Valentine's Alone

Waking up to the freezing air

Not spotting any teddy bear

Into the blurry light I stare

Valentine's Day is awful, I swear

Shots of love Instagram was filled

Without difference, Twitter too was killed

Turning my head to the right, I looked

Even my plushie had such a day booked

After all the cringing scenes

I decided to head out to sightsee the greens

Not expecting to see a couple of two

Kissing each other that gave me the flu

Headed back inside to watch a movie

Well, The Notebook definitely made me moody

The kitchen I go to make myself lunch

Heart-shaped cereals didn't help, I boringly munch

A snap of fingers, I see the moon

The night's here yet I hold no balloon

Devastating, ain't it? February 14

Singles out there, at least we're all clean!

Yup, that's me.

- Inspired by how society gives a hard time to the singles out there during every February 14. -

Can It Just Stop.

It's just so difficult to allow such a rare (positive) spark enter my head, yet I loathe how the people around me play the heaviest role in pulling me back into darkness. It doesn't matter anymore whether they are conscious or unconscious about their intentions, today's the day where I step back into a space. A space which doesn't hesitates to mute the voices from outside. Access is temporarily or permanently? Fate shall decide.

Let's not hide or deny anymore & lay things straight, I'm furiously writing about my eating disorder again. Yes, furiously is the word. To start off, I'll first ask the questions you need answered, - "What happened? Why are you bringing this up again? Aren't you getting better?" Trust me, I feel the confusion too. Since the last time I wrote about this issue, it was a post worth writing to let out my inner gloom. By a scarce grasp of willingness to fight off the demons as describe on the first line, I forced myself to eat, bite, chew like a normal kid. Joy & long lost excitement got to me again. College life seems like a story I'd find interestingly fun to live in. Could say I actually forgot about being the kid who contemplate about food, fat & calories every single second my heart beats. Dear anorexics & bulimics out there, I'm sure you'd understand how rare it is to have propitious moments like this.

Until it all ended today.

After environmental studies class today, I strolled my way to Subway nearby to grab a few White Chocolate Macadamia cookies before my ride home arrived. I carelessly chomped my way during a 20 minute wait, then tagged along my family to a Malaysian cafe for tea-time before heading home. Just stating, the tea-time with them was unplanned so I was stuffed after that. About two & a half hours later, we had homemade pasta with cream for dinner. During that time, my tummy wasn't feeling well from all the cookies & (unhealthy) snacks I ate in the evening, plus I was still glutted. With such valid reasons, I told my parents that I'll have a smaller portion of pasta instead of the full plate they served me. Out of nowhere, my mom shot the bullets at me saying I'd be the person to blame if we don't have tea-time sessions or her cooking dinner again etc. Basically she was forcing me to eat up everything on my plate so she doesn't crack her voice again. 

Without a choice, I oblige myself to scoop up spoonfuls & swallow every bit of food while my tummy terribly hurts. What hit me at first wasn't being sick or dealing with something people around me don't, but the horribly wrong informal education my parents enforced on me. I don't know how to elaborate what they said more & all the hurtful thoughts swirling through my head, but they just don't know that they are the ones killing me with an invisible dagger, pushing me off balance after each time I struggle to stand. At that intense moment, all I could think was 'shit I have to purge later', 'gosh I don't think my body can stand this', 'fuck it I'm gonna relapse', 'why are my parents doing this to me'. It just appears to be so unfair to the point I'd done mostly everything to save myself, but they relentlessly do the exact opposite to screw me up. How can one's parents don't give a shit about their kid dealing with a fatal disorder after their kid actually confronting them, and instead speak as if they want the kid to feel the worst? You tell me.

I just really want to stop eating & burn this issue into permanent ashes. Alanis xx.

241 Days Later

Yup, the scar's still present on my left wrist, only without the spilling blood.

