Unknot My Head

You know what's tremendously hard for me? I'm talking about something that constantly bothers me in a way that steals the healing pill away. Not asking for it, but people barely understand.

It's what you're looking at right now. This blog, its content, these words.

I'm not sure about how much people around me know, but I don't want them to. Yet I write pessimistic shit on a public site expecting people not to discover. At the same time, I need alive ones to look at it, balancing the equation of expressing & listening. It's confusingly complicated, I know. Now the intention of this read is to explain to you what's so frustratingly tough, something I can never overcome. I regret creating a two-sided reflection of myself. Chose to hide my horrible imperfections & tried so hard to impress for a life. After all these years, I could say, I succeeded? People would refer me as the tough little daredevil who does crap she like. Yet inside, I contain so many untold secrets that once I expose, people won't believe me, because of what I reflected in the past years. And that's what scares me, when I now found realisation & want to save myself. Wanting to express myself through words & all, but can't seem to do it with an unknotted heart. For so many reasons, two being destroying all the long-built impression & letting down humans who somehow look up to me.

I just can't do it without shutting both eyes.

How could I feel comfortable publicly writing on my blog that I'm struggling with disorders, knowing my juniors could see them yet I need an understanding audience outside my world? How could I possibly express my terribly low-leveled self-love without people lowering their expectations from me? I'm that senior who sits down & listens to another person's problems, later helping them overcome their issues & giving them warmth; because I'm good at helping from experience. I know there are millions of souls out there like me, struggling to grab a lifebuoy in the middle of darkness without turning the lights on. But it's just so difficult as I already projected a crumpled image of myself. I'm not as strong as I look, instead I suffer from crap only very insecure humans cry from. I care so much about judgements I shouldn't care about, causing me to overthink anything and everything. I'm that sensitive, and it's just worse when people don't know.

People ask me whether I'm gay or bi although I'm just a straight tomboy. And it deeply scratches the sensitivity in me. Speaking about being a tomboy, people rarely lend us the warmth, because we look like we don't need as much love as girly girls do. Can you imagine a tomboy wrestling with anorexia & bulimia? A tomboy who has depression & harms herself? Probably nope, as we look like we don't give a fuck about insecurities, don't we. Adds up on how it's harder for me to open up compared to girly girls, how hard it is to be accepted into society. I remember the first time I told a friend I trust about my condition, she just couldn't believe it & thinks I'm kidding. Another thinks I'm searching for attention. All because I don't look like a weakling who would force herself to throw up dinner every night, cry herself to sleep & tattoo her arm with a blade.


I'm only a tomboy with a scar & so much you don't know.

Flawed Jaws

Everyone has their flaws, and today I chose to talk about the physical ones that can be identified on one's look in a blink of an eye. Mine is something rare that happens in the circle of friends I live in, something that must be explained when one questions. You'd probably noticed as it's pretty obvious, my underbite has been causing many misunderstandings for a while now.

Yup.

Got it from my dad's genes, I was born with an underbite that grew much more obvious throughout my childhood years. Surprisingly, I didn't knew I had it until I was called 'monkey' during my 3rd year in primary school. Staring at the mirror for hours like an insecure teenager, I was wondering - "What's wrong with me? Why do I look different from my friends? Am I really a monkey?" Luckily I wasn't a kid who care much about other people's judgements (or at least during then) thus I happily brushed it off & continue living life. Slowly, I realised it's getting obvious & obvious year by year, and I began to feel my unconfident shivers popping out of my chest. I didn't like it, the look & the nicknames, especially when they are reflected on one's face which is unavoidable to take a glance at everyday.

