinker in weird stupid thoughts, you see. But these are the things my creativity generator fueled on in order to keep my interests running. My blog, for example.

Sums my life up.

Anyways, back to topic before I float away again. My thoughts found me the urge to write a post about my thoughts on getting dressed every single day. In a way people could understand relatably, so here's it. First, I'd like to express that getting dressed irritates the heck out of me sometimes, in a way similar to how girls stare at their wardrobe complaining they have no clothes to put on, but with a mini twist. I have so many aspects swirling around in my head when it comes to dressing myself. Not to look like a guy but my clothes make me look like one, not wearing the same clothes over & over again, trying to look feminine but at the same time look cool, all these inessential judgements kills me. What's worse is after tucking on & flipping out clothes for half an hour, I often end up losing the motive to dress to impress & would just put on pyjamas and leave the house. The girl who gives zero fucks.

I struggle more on not wearing the same stuff over & over again than not looking like a guy (nah it's the same). My favourites you could possibly see me wear 4 times a week are my black skinnies, the only pair of converse I have & printed jerseys. These items are always on me 24/7 because their simplicity expresses my style. Yes I do wash them, so don't keep asking me why I'm so boring. Might be surprising to you, I do love crop tops, muscle tanks and more feminine clothing but they always get changed out before I leave my room. I just can't accept them tucked on me for a reason I myself don't understand, but I'd love to wear them out! Skirts are a no no, doesn't mean dresses stick in the same category as them. Although I only own two summer dresses, I'm dying to get more but at the same time I suck at getting them on me before leaving my bedroom. How's that a struggle for you guys?

As a tumblr-ish 17 year old who definitely has a feminine touch in her that people often unintentionally smack that off by hurting insults, fashion does play a huge part in my life although I don't prove much of it everyday. I'd love to make fashion hauls & Ootd vlogs based on my style on YouTube but I constantly have a feeling that people won't accept that coming out from me. Probably because I'm a straight tomboy who has spilled my wrong first impression to people, now having to live up to it. I'm not what I seem to appear most of the time, so you should learn how to stop locking a personal judgement of someone's look once you knew (or thought you knew) them. And hey, I'm not exactly a boring human being who can survive with wearing cargo shorts & a dusty tee all the time, didn't get my dad's genes for this one! (Sorry dad)

Staph.

Nonetheless, just dress to be you, the real you I mean. Sometimes people just don't care.

Stay crazy, Alanis xx.

Flawed Jaws

Everyone has their flaws, and today I chose to talk about the physical ones that can be identified on one's look in a blink of an eye. Mine is something rare that happens in the circle of friends I live in, something that must be explained when one questions. You'd probably noticed as it's pretty obvious, my underbite has been causing many misunderstandings for a while now.

Yup.

Got it from my dad's genes, I was born with an underbite that grew much more obvious throughout my childhood years. Surprisingly, I didn't knew I had it until I was called 'monkey' during my 3rd year in primary school. Staring at the mirror for hours like an insecure teenager, I was wondering - "What's wrong with me? Why do I look different from my friends? Am I really a monkey?" Luckily I wasn't a kid who care much about other people's judgements (or at least during then) thus I happily brushed it off & continue living life. Slowly, I realised it's getting obvious & obvious year by year, and I began to feel my unconfident shivers popping out of my chest. I didn't like it, the look & the nicknames, especially when they are reflected on one's face which is unavoidable to take a glance at everyday.

In high school, noticeable changes are my abnormal smiles, trying to hide the lower lip in but it only show the jaws more. As my teeth are also very untidy with chunks of it growing with different angles, I had one of the worse teeth you can ever have. An often asked question by my school mates was "why don't you go get braces?",  even I thought so too. Until I pulled my parents along to the dentist far away from home to get it checked & inquired more about it, I became aware that my case isn't the usual 'crooked teeth' kind of situation where you just pull out a few teeth & have braces on for years to have it solved. It's an underbite, the only way to fix it is surgery. Freezing that moment, I was terrified of the pain & the huge amount of uncomfortable time I had to go through, but I was so willing to fix it I could agree with whatever treatment as long as the nicknames stopped shooting towards my head.

But the problem is not about the pain, neither the hurting clock ticks, but the cost.

