Thursday, 12 February 2015

Past and Present

2nd month of 2015 is here, I hope everything's doing fine for you peeps out there! As for me, I would prefer the term 'neutral'.

To be frank, 2015's sort of harsh on me, but in a good way too. I received challenges I never thought I would face until I took a hard turn in life last December. It wasn't called giving up, but letting go. Difficult to explain. Like there was this active programme of my social life I like or don't like being at (I don't even know), and my head told me to get out but my heart couldn't, so I stayed for years until suddenly lightning struck, I was finally willing to let go (realising staying don't give me crap) so I did. But it wasn't letting go total, because I got a position and getting rid of it isn't fancy, so I'm currently stuck with it. It just felt different because in a sudden, I lost all the passion for it and I actually dare to not think about it every single second. Super relieved.

Reason why I stayed for years? I don't know. There were two thoughts I had. I stayed because I felt Ohana, I felt like I'm at a place I'm actually invited to be, allowed to join and bond. It touched me deep because I was sort of an unwanted kid during that time. But the other side of it, which is why I felt like leaving is because yes, Ohana right? Everyone was close and stuff, but I still felt like the odd one among everyone there. Thought there were misunderstandings or crap, but it was true. I got confessions and apologies behind the real scenes when everyone think I was sick or overthinking. I don't tell because telling would only make things worse. Trust me, I tried, I regretted big time. Sorry but the word 'trust' disappeared in my dictionary long time ago.

As a typical Scorpio, I'm freaking competitive in mostly everything. I aim for the best as long as I know I could do it, and that helped nothing during that time. I aimed for higher statuses year by year, working my ass off behind. People noticed of course, but for someone else, people noticed more. First year my friend got it, jobs given to her were more than mine. To me it was a bad thing because to compete, you whole heartily complete your tasks right? But what happens if you run out of tasks? And of course your higher-rank friend works her blood off to finish hers too. Lastly, she was told of doing a great job by completing such many tasks while I stood there thinking,"HOW THE HECK DO YOU DO MORE THAN HER IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO DO?" 

I sort of shut myself down so that the thought doesn't bother me every single second. 

Yeah, I wasted years competing for nothing but thoughts that severely distracted me from my studies, family, friends and sports. Call me an idiot, I deserved it. Back to the present, yeah I gave up all the competition and stuff, raised the white flag. It was a new space for me, not needed to think about negativity and worry about the future I didn't even want to own. I got a position, not a really high one so it doesn't really need any of my Scorpio traits for that. Great to be back to myself. *smiles*

My full time companion.

But of course, I still feel a little out of place sometime when the committed team gathered for projects or activities and I'll be there like,"Should I give it all in? Or should I just hold it back and show that I'm done? I could give it all in to make the team score, but... erm..." I just stay at my comfort zone to prevent my past from returning. Free me from those nightmares! 

Wish everything would get a step ahead from this year onwards, grant me a chance to actually reply people "Yeah, I'm grand. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." (TFIOS is amazinggg). For now, everything seemed okay I guess? Well let's see while time flies. Au revoir :)