In high school, noticeable changes are my abnormal smiles, trying to hide the lower lip in but it only show the jaws more. As my teeth are also very untidy with chunks of it growing with different angles, I had one of the worse teeth you can ever have. An often asked question by my school mates was "why don't you go get braces?",  even I thought so too. Until I pulled my parents along to the dentist far away from home to get it checked & inquired more about it, I became aware that my case isn't the usual 'crooked teeth' kind of situation where you just pull out a few teeth & have braces on for years to have it solved. It's an underbite, the only way to fix it is surgery. Freezing that moment, I was terrified of the pain & the huge amount of uncomfortable time I had to go through, but I was so willing to fix it I could agree with whatever treatment as long as the nicknames stopped shooting towards my head.

But the problem is not about the pain, neither the hurting clock ticks, but the cost.

The surgery costed 30 thousand bucks, you see. Adding on the 2-years-braces & getting a few teeth out, the total's around 40k. Insurance couldn't cover a single cent as it's considered as a type of cosmetic surgery, something to improve one's appearance instead of health (but lets talk facts, fixing an underbite does improve teeth health). Staring at my parents' astonishing faces, I knew the answer's no. Went home sobbing in the car, my head was filled with negativity of continuous mocking I had to face all my life. People didn't knew the stuff they say about it actually hurts the hell out of me. Try being called an ape everyday in class, it's not something laughable at all. Friends often misunderstand my mood when they stare at me while I try to pay attention in class, most would think I'm mad as I do look mad, but I was not. Having a resting bitchface all the time is already not helping my life, imagine having an underbite stacked on. Plus it's not something I could possibly hide in any way, something I have to deal with 24/7 in the social space we live in.

The point is, think twice before you start to judge on one's personality or anything. Or don't judge at all & just go home already. I used to be very unconfident about my underbite, but now I'd accepted it as a part of me & I feel okay letting it show its flaws to the world I see. Yes it definitely annoys the hell out of me when people don't get me, but what can you say? A little explanation wouldn't hurt a soul I guess. Would I still have the surgery done in the future when I could afford it? The answer's yes. Hey, it's not because I'm denying my father's genes, but I'd love to see how I look with such a flaw taken away from me, it would be fun shocking the friends who once teased me too (you'll see what you missed hohoho). Anyways, don't look down on the physical flaws you own aites! Embrace it to the fullest, it's a part of you so you gotta be proud of it! Extraordinary always beats the ordinary, don't let it incinerate your social life in any way!

That awkward smile?

I feel you, you feel me, we all are in this journey together. Just be yourself yup!

Wishing you a fun December, Alanis xx.

Don't Get Me Wrong, Friend.

Evening ladies & gents! (and puppies & squirrels & jellyfishies) It's been some time since I hit the not-musical-but-alphabetic keys, today shall be granted the day!

Here's an adorable meow to make your day!

The topic for today's article is leaning towards my unspoken preferences about the earthlings around us. Before I began, this post is provoked by a sudden spark of impression which came streaming into my wires, shot up straight into my wakeful head. Know it or not, a friend I have stuck on me for as long as I could remember has been bothering my scrambled thoughts for long. Could say we were close for reasons we must, well honestly I never felt myself being with her. She knows parts of my secrets, lots of time of mine was spent with her, but like I said, we were close for reasons we must. She might even be reading this right now, the continuing words might smash her bruised heart. This time, no one's going to obstruct me with a halt sign, I finally understand a part of myself, and here's my rarely told fondness towards the friends I make.

I heard things, true things from people I trust. Not just that, but with stabbing eyes, looks do explain a person's traits sometimes. To her, it's in year 2015; To me, it's been five years. Few months ago, I sort of hammered her a partial page of my empty feelings towards our strained friendship. Bluntly I said, "Our bond is not going to last. Probably caused by our ruthless past in hidden cloak." Not explaining much, that's what I briefed & since then, we're strolling on the silent edge of our connection. Here's the blast, what I said was very incorrect. Our bond is not breaking off, it never started. Yes I tried passing her the keys to my gate of buddy association, but she's just not the kind I could bear with. Even worse, I own a fear towards people similar to her. A fear of hurting the already hurt spawned from my inconsiderate honesty. Experiences.