You might remember one remarkable blog post I wrote few months ago as I definitely do. Specifically 241 days ago, I was drowned with dark thoughts in my classroom, wanting to kill myself. And I did try, the blade sunk deep slicing peach flesh, revealing a greenish blue vein inside me. All was remembered well as it was a day that changed me lots. The self-granted drug I sniffed was strong enough to made me let go, to take my first step of freeing myself. I was pissed from slashing that cut, it left me a scar which would stay for eternity. More pissed that ever, people who are fated to care didn't fucking noticed my near death. I constantly ask myself, why should I care when they don't? Obviously it's a stupid question where I should care for them although they don't show the same, but I couldn't stand it anymore - the quarrelling, misunderstandings, unreasonable finger pointing, so much unfair prejudice that once & still holds one of the reasons of why I urged to jump off the 6th floor. 

It's not much, but it's more than enough.

Alright lets take away the point where such 'caring' people didn't seem to help mend me at all, but they don't just leave me drowning, they unfix me. Meaning they fucking screw things to the worse extent I rather disappear from their sight. Rude for me to say such words, but try standing in my shoes, what would you do? Trembling arms not even close to seeking self-help, I'm forced to swim in my scrambled thoughts day by day while staring at mental abusers. I finally opened up to my condition that I needed assistance, yet you restrict me from a lending hand outside of home. Does my situation makes it justifiable to say I feel totally helpless? Because that's what I feel every single day, stuck in my room trying to make things right, at least better. As someone who prefers hiding my own issues from the blissful smiles around me, it feels horrible opening up that I'm not okay, but I understand that I have to, yet what I obtained in return is embarrassment, regret & dreadful taunts.

Hate to say this so much, but I know I'm relapsing & my will's against from fighting it away. For the past few months I try so hard to think positive for real, get blades out of my sight, forgive & forget and so on. I pushed Ana away & gained my pounds back, I placed Harry's invisible cloak on Mia & it has been months since I purged. But the experienced ones knows that once they get to you, they never leave. My saviour Onision slapped it on our face that after all we can do, the only way to solve it is to seek for professional help, which is the one thing I couldn't attain from where I stand. Thanks to him, I officially brought cutting to a halt & I truly hope I don't relapse from cutting again. It was a tough journey, but I managed to loosen my fingers. As for that one senior who made the deal (read old post here), go fuck yourself. I hung onto the deal for your sake, yet you continue to smoke then & now. Could say it ain't surprising you broke the deal by looking at your doubtful face!

I'm writing this out of pain because I have nowhere else to exert my worries, and I apologise if this post didn't make your day brighter. After all, I began to blog as it's my one & only place to write who I am despite the acceptance of others. Hey, doesn't this prove that no one's living a perfect life as what it seems on screen? Just telling you I'm as ordinary as you are, maybe even a little broken inside.

Remember it's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Have a great one, Alanis xx.

Soon-To-Be Freshman!

Oh gosh, the speed of time is really intimidating to my snowballing maturity.

What my young heart feels is that I just enrolled into kindergarten yesterday, went for a one day trip with my primary school buddies, water-splashing the birthday student after the bell rang, finishing my first scout camp as a idiot who doesn't know any life surviving skills and the list goes on and on.

And now, I'm just a footstep away from my next milestone - college.

Honestly, that's petrifying. Saying it is a piece of cake; but to act, that's something my mouth would stutter on. Considered that I just went through 5 years of high school which carved me from cave to rock knocked me a huge sense of realisation that I have to begin flourishing my responsibilities & stop arguing over kid shit, but doesn't it seem crazy to us that in a blink of an eye all words are enough said & it's time to face upcoming adulthood? I mean, frankly we're not ready, our age show prove doesn't mean our souls are. Shivering little mouses we are, blimey! Our world is about to get real!

Alright that's enough dramatic mess, let's just toughen up (or at least act like it).

Yup, I'm becoming a freshman soon. 37 days to be exact, as orientation day's on January 20. It's insane because you see, it's a total different level of education system I'm soon dealing with. Immense independence, intraspecific competition, resolute use of creativity, extreme commitment, the hunger to thrive- all these essential qualities in order to achieve success in my next milestone are very easy things to say but difficult things to master. Procrastination won't be our unprofitable drug anymore, but a dream crusher that we must not allow it to linger around. The enemy level between laziness & I would rise sky high. Will I be able to keep my heart beating? I don't even know how to answer that question!