The surgery costed 30 thousand bucks, you see. Adding on the 2-years-braces & getting a few teeth out, the total's around 40k. Insurance couldn't cover a single cent as it's considered as a type of cosmetic surgery, something to improve one's appearance instead of health (but lets talk facts, fixing an underbite does improve teeth health). Staring at my parents' astonishing faces, I knew the answer's no. Went home sobbing in the car, my head was filled with negativity of continuous mocking I had to face all my life. People didn't knew the stuff they say about it actually hurts the hell out of me. Try being called an ape everyday in class, it's not something laughable at all. Friends often misunderstand my mood when they stare at me while I try to pay attention in class, most would think I'm mad as I do look mad, but I was not. Having a resting bitchface all the time is already not helping my life, imagine having an underbite stacked on. Plus it's not something I could possibly hide in any way, something I have to deal with 24/7 in the social space we live in.

The point is, think twice before you start to judge on one's personality or anything. Or don't judge at all & just go home already. I used to be very unconfident about my underbite, but now I'd accepted it as a part of me & I feel okay letting it show its flaws to the world I see. Yes it definitely annoys the hell out of me when people don't get me, but what can you say? A little explanation wouldn't hurt a soul I guess. Would I still have the surgery done in the future when I could afford it? The answer's yes. Hey, it's not because I'm denying my father's genes, but I'd love to see how I look with such a flaw taken away from me, it would be fun shocking the friends who once teased me too (you'll see what you missed hohoho). Anyways, don't look down on the physical flaws you own aites! Embrace it to the fullest, it's a part of you so you gotta be proud of it! Extraordinary always beats the ordinary, don't let it incinerate your social life in any way!

That awkward smile?

I feel you, you feel me, we all are in this journey together. Just be yourself yup!

Wishing you a fun December, Alanis xx.

Harry Potter | Q&A

Greetings muggles! As you may know or not, I recently rewatched every Harry Potter movie due to my faded memory towards its storyline & also to destress myself throughout the horrible SPM journey. Definitely no regrets although I ended up only getting 2 hours of sleep for 8 days straight. They were so good that I was willing to screw my study schedule just to keep my head entertained! Today, I'll be doing a Harry Potter Q&A (or tag whatever you like to call it) that consist of 15 questions about the amazing series. But before we start, I'd like to make it clear that I had never read the books & only watched the films, so everything below is based on the screen instead of the pages.

Awww.

1. Favourite male character?
Either Draco Malfoy or Neville Longbottom, I just can't make up my mind!

2. Favourite female character?
Luna Lovegood. Such a sweet & innocent character.

3. Favourite professor?
Severus Snape. His death sent me to my bedroom, hugging my teddy soaking it with tears.

4. Favourite & least favourite movie?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows part 2 is my favourite other than Half Blood Prince. Snape is the reason why as I reaaaaally adore the character to the extend I would read his wiki page again & again. My least favourite would be Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone.

5. Would you rather travel to hogwarts via A) Hogwart Express or B) Flying Car?
Definitely Hogwart Express! Not trying to be safe but I can't afford to miss the scenery along the luxurious ride & the candy cart. The flying car doesn't seem fun to me..

6. Would you rather A) Kiss Voldemort or B) Give Umbridge a bubble bath?
Gosh this is hard. I'm disgusted by Umbridge but at the same time I can never kiss Voldemort no matter what unless I had to save lives. Probably go for giving that ugly bitch a bath. (Or can I give Voldemort a bath? That's better)

7. Which house was your first gut feeling you'd be a part of?
Slytherin is who I am. Long explanation, but if I get to pick a house to be in, I'll go for Gryffindor because I have strategy in mind.

8. Which house were you actually sorted into on Pottermore?
I did it twice on two different websites, got Slytherin at first, but then I got Gryffindor on another one. Confusing eh?

Hermione being Hermione.

9. Which is your favourite class?
Another hard one. I would say Defence Against the Dark Arts, with Transfiguration and Dark Arts coming behind. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin.

10. Which character do you think you'd instantly become friends with?
Ron Weasley! We can chat all day I suppose!

11. If you could own one of the three hallows, which one would it be?
The invisibility cloak. The elder wand seems like fun, but of course we don't want it to be in the wrong hands as I would play around with it.

12. Favourite spell?
Sectumpsempra. Not because I'm evil (okay a little evil) but able to control the slashes by swinging the wand sounds exciting to me! Muahahahahaha.

13. If you could bring one character back to life, who would it be?
SNAPE. I really wanna bring Dobby back to life too but aaaargh I need Snape to live, I'm sorry!

14. Favourite location?
Hagrid's hut. He's such a great guy who saved lives without knowing.

15. Hallows or horcruxes?
Hallows. Why would I want to be immortal with the risk of others destroying pieces of my heart than be the master of death?