If you're reading this, 'her', sorry in advance for my choice of expressions. Here's what you need to stop trying to pick the heavy duty lock of mine (also to shut you up). Your idea of me breaking the relationship deserves a buzzer from X-Factor, furthermore you triggered my loathe towards misunderstandings. It's not because of our competitive past at all, but the explosion when our traits meet. Don't you get it? You're just not able to be the pal I could lend a shoulder to cry on. You're just not fitting to even be the simple friend I could sit in class with. Our basic characteristics, common or not, don't even stand a chance to click. Telling you my problems made me felt worse & regret, the advice you gave made me anxious instead. And I don't blame you, not everyone can get along, that's how you build up BFF & enemy relationships. So I'm begging you, stop trying.

Do you know how stupid you sound when you told my buddy that once I own a true best friend, I could never let anyone in anymore? Bullshit. Here's something to understand, not like the majority, I prefer a small amount of friends who mean the world to me than a huge number of so-called buddies (aka school popularity). Thus, I have the guts to kick unwanted people out of my life, which is what I'm braving towards you once our 'forced-to-shake-hands-contract' is over. Think again, it's a normal phenomenon that happens to everyone! You meet someone, he/she does something which disobeys your liking, you'll definitely stop having conversations with that person, no? I suppose this clearly explains my fear of hurting the already hurt.

<3

To maybe fill up the hole I just dug in hearts of many, the brief statement I would like to release is, the awfully close friends who I click with are the ones who own honesty at first, loyal, logically-supportive and real. Yup I appreciate it when someone runs up to me & shoots opinions/critism into my face. Most of all, it feels amazing when the friend share the same dreams as I, but instead of fighting over rankings & shit, we are able to lift each other up & feel happy for each other's achievements. That's truly something rare for me to find, especially for someone who's terribly competitive in EVERYTHING. The above explains why the bond between Nedd & I is unbreakable no matter how you try to saw the strings. It was not about the tragic incidents, but the person you stand to be.

Have a great week, Alanis xx.

Onision Saved My Life

It's midnight, I'm watching Onision's videos regarding self-harm & suicidal thoughts for psychological needs (to balance out my mind) and I felt this strange feeling of not knowing what's my next step to proceed. What can I do to continue fixing myself piece by piece, getting stronger day by day? My current answer's I don't know, not because I fell into my own hole again, but I don't seem to get a glance of chance of me getting help. Not on me this time.

To credit the someone whom really snapped me out of my near-death misery, I would say the person's Onision (aka Gregory Jackson). He's a YouTuber able to be considered as my favourite, makes straight up honest videos without a single fuck given, and speaks by experience. Scrolling back in time, I was severely depressed for numerous reasons - unfitting environment, moronic friendships, parents who find me unacceptable, eating disorders and more. Soon after months of terrible productivity, I took up a habit of blades & blood. Frankly, friends who noticed said words which never helped, instead unintentionally dug me a deeper hole. As I was always hooked up with YouTube during unsleepable nights & free time, the search bar I clicked then typed 'suicidal thoughts'. Onision popped out. And that's when I was given the first ever help.

It may sound crazy or insane to you guys about how obsessed I am to YouTube to even gain therapy from a social website. Well here's the thing, I have nowhere to go. My parents (sorry to say), they really don't give a single fuck about my mental health. I tried to hint them, instead they told me depression's shit & would never kill me & it's bullshit & I'm just trying to make my parents have pity on me and some other crap (including disowning me). Trust me, there's no other way my parents could play aid in my situation, one more step they come & I'd probably pull the trigger. Friends, not exactly a positive outcome for me either (I didn't really approached, I just distant myself). Some adults I know either advice me too much on irrelevant facts which irritates or they don't give a shit at all. Thus, this all leads to myself. I can't afford therapy sessions without my parents knowing, school counselling seems like the worst decision I could had went for, there're basically nothing I can call out for without my parents understanding. Now you see the light of why YouTube means so much to me.

