Desuetude of Friendship

Alright here's the thing, I personally was a kid who believes that without friends by my side, I would go insane being alone (I mean too alone, alone is cool). Well, that thought was one of my first primacies years ago. Guessed it or not, there's always something that snapped, changing my perspective towards the fellow earthlings surrounding me. I would say that the fondness towards my friends changed for good (mostly) as I currently rarely deal with amity dramas that may cause tearful nights & 'I-don't-wanna-go-to-school" days.

If you're wondering what happened, nah I ain't telling you as I have readers who are involved in that awful incident (although I really do own the intention to slap the truth & honest thoughts into their faces so they would bear with guilt forever).

In these few weeks, I'd been experiencing touchy issues regarding friendship which are exhausting to care for. I don't know how to explain, but tiring's the word for it. Imagine if you're already not a friendship kind of person, you're not exactly sensitive to the emotions of your friends, but they kept bugging you, spilling emo thoughts hoping you could dive into their hardship, taking bullets for them. That's what I'm currently experiencing, and trust me, it's not fun being Superman at all. It's like I'm already carrying loads of shit to agonise about, and someone's trying to pull me into their well of darkness. Yes, I'm a caring person (sometimes I care too much), but I'm done with putting myself into people's problems when I already own enough.

To me, not caring much is a piece of cake (sounds evil heh), but drawing myself out of the trouble zone is a pain in the ass. I can't just say "Hey shut it with your problems man, keep them to yourself & rot", eh? Especially when I'm soft-hearted deep inside, it's a tough provocation for me to just leave a friend at the sidewalk, watching him/her wordlessly calling for help while lying lifelessly waiting for the sight of light. Yup what a hysterical rendition, but it's as literally felt as written. Of course, I gave in & fired blind chances to someone who once mattered to me, instead I got tugged multiple times into her dramatic incident, causing myself to revel 'sobful' months. Very not cool experience.

Woooooo.

Humans close to me (except Nedd) may not understand this ineffable harsh side of me, but this's how I truly execute life, how I try to keep the air around me breathable, how I could comfortably accept my doings. A raucous cutback of allies would highly occur, but it's how I roll. 'Cause why throw yourself into other deadfalls when you yourself can't even crawl out of your own trap?


Have a great weekend,

Alanis xx.