<3

Should you rewatch Harry Potter when you have nothing to do? YES, GO DO IT NOW.

Have a great day, Alanis △⃒⃘

Why Communications, but not Film?

So here's the other blog post which I promised you guys from my last write, read on!

You might be awfully curious about why I went with a Communications major rather than Film, especially when one of my ambitions is to work in the film industry. Long but important story I'm about to tell you, you might even learn something from this meaningful write!

Me excited for college.

First of all, let's compare the real career choices that can be offered after graduating from both degrees. For film, there are the usual film-related gigs available (camerawork, editing etc), producing & directing are the main ones I love. Other than that, the larger percentage consists of commercial management, sales, business, clerical & much more. You see, the percentage of getting a hollywood-related job is only 12%. But hey, don't get me wrong! By now you should understand that I'm quite a risk-taker who would not pull myself back just because it's a 12%, just let me finish up the next paragraph for me to make a full explanation on this aspect.

For communications, this now popular & widely known field basically covers mostly everything because it's a social thing (duh)! With its degree, there's a huge area of careers available like public relations, event management, advertising, journalism, broadcasting & even social media! This actually includes a few film-related gigs like directing & producing with a little film studies on hand, get the picture?

Now time for the real comparison based on numerous aspects. One of the main reasons I picked ADTP is not just because I want to study in America, but I want to live there. The plan after graduating is to get a stable job so I'll be given a working Visa, years later a Green card. To get a stable job, I have to pick the one that's safe & would work on plan, which is communications as there are more secure jobs available than that of film studies. Besides, if things don't work out the way I want & I end up flying back to Malaysia years later, a communications degree can still provide me a great career here! Imagine having a film degree here, it's difficult to actually get an enjoyable job (for me, at least).

Talk about interest, I definitely have more towards film than communications, but honestly, why pick the favourite so I could enjoy 3 or 4 years of further studies then suffer the worse later? In my position, I'm currently not financial stable, nor could I afford to pay all my college and uni fees without searching for ways to work things out. I don't have a backup plan if I fail, not like my rich friends who have their parents's business to continue if they can't find a job after uni. My wallet's not fat, I can't go for higher studies after graduating from uni to get a secure dream job later on. Dodging all these comparisons, it's not true that I don't own interest for communications. As it happens, I love communications too! Hence, it's not exactly a pain in the heart for me to make a choice like that. I'm totally cool for it, presentations & talks are my thing (although I suck at it).

I hope the stuff above clearly (and long-windedly) explained to you about my choice of a college major. Now the advice part - First, always pick what you have interest in no matter how crazy it sounds to you or other people. If you love music or art so much you want to take its degree, go for it! There's no such thing as 'music is for people who can't get good grades' or some other stupid saying from foolish adults. Next, pick what's best for you. Lay out a draft of your future, analyse it with mature thoughts. Don't just think about how fun your college life can be, but the life you earned after throwing your graduation caps for the last time. Also, don't follow your friends in everything & their study choices (seriously!) People who does this are always fated with regrets after finishing their first semester when they figured out that they are in the wrong field, studying the wrong major. I'm sure you don't want to switch courses after studying crap you hate for months (unless you have a fat wallet, then give it a go).

Yup, that bloody rich.

Hope this post helps you to think twice before making one of your biggest life decisions, definitely more obliging writes regarding college education to come!

Stay smiling, Alanis xx.

After-SPM Plans

Finally there's time for me to spam the keys! (nah I was just lazy)

To most of the 98's in my country, the hurricane seems to have settled down for them. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AROUND THE HALL LIKE YOU WON THE LOTTERY! Oh why you ask? 'CAUSE I STILL HAVE AN EXTRA SUB, PRICKS.

Snape is awesome btw I still can't get over his death x.

Okay my bad, sorry for the rage.