Signed up for ADTP in January intake at Sunway College (majoring in Communication), I would say it's a little nerve-wrecking as I'm not entirely sure of how the journey goes - how do I wisely pick my minors, how do I complete credit hours, how do I act like a normal college student who knows how to get her shit done and so. I really want to ace this college milestone, but I'm not as prepared as the best I can be. Well, I also have to stop fretting about future education while I'm currently being surrounded by a bunch of humans partying on a sleepover night. What on Earth am I doing to enjoy my holidays?!

Better get back to dancing to Troye Sivan's hits & playing board games. Have a super duper exciting holiday aites!


Cheers, Alanis xx.

Why Communications, but not Film?

So here's the other blog post which I promised you guys from my last write, read on!

You might be awfully curious about why I went with a Communications major rather than Film, especially when one of my ambitions is to work in the film industry. Long but important story I'm about to tell you, you might even learn something from this meaningful write!

Me excited for college.

First of all, let's compare the real career choices that can be offered after graduating from both degrees. For film, there are the usual film-related gigs available (camerawork, editing etc), producing & directing are the main ones I love. Other than that, the larger percentage consists of commercial management, sales, business, clerical & much more. You see, the percentage of getting a hollywood-related job is only 12%. But hey, don't get me wrong! By now you should understand that I'm quite a risk-taker who would not pull myself back just because it's a 12%, just let me finish up the next paragraph for me to make a full explanation on this aspect.

For communications, this now popular & widely known field basically covers mostly everything because it's a social thing (duh)! With its degree, there's a huge area of careers available like public relations, event management, advertising, journalism, broadcasting & even social media! This actually includes a few film-related gigs like directing & producing with a little film studies on hand, get the picture?

Now time for the real comparison based on numerous aspects. One of the main reasons I picked ADTP is not just because I want to study in America, but I want to live there. The plan after graduating is to get a stable job so I'll be given a working Visa, years later a Green card. To get a stable job, I have to pick the one that's safe & would work on plan, which is communications as there are more secure jobs available than that of film studies. Besides, if things don't work out the way I want & I end up flying back to Malaysia years later, a communications degree can still provide me a great career here! Imagine having a film degree here, it's difficult to actually get an enjoyable job (for me, at least).

Talk about interest, I definitely have more towards film than communications, but honestly, why pick the favourite so I could enjoy 3 or 4 years of further studies then suffer the worse later? In my position, I'm currently not financial stable, nor could I afford to pay all my college and uni fees without searching for ways to work things out. I don't have a backup plan if I fail, not like my rich friends who have their parents's business to continue if they can't find a job after uni. My wallet's not fat, I can't go for higher studies after graduating from uni to get a secure dream job later on. Dodging all these comparisons, it's not true that I don't own interest for communications. As it happens, I love communications too! Hence, it's not exactly a pain in the heart for me to make a choice like that. I'm totally cool for it, presentations & talks are my thing (although I suck at it).

I hope the stuff above clearly (and long-windedly) explained to you about my choice of a college major. Now the advice part - First, always pick what you have interest in no matter how crazy it sounds to you or other people. If you love music or art so much you want to take its degree, go for it! There's no such thing as 'music is for people who can't get good grades' or some other stupid saying from foolish adults. Next, pick what's best for you. Lay out a draft of your future, analyse it with mature thoughts. Don't just think about how fun your college life can be, but the life you earned after throwing your graduation caps for the last time. Also, don't follow your friends in everything & their study choices (seriously!) People who does this are always fated with regrets after finishing their first semester when they figured out that they are in the wrong field, studying the wrong major. I'm sure you don't want to switch courses after studying crap you hate for months (unless you have a fat wallet, then give it a go).

Yup, that bloody rich.

Hope this post helps you to think twice before making one of your biggest life decisions, definitely more obliging writes regarding college education to come!

Stay smiling, Alanis xx.

After-SPM Plans

Finally there's time for me to spam the keys! (nah I was just lazy)

To most of the 98's in my country, the hurricane seems to have settled down for them. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO SCREAM AROUND THE HALL LIKE YOU WON THE LOTTERY! Oh why you ask? 'CAUSE I STILL HAVE AN EXTRA SUB, PRICKS.

Snape is awesome btw I still can't get over his death x.

Okay my bad, sorry for the rage.