Back to topic, I was watching his videos in autoplay rolling continuously, most are the same ones I used to watch last time when I was in an unstable state. One of the best attainment was that his one video made me stop cutting instantaneously (scars scars scars). The inspiration was always there, but the effect reduced itself. Here's my current situation; I'm swimming after I'd recover from drowning, but in a pool without ladders. I broke the wobbly position I stood, but now I'm stuck without a guiding light. I desperately need someone to talk to, a therapist for example, to get me running again. From replaying videos from YouTubers such as Hannah Hart & Onision, it's wonderful to know how they regain themselves from obtaining therapy help & becoming who they are today. And I don't ask for much, but just a helping hand I could grab on, someone I could express the grey side of me. People who know me would picture me as someone who laughs & smiles all the time even at 'lame' situations, that's the image I desire to portrait to the people around me. However, equilibrium flips itself 180° after only exposing one side of oneself. That's what getting me, watching amazing people go through a similar past as my current time by accepting who they are & getting help, but I don't own the opportunity to feel better. I suppose it's eligible for me to say it's unfair.

That's all I urge to write out from heart as my comments & feelings after rewatching numerous of Onision's life-saving videos. He really is amazing (p.s. we share the same birthday). Greg, if you're reading this, hope you get the thank you message & if you could do so, write or sound back as it would help so much.


Have a great weekend, Alanis xx.

Not Okay

Ignore this post if you're expecting an euphoric chapter of my story. Apologies for killing your assumption.

If you're going to ask me how I'm doing, here's a frank answer - I'm not okay. To shut my mouth is what I really want right now, but this enormous urge of mine to erupt my hiding heartache is overpowering my wanting. I don't want to brag neither complain about my shit that cause joyful humans to lose their smile & tear up, so please leave my blog for a second. Like I said, I created this blog also for my own necessity, it acts as my emotion's major egress, aka I'm spilling crap so I could at least breathe better. So for the sake of everybody's mood, delete this tab & go for a walk. Don't want to spoil the day of yours.

Alright, just me here right? Time to reveal the skeleton in the closet (I swear this is hard). I recently relapsed, and it was pretty much in awful shape. The reasons I chose to not tell, but it tumbled me back to day one. Mia befriended I, and I could sense Ana spending a visit soon. Like, really? Even my conscious mind had a clear vision that I was over them. All the gym commitment being frittered away? Gosh it's drowning me. I'm exceedingly tired of whining my crap to the peeps around me, plus to be honest, the feedback I receive sometimes are not the ones I hope to hear. So here I am, writing to chill myself as I have nowhere to punch a hole. Especially when you meet bummers who say such humans just whine for awareness. If you're one of them, go to hell.

Losing 4.5 pounds in 2 days doesn't seem so bad. Let it continue for a month or so, and I'll hit the point below the line. Half of my sense compellingly disagrees with such occurrence, yet the other half unconsciously clicks. If you understand how this bull works, you could probably relate the helpless state I currently float in. What hurts more to know is the response I got from my parents. I don't even bother to find aid anymore after hearing what they spat at me. It's just, stuff that you could never expect blabbering out from your guardians.

"You better not have it (depression). If you do, just leave the fam." There she said it, words that could never be erased. How does the world assume that I could obtain a real helping hand when my nearest & dearest lives fail miserably to accept who am I, or what I've become? Don't even get started with the source. There you guessed it, a source whom couldn't accept its doings. Out of the random, listening to Kodaline's High Hopes while gently spamming the keyboard annihilates my inner being so bad. Yes, grasp onto them high hopes, hopes with insights blurred. Hopes to stop the beeping monitor.

You're still here? What the heck. Just listen & grant me peace aites. I'm just gonna end it here before I continue to ruin your day with gloom. Nights.

Questioning My Sexuality

Hmmm. This is going to be a back-breaking one. Just let me breathe for a second, alright.

