Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Don't Get Me Wrong, Friend.

Evening ladies & gents! (and puppies & squirrels & jellyfishies) It's been some time since I hit the not-musical-but-alphabetic keys, today shall be granted the day!
Here's an adorable meow to make your day!
The topic for today's article is leaning towards my unspoken preferences about the earthlings around us. Before I began, this post is provoked by a sudden spark of impression which came streaming into my wires, shot up straight into my wakeful head. Know it or not, a friend I have stuck on me for as long as I could remember has been bothering my scrambled thoughts for long. Could say we were close for reasons we must, well honestly I never felt myself being with her. She knows parts of my secrets, lots of time of mine was spent with her, but like I said, we were close for reasons we must. She might even be reading this right now, the continuing words might smash her bruised heart. This time, no one's going to obstruct me with a halt sign, I finally understand a part of myself, and here's my rarely told fondness towards the friends I make.

I heard things, true things from people I trust. Not just that, but with stabbing eyes, looks do explain a person's traits sometimes. To her, it's in year 2015; To me, it's been five years. Few months ago, I sort of hammered her a partial page of my empty feelings towards our strained friendship. Bluntly I said, "Our bond is not going to last. Probably caused by our ruthless past in hidden cloak." Not explaining much, that's what I briefed & since then, we're strolling on the silent edge of our connection. Here's the blast, what I said was very incorrect. Our bond is not breaking off, it never started. Yes I tried passing her the keys to my gate of buddy association, but she's just not the kind I could bear with. Even worse, I own a fear towards people similar to her. A fear of hurting the already hurt spawned from my inconsiderate honesty. Experiences.

If you're reading this, 'her', sorry in advance for my choice of expressions. Here's what you need to stop trying to pick the heavy duty lock of mine (also to shut you up). Your idea of me breaking the relationship deserves a buzzer from X-Factor, furthermore you triggered my loathe towards misunderstandings. It's not because of our competitive past at all, but the explosion when our traits meet. Don't you get it? You're just not able to be the pal I could lend a shoulder to cry on. You're just not fitting to even be the simple friend I could sit in class with. Our basic characteristics, common or not, don't even stand a chance to click. Telling you my problems made me felt worse & regret, the advice you gave made me anxious instead. And I don't blame you, not everyone can get along, that's how you build up BFF & enemy relationships. So I'm begging you, stop trying.

Do you know how stupid you sound when you told my buddy that once I own a true best friend, I could never let anyone in anymore? Bullshit. Here's something to understand, not like the majority, I prefer a small amount of friends who mean the world to me than a huge number of so-called buddies (aka school popularity). Thus, I have the guts to kick unwanted people out of my life, which is what I'm braving towards you once our 'forced-to-shake-hands-contract' is over. Think again, it's a normal phenomenon that happens to everyone! You meet someone, he/she does something which disobeys your liking, you'll definitely stop having conversations with that person, no? I suppose this clearly explains my fear of hurting the already hurt.
To maybe fill up the hole I just dug in hearts of many, the brief statement I would like to release is, the awfully close friends who I click with are the ones who own honesty at first, loyal, logically-supportive and real. Yup I appreciate it when someone runs up to me & shoots opinions/critism into my face. Most of all, it feels amazing when the friend share the same dreams as I, but instead of fighting over rankings & shit, we are able to lift each other up & feel happy for each other's achievements. That's truly something rare for me to find, especially for someone who's terribly competitive in EVERYTHING. The above explains why the bond between Nedd & I is unbreakable no matter how you try to saw the strings. It was not about the tragic incidents, but the person you stand to be.

Have a great week, Alanis xx.

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Onision Saved My Life

It's midnight, I'm watching Onision's videos regarding self-harm & suicidal thoughts for psychological needs (to balance out my mind) and I felt this strange feeling of not knowing what's my next step to proceed. What can I do to continue fixing myself piece by piece, getting stronger day by day? My current answer's I don't know, not because I fell into my own hole again, but I don't seem to get a glance of chance of me getting help. Not on me this time.

To credit the someone whom really snapped me out of my near-death misery, I would say the person's Onision (aka Gregory Jackson). He's a YouTuber able to be considered as my favourite, makes straight up honest videos without a single fuck given, and speaks by experience. Scrolling back in time, I was severely depressed for numerous reasons - unfitting environment, moronic friendships, parents who find me unacceptable, eating disorders and more. Soon after months of terrible productivity, I took up a habit of blades & blood. Frankly, friends who noticed said words which never helped, instead unintentionally dug me a deeper hole. As I was always hooked up with YouTube during unsleepable nights & free time, the search bar I clicked then typed 'suicidal thoughts'. Onision popped out. And that's when I was given the first ever help.

It may sound crazy or insane to you guys about how obsessed I am to YouTube to even gain therapy from a social website. Well here's the thing, I have nowhere to go. My parents (sorry to say), they really don't give a single fuck about my mental health. I tried to hint them, instead they told me depression's shit & would never kill me & it's bullshit & I'm just trying to make my parents have pity on me and some other crap (including disowning me). Trust me, there's no other way my parents could play aid in my situation, one more step they come & I'd probably pull the trigger. Friends, not exactly a positive outcome for me either (I didn't really approached, I just distant myself). Some adults I know either advice me too much on irrelevant facts which irritates or they don't give a shit at all. Thus, this all leads to myself. I can't afford therapy sessions without my parents knowing, school counselling seems like the worst decision I could had went for, there're basically nothing I can call out for without my parents understanding. Now you see the light of why YouTube means so much to me.

Back to topic, I was watching his videos in autoplay rolling continuously, most are the same ones I used to watch last time when I was in an unstable state. One of the best attainment was that his one video made me stop cutting instantaneously (scars scars scars). The inspiration was always there, but the effect reduced itself. Here's my current situation; I'm swimming after I'd recover from drowning, but in a pool without ladders. I broke the wobbly position I stood, but now I'm stuck without a guiding light. I desperately need someone to talk to, a therapist for example, to get me running again. From replaying videos from YouTubers such as Hannah Hart & Onision, it's wonderful to know how they regain themselves from obtaining therapy help & becoming who they are today. And I don't ask for much, but just a helping hand I could grab on, someone I could express the grey side of me. People who know me would picture me as someone who laughs & smiles all the time even at 'lame' situations, that's the image I desire to portrait to the people around me. However, equilibrium flips itself 180° after only exposing one side of oneself. That's what getting me, watching amazing people go through a similar past as my current time by accepting who they are & getting help, but I don't own the opportunity to feel better. I suppose it's eligible for me to say it's unfair.

That's all I urge to write out from heart as my comments & feelings after rewatching numerous of Onision's life-saving videos. He really is amazing (p.s. we share the same birthday). Greg, if you're reading this, hope you get the thank you message & if you could do so, write or sound back as it would help so much.

Have a great weekend, Alanis xx.