Moving on, since my head couldn't resist the thought that SPM is over (soon), I've already began to plan my after-SPM schedule for the past weeks. And by plan, I mean real plans without the goofing & gaffing. In our imaginative, creative & wild minds, there're just so many things blurred onto our bucket list that sometimes if you storm a little deeper, some dreams aren't even realistic at all. Somehow I've always managed to keep my plans clear & real since I was a kid as I'm an individual who compares the real & unreal way too much. Like I fully disagree with fictitious ambitions without laying out a tough path of grueling obstacles to build experience & achievements. Don't get my words wrong though, I do have pretty far fetched ambitions like becoming a full time YouTuber & working in the film industry, but it IS possible for me to achieve them with the correct road & mindset, which is drafting & executing the plans needed to reach the finish line. Here's an example of people I loathe: People who wants to be a YouTuber but constantly give excuses for not being able to create a channel/upload content regularly. With such behaviorism, trust me but you're getting nowhere in years. It's not about making things perfect, but trying's the first step! I'm not trying to brag or whatsoever, but I at least try to keep my videos uploaded at a weekly basis & do constantly brainstorm for creative ideas. Thus, this also leads to another after-SPM plan you'll read below!

After I'm done with EST next Tuesday, one of the first things I'll do is pick up driving lessons. Does it sound terrifying to you? Because controlling a fast-moving object with only pedals & a driving wheel freaks the hell out of me. In the meantime, I'll get a part-time job for two months before the college life shoots in (excited!). Becoming a barista in Starbucks was always a tiny dream of mine, I had sent in my application, but I'm kinda underage (still below 18) so it's a 50/50 chance I might get the gig. Besides that, I'll still be involved in a few Scout activities during the holidays & might apply for a Scouter position if I can cope my college studies with its commitment, although I doubt I'll be able to apply as the course I'm going for is quite an all-around which tends to need more time & dedication in order to score in all subjects. Not just that, a second YouTube Channel is on its way soon! It's where I'll upload comedy, short films & vlogs weekly so it doesn't mix with the music/animation channel.

The most exhilarating part for me is planning & applying for college! The course I really really really want to go for is the American Degree Transfer Program (Communications Major) in Sunway College. In overall, it is a course that not only tackles the subject I'm about to major, but it contains a lot of minors that are selectable such as psychology, environmental studies, natural science & so much more. Basically, it's similar to high school where I'll have tons of subjects including the one I major to study for, therefore it's a course that needs full concentration & smart studying techniques to notch. If you question me, why major Communications rather than Film if my dream is to work in the film industry? I'll leave that interesting topic to another future blog post as there's quite an amount to explain. This programme is also high in cost which is a huge worry for my parents & I as there are so many subjects & I'll be spending a year or so in the states (2 yrs here, 1 year there). Hence, if I get the chance to pursue this dream course I'll need to secure my future platform, I'll definitely go all in & never loose a muscle.

Yup, that's about it on my REAL after-SPM plans I suppose! There are surely other things I have on the list, but these are the prioritised ones I'm either excited about (college!) or having to do so (driving, for example). What are your after-SPM/holiday plans? Feel free to let me know in the comments below!

#spmday10 #biology

Tiny piece of advice, focus on being productive than being busy!

See you soon, Alanis xx.

Onision Saved My Life

It's midnight, I'm watching Onision's videos regarding self-harm & suicidal thoughts for psychological needs (to balance out my mind) and I felt this strange feeling of not knowing what's my next step to proceed. What can I do to continue fixing myself piece by piece, getting stronger day by day? My current answer's I don't know, not because I fell into my own hole again, but I don't seem to get a glance of chance of me getting help. Not on me this time.

To credit the someone whom really snapped me out of my near-death misery, I would say the person's Onision (aka Gregory Jackson). He's a YouTuber able to be considered as my favourite, makes straight up honest videos without a single fuck given, and speaks by experience. Scrolling back in time, I was severely depressed for numerous reasons - unfitting environment, moronic friendships, parents who find me unacceptable, eating disorders and more. Soon after months of terrible productivity, I took up a habit of blades & blood. Frankly, friends who noticed said words which never helped, instead unintentionally dug me a deeper hole. As I was always hooked up with YouTube during unsleepable nights & free time, the search bar I clicked then typed 'suicidal thoughts'. Onision popped out. And that's when I was given the first ever help.