Yesterday around 6.30pm, I stormed around the house looking for plans to entertain myself instead of hitting the books. A hair clip sitting on the cupboard caught my sight, therefore I grabbed it & went for the mirror in the office. Finally a solution to fix my grass-like bangs, I thought. With a little swish swash, the hairdo's done, I stared at myself, unknowingly feeling a slight dissatisfaction towards the image reflected on the glass.

I realised that I did not like the way I was presented to society.

Modelled like some A class student with geeky hair just missing her thick glasses, I pulled off the hair clip causing an unintentional pompadour standing above my forehead. Fingers began to violently play with my side locks while my facial senses gave a confused & dejected look. The turf-like hair was a result of an untrimmed pixie cut looking forward to become dashing long hair. This clear idea slapped me awake, questioning me the same question that never left since I was 5. Who am I trying to become?

If you're once or currently a close ally of mine, you should had noticed the constant irritating changes of my hair length since late primary school. When it was long, I would want it short; When it's short for some time, I would want it to be long again. And the cycle flows on till this day. My gray matter fought the war & lit up the lightbulb, forcing the evoke of the reasons why I do such repeating actions. In a sudden I realised, short boycuts are my ever identity, but I keep them long to match the cast I was fixed to be, not the one I am.

Recalling my childhood afflictions opens up the wound. Shopping the boy's department, invading the Hotwheels section in Toys R' Us, picking on drums instead of ballet. All these divergence that are now no longer uncommon meant something. Even my macho personality kills it. Guessed it or not, this once lead me to think I was gay, but it felt so wrong; I never once had feelings for a person whom I share the same gender with, and my crushes are laid on men. So it was concluded that me being gay was impossible. Thus I'm bisexual neither (this probably needs time to tell me so), leading me to the familiar one of a kind.

Well it's not exactly surprising, but I'm a tomboy for sure. For those who aren't sure about the term, here's wikipedia for you. Being one doesn't actually terrifies me as I find it a cool fitting in society, but what I'm scared of is the probability of me being bigender. Contrary to bisexual, bigenders still fall in love with the person they share the opposite sex with. But what's heavy that this word's carrying is that it refers to the constant switching of genders varying to situations & dysphoria is present. Now, what's on me is I don't own the constant gender swapping part, I can only imagine myself falling in love with men, but I'm positive that my hair switches play a sign as gender dysphoria. So if you question me, am I bigender? The answer's I don't know. It all lands on time to execute its thing.

Ellen Page's my tomboy bae. <3

To be honest, writing this post's so hard. Revealing my true identity feels amazing, but the surroundings that matter owns a mild chance of grabbing acceptance. For instance, my parents. They would flip if they find out, and it's only the matter of time for it to occur. Plus they wouldn't allow me another boycut. It sucks being locked as someone you're not for the pride of others. I swear Asian parents are not as nonjudgmental as the Americans.

To wrap the ribbon around the edge, I'm just going to continue being me because hey, I don't live for others but for myself. It doesn't matter if you refuse to accept the logic, only my opinions weight. Could use the support. And check out this short film 'Boy', love it so much as it somehow relates. Would also love to express my respect for the people who came out to their true individuality, may the force always be with you!


Have a wonderful week & I'll see you soon. :)

Alanis xx.

Desuetude of Friendship

Alright here's the thing, I personally was a kid who believes that without friends by my side, I would go insane being alone (I mean too alone, alone is cool). Well, that thought was one of my first primacies years ago. Guessed it or not, there's always something that snapped, changing my perspective towards the fellow earthlings surrounding me. I would say that the fondness towards my friends changed for good (mostly) as I currently rarely deal with amity dramas that may cause tearful nights & 'I-don't-wanna-go-to-school" days.

If you're wondering what happened, nah I ain't telling you as I have readers who are involved in that awful incident (although I really do own the intention to slap the truth & honest thoughts into their faces so they would bear with guilt forever).

