Permanently Tucked In Jeans

You know the everyday thoughts you receive throughout the day, most of them being random & all, maybe even related to unicorns & penguins. I have mine too, and some of them meet the qualification to end up on this simple little blog.

Today while my butt warmed up the passenger seat of my dad's car, getting a second ride to my future college's Open Day, I looked in the mirror wondering about how I look & did I wear proper enough to not let myself down in front of lecturers & administrators. It was nothing fancy to start with, just a blue jersey-material tee with sweat pants, toed with a pair of muddy trainers. Basically, I look like shit & could look better with effort, but somehow I didn't care. Then the thoughts came in about what would people think of my thoughts regarding this topic. And it went deeper, more irrelevant & so. I'm a deep thinker in weird stupid thoughts, you see. But these are the things my creativity generator fueled on in order to keep my interests running. My blog, for example.

Sums my life up.

Anyways, back to topic before I float away again. My thoughts found me the urge to write a post about my thoughts on getting dressed every single day. In a way people could understand relatably, so here's it. First, I'd like to express that getting dressed irritates the heck out of me sometimes, in a way similar to how girls stare at their wardrobe complaining they have no clothes to put on, but with a mini twist. I have so many aspects swirling around in my head when it comes to dressing myself. Not to look like a guy but my clothes make me look like one, not wearing the same clothes over & over again, trying to look feminine but at the same time look cool, all these inessential judgements kills me. What's worse is after tucking on & flipping out clothes for half an hour, I often end up losing the motive to dress to impress & would just put on pyjamas and leave the house. The girl who gives zero fucks.

I struggle more on not wearing the same stuff over & over again than not looking like a guy (nah it's the same). My favourites you could possibly see me wear 4 times a week are my black skinnies, the only pair of converse I have & printed jerseys. These items are always on me 24/7 because their simplicity expresses my style. Yes I do wash them, so don't keep asking me why I'm so boring. Might be surprising to you, I do love crop tops, muscle tanks and more feminine clothing but they always get changed out before I leave my room. I just can't accept them tucked on me for a reason I myself don't understand, but I'd love to wear them out! Skirts are a no no, doesn't mean dresses stick in the same category as them. Although I only own two summer dresses, I'm dying to get more but at the same time I suck at getting them on me before leaving my bedroom. How's that a struggle for you guys?

As a tumblr-ish 17 year old who definitely has a feminine touch in her that people often unintentionally smack that off by hurting insults, fashion does play a huge part in my life although I don't prove much of it everyday. I'd love to make fashion hauls & Ootd vlogs based on my style on YouTube but I constantly have a feeling that people won't accept that coming out from me. Probably because I'm a straight tomboy who has spilled my wrong first impression to people, now having to live up to it. I'm not what I seem to appear most of the time, so you should learn how to stop locking a personal judgement of someone's look once you knew (or thought you knew) them. And hey, I'm not exactly a boring human being who can survive with wearing cargo shorts & a dusty tee all the time, didn't get my dad's genes for this one! (Sorry dad)

Staph.

Nonetheless, just dress to be you, the real you I mean. Sometimes people just don't care.

Stay crazy, Alanis xx.

Flawed Jaws

Everyone has their flaws, and today I chose to talk about the physical ones that can be identified on one's look in a blink of an eye. Mine is something rare that happens in the circle of friends I live in, something that must be explained when one questions. You'd probably noticed as it's pretty obvious, my underbite has been causing many misunderstandings for a while now.

Yup.

Got it from my dad's genes, I was born with an underbite that grew much more obvious throughout my childhood years. Surprisingly, I didn't knew I had it until I was called 'monkey' during my 3rd year in primary school. Staring at the mirror for hours like an insecure teenager, I was wondering - "What's wrong with me? Why do I look different from my friends? Am I really a monkey?" Luckily I wasn't a kid who care much about other people's judgements (or at least during then) thus I happily brushed it off & continue living life. Slowly, I realised it's getting obvious & obvious year by year, and I began to feel my unconfident shivers popping out of my chest. I didn't like it, the look & the nicknames, especially when they are reflected on one's face which is unavoidable to take a glance at everyday.

In high school, noticeable changes are my abnormal smiles, trying to hide the lower lip in but it only show the jaws more. As my teeth are also very untidy with chunks of it growing with different angles, I had one of the worse teeth you can ever have. An often asked question by my school mates was "why don't you go get braces?",  even I thought so too. Until I pulled my parents along to the dentist far away from home to get it checked & inquired more about it, I became aware that my case isn't the usual 'crooked teeth' kind of situation where you just pull out a few teeth & have braces on for years to have it solved. It's an underbite, the only way to fix it is surgery. Freezing that moment, I was terrified of the pain & the huge amount of uncomfortable time I had to go through, but I was so willing to fix it I could agree with whatever treatment as long as the nicknames stopped shooting towards my head.

But the problem is not about the pain, neither the hurting clock ticks, but the cost.

The surgery costed 30 thousand bucks, you see. Adding on the 2-years-braces & getting a few teeth out, the total's around 40k. Insurance couldn't cover a single cent as it's considered as a type of cosmetic surgery, something to improve one's appearance instead of health (but lets talk facts, fixing an underbite does improve teeth health). Staring at my parents' astonishing faces, I knew the answer's no. Went home sobbing in the car, my head was filled with negativity of continuous mocking I had to face all my life. People didn't knew the stuff they say about it actually hurts the hell out of me. Try being called an ape everyday in class, it's not something laughable at all. Friends often misunderstand my mood when they stare at me while I try to pay attention in class, most would think I'm mad as I do look mad, but I was not. Having a resting bitchface all the time is already not helping my life, imagine having an underbite stacked on. Plus it's not something I could possibly hide in any way, something I have to deal with 24/7 in the social space we live in.

The point is, think twice before you start to judge on one's personality or anything. Or don't judge at all & just go home already. I used to be very unconfident about my underbite, but now I'd accepted it as a part of me & I feel okay letting it show its flaws to the world I see. Yes it definitely annoys the hell out of me when people don't get me, but what can you say? A little explanation wouldn't hurt a soul I guess. Would I still have the surgery done in the future when I could afford it? The answer's yes. Hey, it's not because I'm denying my father's genes, but I'd love to see how I look with such a flaw taken away from me, it would be fun shocking the friends who once teased me too (you'll see what you missed hohoho). Anyways, don't look down on the physical flaws you own aites! Embrace it to the fullest, it's a part of you so you gotta be proud of it! Extraordinary always beats the ordinary, don't let it incinerate your social life in any way!

That awkward smile?

I feel you, you feel me, we all are in this journey together. Just be yourself yup!

Wishing you a fun December, Alanis xx.