It may sound crazy or insane to you guys about how obsessed I am to YouTube to even gain therapy from a social website. Well here's the thing, I have nowhere to go. My parents (sorry to say), they really don't give a single fuck about my mental health. I tried to hint them, instead they told me depression's shit & would never kill me & it's bullshit & I'm just trying to make my parents have pity on me and some other crap (including disowning me). Trust me, there's no other way my parents could play aid in my situation, one more step they come & I'd probably pull the trigger. Friends, not exactly a positive outcome for me either (I didn't really approached, I just distant myself). Some adults I know either advice me too much on irrelevant facts which irritates or they don't give a shit at all. Thus, this all leads to myself. I can't afford therapy sessions without my parents knowing, school counselling seems like the worst decision I could had went for, there're basically nothing I can call out for without my parents understanding. Now you see the light of why YouTube means so much to me.

Back to topic, I was watching his videos in autoplay rolling continuously, most are the same ones I used to watch last time when I was in an unstable state. One of the best attainment was that his one video made me stop cutting instantaneously (scars scars scars). The inspiration was always there, but the effect reduced itself. Here's my current situation; I'm swimming after I'd recover from drowning, but in a pool without ladders. I broke the wobbly position I stood, but now I'm stuck without a guiding light. I desperately need someone to talk to, a therapist for example, to get me running again. From replaying videos from YouTubers such as Hannah Hart & Onision, it's wonderful to know how they regain themselves from obtaining therapy help & becoming who they are today. And I don't ask for much, but just a helping hand I could grab on, someone I could express the grey side of me. People who know me would picture me as someone who laughs & smiles all the time even at 'lame' situations, that's the image I desire to portrait to the people around me. However, equilibrium flips itself 180° after only exposing one side of oneself. That's what getting me, watching amazing people go through a similar past as my current time by accepting who they are & getting help, but I don't own the opportunity to feel better. I suppose it's eligible for me to say it's unfair.

That's all I urge to write out from heart as my comments & feelings after rewatching numerous of Onision's life-saving videos. He really is amazing (p.s. we share the same birthday). Greg, if you're reading this, hope you get the thank you message & if you could do so, write or sound back as it would help so much.


Have a great weekend, Alanis xx.

Not Okay

Ignore this post if you're expecting an euphoric chapter of my story. Apologies for killing your assumption.

If you're going to ask me how I'm doing, here's a frank answer - I'm not okay. To shut my mouth is what I really want right now, but this enormous urge of mine to erupt my hiding heartache is overpowering my wanting. I don't want to brag neither complain about my shit that cause joyful humans to lose their smile & tear up, so please leave my blog for a second. Like I said, I created this blog also for my own necessity, it acts as my emotion's major egress, aka I'm spilling crap so I could at least breathe better. So for the sake of everybody's mood, delete this tab & go for a walk. Don't want to spoil the day of yours.

Alright, just me here right? Time to reveal the skeleton in the closet (I swear this is hard). I recently relapsed, and it was pretty much in awful shape. The reasons I chose to not tell, but it tumbled me back to day one. Mia befriended I, and I could sense Ana spending a visit soon. Like, really? Even my conscious mind had a clear vision that I was over them. All the gym commitment being frittered away? Gosh it's drowning me. I'm exceedingly tired of whining my crap to the peeps around me, plus to be honest, the feedback I receive sometimes are not the ones I hope to hear. So here I am, writing to chill myself as I have nowhere to punch a hole. Especially when you meet bummers who say such humans just whine for awareness. If you're one of them, go to hell.

Losing 4.5 pounds in 2 days doesn't seem so bad. Let it continue for a month or so, and I'll hit the point below the line. Half of my sense compellingly disagrees with such occurrence, yet the other half unconsciously clicks. If you understand how this bull works, you could probably relate the helpless state I currently float in. What hurts more to know is the response I got from my parents. I don't even bother to find aid anymore after hearing what they spat at me. It's just, stuff that you could never expect blabbering out from your guardians.