In these few weeks, I'd been experiencing touchy issues regarding friendship which are exhausting to care for. I don't know how to explain, but tiring's the word for it. Imagine if you're already not a friendship kind of person, you're not exactly sensitive to the emotions of your friends, but they kept bugging you, spilling emo thoughts hoping you could dive into their hardship, taking bullets for them. That's what I'm currently experiencing, and trust me, it's not fun being Superman at all. It's like I'm already carrying loads of shit to agonise about, and someone's trying to pull me into their well of darkness. Yes, I'm a caring person (sometimes I care too much), but I'm done with putting myself into people's problems when I already own enough.

To me, not caring much is a piece of cake (sounds evil heh), but drawing myself out of the trouble zone is a pain in the ass. I can't just say "Hey shut it with your problems man, keep them to yourself & rot", eh? Especially when I'm soft-hearted deep inside, it's a tough provocation for me to just leave a friend at the sidewalk, watching him/her wordlessly calling for help while lying lifelessly waiting for the sight of light. Yup what a hysterical rendition, but it's as literally felt as written. Of course, I gave in & fired blind chances to someone who once mattered to me, instead I got tugged multiple times into her dramatic incident, causing myself to revel 'sobful' months. Very not cool experience.

Woooooo.

Humans close to me (except Nedd) may not understand this ineffable harsh side of me, but this's how I truly execute life, how I try to keep the air around me breathable, how I could comfortably accept my doings. A raucous cutback of allies would highly occur, but it's how I roll. 'Cause why throw yourself into other deadfalls when you yourself can't even crawl out of your own trap?


Have a great weekend,

Alanis xx.

Beats Before Talent

Memories pulled me back to when I was five, I remember randomly hitting objects with stationaries such as pencils and crayons because I feel like to. Annoyance was the term teachers and adults pinned on me besides weird and noisy. But the truth is, I don't know why. Why are my knuckles always hungry to knock, why are my fingers so playful to play the piano even when the keys aren't present. Mom & dad used to say it's a bad habit of mine that I need to get rid of, which I found hard to understand back then. How is knocking objects a negative addiction?

Question marks continue to hunt my immature mind when I hopped onto elementary school. As usual, I drum my desk with out-of-ink pens or sometimes fingers when I wasn't aware of my physical side. Students dislike my company in class because of the distractions I create. Of course I felt down for some time, but I was pretty fine with such an unexplainable habit of mine. At least it's better than grinding my teeth that produces a sandy resonance, which I told no one before.

Things began to clear its rainy clouds above my head when I got enrolled into high school. My addiction sort of 'improved' through years of heedless practice I perform everywhere I went. Soon, my beats got noticed by a true friend of mine. She referred my convention as a talent which gently blown my mind away. During the time, I discovered an amazing musical expertise from my classmate. As you guessed (or not), it's a thing named "Pen Tapping", which is creating fruitful beats by only one or two pens on a desk. I was staggered by such a rare informal performance my friend played in class and decided to get my itchy hands on it. With a month, Pen Tapping was a flair I could include in my casual application.

Yup, just two pens & a desk.

Very unexpectedly, this stage of mine became my main spotlight of my YouTube channel. My first cover went viral within the humans I know in days. Subscribers click the button more for pens than piano, proving that something I learnt in a month was attractive than a skill I took years to master. I admit I feel down sometimes watching my piano covers lose gas while on their way shooting to the stars, but a long lost invincible spark managed to drag me back on stage. 

I never knew my randomness in knocking solid objects could turn into my spotlight till now.

The focal message I want to send to you all amazing humans is real simple: Everyone owns a talent that allows each of us to shine in our own unique ways. Hidden or not, never give up on cultivating it even if you may meet harsh barriers on your hilly journey. 'Cause trust me, you're going to need that talent with you one day in order to permanently frame that cheeky smile on your face.