Moving on, since my head couldn't resist the thought that SPM is over (soon), I've already began to plan my after-SPM schedule for the past weeks. And by plan, I mean real plans without the goofing & gaffing. In our imaginative, creative & wild minds, there're just so many things blurred onto our bucket list that sometimes if you storm a little deeper, some dreams aren't even realistic at all. Somehow I've always managed to keep my plans clear & real since I was a kid as I'm an individual who compares the real & unreal way too much. Like I fully disagree with fictitious ambitions without laying out a tough path of grueling obstacles to build experience & achievements. Don't get my words wrong though, I do have pretty far fetched ambitions like becoming a full time YouTuber & working in the film industry, but it IS possible for me to achieve them with the correct road & mindset, which is drafting & executing the plans needed to reach the finish line. Here's an example of people I loathe: People who wants to be a YouTuber but constantly give excuses for not being able to create a channel/upload content regularly. With such behaviorism, trust me but you're getting nowhere in years. It's not about making things perfect, but trying's the first step! I'm not trying to brag or whatsoever, but I at least try to keep my videos uploaded at a weekly basis & do constantly brainstorm for creative ideas. Thus, this also leads to another after-SPM plan you'll read below!

After I'm done with EST next Tuesday, one of the first things I'll do is pick up driving lessons. Does it sound terrifying to you? Because controlling a fast-moving object with only pedals & a driving wheel freaks the hell out of me. In the meantime, I'll get a part-time job for two months before the college life shoots in (excited!). Becoming a barista in Starbucks was always a tiny dream of mine, I had sent in my application, but I'm kinda underage (still below 18) so it's a 50/50 chance I might get the gig. Besides that, I'll still be involved in a few Scout activities during the holidays & might apply for a Scouter position if I can cope my college studies with its commitment, although I doubt I'll be able to apply as the course I'm going for is quite an all-around which tends to need more time & dedication in order to score in all subjects. Not just that, a second YouTube Channel is on its way soon! It's where I'll upload comedy, short films & vlogs weekly so it doesn't mix with the music/animation channel.

The most exhilarating part for me is planning & applying for college! The course I really really really want to go for is the American Degree Transfer Program (Communications Major) in Sunway College. In overall, it is a course that not only tackles the subject I'm about to major, but it contains a lot of minors that are selectable such as psychology, environmental studies, natural science & so much more. Basically, it's similar to high school where I'll have tons of subjects including the one I major to study for, therefore it's a course that needs full concentration & smart studying techniques to notch. If you question me, why major Communications rather than Film if my dream is to work in the film industry? I'll leave that interesting topic to another future blog post as there's quite an amount to explain. This programme is also high in cost which is a huge worry for my parents & I as there are so many subjects & I'll be spending a year or so in the states (2 yrs here, 1 year there). Hence, if I get the chance to pursue this dream course I'll need to secure my future platform, I'll definitely go all in & never loose a muscle.

Yup, that's about it on my REAL after-SPM plans I suppose! There are surely other things I have on the list, but these are the prioritised ones I'm either excited about (college!) or having to do so (driving, for example). What are your after-SPM/holiday plans? Feel free to let me know in the comments below!

#spmday10 #biology

Tiny piece of advice, focus on being productive than being busy!

See you soon, Alanis xx.

Trip to America! #PartOne

Many people know that I went to the states during the 2014's year-end school holidays, and most of them questioned me about the trip, how was life there like & so on. Without a clue, I started to realised that I actually didn't take any time off to blog or share this rare experience to the curious ones, especially for someone who used to junk her blog 24/7! 

Well, without further ado, here's a collection of much rather random (and ugly) shots my uncle and I took during my one-month stay in the US.

Flight delayed. (3rd from top)

Flight ticket! 

In the cabin with a bunch of French monsieurs & madames.

See any Malaysians? I DON'T THINK SO. D:

I remember myself going insane when in the morning of 28 November, I realised my flight was departing on the night itself! (I thought it was on 29..) Asking me was it a scary experience? - It was terrifying. For someone who doesn't travel abroad often, it's like swimming in the middle of the ocean. But trust me, once you get over the wanna-pee-your-pants phase, it's all good after that. Just follow the signboards & ask for assistance (also learn a little French), and you'll be fine! The 13-hour flight from Malaysia to Paris was literally a pain in the ass though. Luckily I had the aisle seat or else I had to communicate with authentic French people so I could visit the restroom. Hey, a French girl actually sat on my left & I swear I couldn't understand a single word besides excusez-moi. 

Reached Paris! (Paris De Gaulle Airport)

Had to fill this scary form before heading onboard.

This glaced waffle was delicious! Costed me £1.

Once my plane hit the ground of the chilly Paris, I rushed my way to another terminal to catch my next flight to Chicago. The shuttle bus I took gave me a brief view around the airport, including the foreign plants & scenery my eyes wasn't offered in my birth country. Cool vending machines were everywhere - the waffle above was bought from one of them! Before even able to relax my ass in such a country I adore, passengers of the next flight was called to board the plane.