"You better not have it (depression). If you do, just leave the fam." There she said it, words that could never be erased. How does the world assume that I could obtain a real helping hand when my nearest & dearest lives fail miserably to accept who am I, or what I've become? Don't even get started with the source. There you guessed it, a source whom couldn't accept its doings. Out of the random, listening to Kodaline's High Hopes while gently spamming the keyboard annihilates my inner being so bad. Yes, grasp onto them high hopes, hopes with insights blurred. Hopes to stop the beeping monitor.

You're still here? What the heck. Just listen & grant me peace aites. I'm just gonna end it here before I continue to ruin your day with gloom. Nights.

Draggy Week

Hey journal readers! How's the August week sliding on? Here's a diminutive update of my life. :)

Fooling around like the usual.

If you're wondering how's my moving headway, I'm currently snoozing in the central of drugging myself with harsh espresso shots & picking up the massive stash of actuality I long left at the corner of my eye. No worries, things are for sure much better than the motionless past! Halts to the keen silver inflictions & theatrical events (nah just distancing myself from them shit) but it's mission impossible to have emotions stop dragging me transitorily off road. The common anxiety, fretting over tiny matters, card stacking cases and more aren't competent enough to kill but narcotise. Whining's not my thing, guess I'm just gonna work on surpassing them negativism.

As luck would have it, SPM trials just got postponed to next week. Wouldn't say it makes a difference though as studying's barely an action I execute in existence. The enjoyable part is that I get to chill at either Starbucks or Doi Chaang Coffee at least twice a week! Welp don't expect much - my financial status only permits me to get the most inexpensive beverage in both cafes. (Classic Americano or my favourite Mint Blend tea) Starbucks I head when I crave for scrumptious sides such as a salted caramel cheesecake, or Doi Chaang when I demand for a hushed exquisite atmosphere. Nevertheless, both of these upscale eateries are scorching a hole in my wallet. Hmm feel free to treat me an afternoon tea; would love to have some company!

Captain America + Starbucks = Caffeine Blast!

Hope you had an interesting time reading this summary post & I'll see you all soon!

Cheers, Alanis xx.

Desuetude of Friendship

Alright here's the thing, I personally was a kid who believes that without friends by my side, I would go insane being alone (I mean too alone, alone is cool). Well, that thought was one of my first primacies years ago. Guessed it or not, there's always something that snapped, changing my perspective towards the fellow earthlings surrounding me. I would say that the fondness towards my friends changed for good (mostly) as I currently rarely deal with amity dramas that may cause tearful nights & 'I-don't-wanna-go-to-school" days.

If you're wondering what happened, nah I ain't telling you as I have readers who are involved in that awful incident (although I really do own the intention to slap the truth & honest thoughts into their faces so they would bear with guilt forever).

In these few weeks, I'd been experiencing touchy issues regarding friendship which are exhausting to care for. I don't know how to explain, but tiring's the word for it. Imagine if you're already not a friendship kind of person, you're not exactly sensitive to the emotions of your friends, but they kept bugging you, spilling emo thoughts hoping you could dive into their hardship, taking bullets for them. That's what I'm currently experiencing, and trust me, it's not fun being Superman at all. It's like I'm already carrying loads of shit to agonise about, and someone's trying to pull me into their well of darkness. Yes, I'm a caring person (sometimes I care too much), but I'm done with putting myself into people's problems when I already own enough.

To me, not caring much is a piece of cake (sounds evil heh), but drawing myself out of the trouble zone is a pain in the ass. I can't just say "Hey shut it with your problems man, keep them to yourself & rot", eh? Especially when I'm soft-hearted deep inside, it's a tough provocation for me to just leave a friend at the sidewalk, watching him/her wordlessly calling for help while lying lifelessly waiting for the sight of light. Yup what a hysterical rendition, but it's as literally felt as written. Of course, I gave in & fired blind chances to someone who once mattered to me, instead I got tugged multiple times into her dramatic incident, causing myself to revel 'sobful' months. Very not cool experience.

Woooooo.

Humans close to me (except Nedd) may not understand this ineffable harsh side of me, but this's how I truly execute life, how I try to keep the air around me breathable, how I could comfortably accept my doings. A raucous cutback of allies would highly occur, but it's how I roll. 'Cause why throw yourself into other deadfalls when you yourself can't even crawl out of your own trap?


Have a great weekend,

Alanis xx.