Airplane snack during the transit flight to Chicago. (Savoury & Sweet)

Reached Chicago O'Hare Airport! My uncle's whole family including my cute cousins came to pick me up (not to mention, I gave my Aunt a pretty good scare). We had dinner at a restaurant opened by Malaysians, visited a grocery store then head to a nearby hotel for an overnight stay. Of course, jet lag kicked in as I spent my snoring times on Pac-Man & Tetris on the plane. Next morning, we head to Chinatown for brunch at Wong Kok's after stuffing myself with bacon & eggs. Before the 3 hour drive back to my Uncle's home in Michigan, we hung out at the long walk near Adler Planetarium where we took pictures of the Chicago View & the Zodiac Statues. To be frank, it was FREEZING cold even my fingers were shivering & 'smoke' breathed out from my mouth while I spoke, but the scenery was just too fascinating I could never afford to miss.

Circle of Animals / Zodiac Statues in Chicago.

Some statue outside the museum. (It's Copernicus I think)

Chicago View aka ignore my ugly face.

Chinatown in Chicago.

Snowy view from the hotel we stayed for a night.

To be continued!

Stay tuned for part two, Alanis xx.

Reckless & Stupidity | #SpmDay1

Day 1 of SPM was such a bitch.

It was one of my best Malay essays I ever wrote in life, threw in nine idioms & a poem, great elaboration of points, and guess what - the worst that could happen actually happened.

My essay was off the topic. My first time going off topic, and it decided to occur on SPM.

As the matter of fact, the way I knocked in the realisation was hilarious. Thinking that a word from the question owns a meaning of such, I wrote the 4-page-long text obeying its requirements. Coming out of the hall with a slight grin, Nedd & I proceeded to the library to revise for our next test. There, I flipped open the Malay dictionary to triple-confirm the meaning of that word, shockingly discovering the exact definition of it.

Basically, the question wants us to write about the methods to promote World Peace. 

Well, I scribbled ways to promote our country's peace.

Fucked, am I?

Nedd stared at me hysterically while I began to laugh like a psychopath ready to map its next killing because seriously what else could I do? Start shedding tears, flooding the library? You guys probably know it's not my thing to tear up in public (especially in a library) but I admit, it's tough to hold it in. Malay was a subject I sank my heart into just to understand, furthermore it was a subject I actually 'study' for. Not the brag, deep inside I knew that if my essay was right on track, an A for Malay might not just stay as a dream anymore. And yup, I screwed it up because of my stupidity of blindly believing that I knew the meaning of such word, and confidently chose the risky path instead of a safe but boring one. Definitely learnt my lesson, eh.

In a blink of an eye, I felt my world collapsing. It's impossible to accept the fact that this subject might give me a grade below credit, or even failing it. If I fail, I would have to retake this heartbreaking subject a few months later. If I pass below credit, I would have to take up this subject in college. Worst, I might not even get into the course I aim for if I don't get at least a C for Malay. People around me would find this as not a huge deal that I should move on from, but it hurts because my essay was good. It wouldn't scar so much if I'm usually bad at Malay or I already screwed up the elaborations of the essay in the first place. Trust me, I tried so hard to forget about it so I could focus on the other subjects, but it just couldn't work. I'm not okay at all. It's really something that obstructs me to forgive myself, all because of plain stupidity & my reckless habit with a touch of overconfidence.

Sniffs.

With the objective to draw away my miserable thoughts, (lame) puns & jokes were naturally pulled out from my tongue to spark a laugh or two. Did not expect they would choo in a train of asthmatic guffawing till we barely revised a single thing during the 3 hour break. Deep down, my inner soul was tired of crying. Got a little (unhelpful) kick after Nedd told me that she could see the tearful me under my laughing coat. Somehow, watching my buddy laugh her lungs out cheered me up with a twisted thought of 'at least I'm making someone else happy, ain't I?'. Nope, not heading for some sacrificing-happiness-of-oneself-to-make-others-happy bullshit because that's just attention-craving crap, but I gotta say, seeing someone being joyful because of the jokes I pull out really glues a smile on top of my frown. Genuine smiles, of course - Don't frame it up just so I could sell myself a lie!

Hmm on the bright side, at least I get a short day's break as I'm having English for tomorrow. Hoping for the best for tomorrow, screwing up one favourable subject is already way more than enough for me! Better head off revising a little more idioms for tomorrow's essay, SPM's not something I could excel by the seat of one's pants!


All the best, SPM candidates! Cheers, Alanis xx.