Meow. (Yup this cheeky smile)

Subscriber or not, thank you for the support on YouTube from the bottom of my heart. ;) 

Upshot of a Pampered Kid

I was having dinner with my dad & my brother just an hour ago. We had our usual chats while omnom-ing, it was all cool until dad left the table.

I was whining about the bad haircut I just had this afternoon as it's way too short, Tim (my brother) just shot in saying that it suits me since I'm such a tomboy. The word "tomboy" fired me up because only people who fail to know me well enough would say that. I slapped in saying "well, at least I, your sister's manlier than you." He responded with an unexpected reply, saying he's cool being effeminate. Shocked, I told him evilly that his surprising reply is going to reach his crush's ear. Of course, he freaked out and tried to threaten me so his nightmare wouldn't happen.

My brother, threatening me? A joke I suppose! I told him that I could even posted it on social media so the world would know (which is what I'm doing right now, woops) and he suddenly jumped into serious mode. He slammed the dining table and walked away, assuming that he ended the talk. I, on the other hand wants to keep this cruel conversation going for a good reason (read on & you'll know) so I proceed to follow him, throwing taunts at him for a strong reply. 

"Oh, so this is how you solve your problems eh? Running away? Excuse me sir, but it's still laying right here & it's not going to shrink by it's own. What you're showing me is that you lose, and I get to spread your confession onto social media. Cool with that?" I said to his back. Instead of saving his own arse, he shouted "I don't know how to fix it alright! If I knew how, I wouldn't be what I am today!"

Me: "What do you mean by not knowing how to fix it? It's a freaking natural act that first requires guts so you don't run away from it before even ruminating. Hey, I was brutally bullied when I was a kid too aites, probably worse than yours. I managed to solve craps by myself so I don't stay afraid of school everyday. I don't have anyone to look up to, just myself. You still have a big sister to learn from sometimes. So telling me you don't know? Just another excuse you use to end chats."

Tim: "I don't know! I just don't know how to, alright?"

Me: "Don't you see what's the huge cause for things like that to happen? It's because you're extremely pampered by mom! See what happens when she's out of the country? No one's here to solve your problems, kid! Usually mom would throw me a timeout if I say things to you, giving you the thought that you win the game. Well face it brat, what can you do without her presence? Not even saving your own arse! You need to learn how to unravel your knots by yourself, Tim. You're not 8 anymore. This is why I don't argue with her anymore when she pampers you. The side effects are too much for my handling. Rather be on my own."

Tim: "Shut up! I just don't know how to! Yes, I'm running away from problems, because I don't know how to fix them!"

Eventually I left this never-ending conversation because my brother just keep shovelling the phrase "I don't know" into my face after everything I said. Hmm couldn't blame him for that though, to be frank he's pampered too much. I saw this coming since mom flew off to America, it's going to be different for him after losing his back up. The reason why I argued with my brother is because I want him to have a clear realisation of how bad mom's pampering made him what he is today. He always thought that it's great to have a one-sided warrior with him all the time, but what happens when mom's not around? Doomsday has arrived, bro. 

Hope he takes it in even it's hard for him to do so. Stop running away from your problems, Tim. Just face it like a man. One day, mom's not going to be there for you anymore. I'm just trying to help you here, like what a sister does. 

This pampered Bulldog is adorable though :3

To My 12 Year Old Self

To my 12 year old self,

Why did you care about how others view you so much? Are you really boastful, arrogant, selfish? You were always special in your way, your extraordinary thoughts, those were amazing, you know. If you actually executed things like how you want them to be, there wouldn't be so many regrets tailing you like kites right now.

Must you really perform the mistakes others did on you just to neutralise the pain? Yes you were harshly bullied every single day in school, but does bullying other weaker kids makes you stronger? I don't think so. It's erroneous to express your silent agony in such an awful way. Watching other kids cry only exhort you to cry with them as you feel their torment, despair. What you should do is pick up your recorder from the trash can & use it to whack your bullies in the face. Blood may be present, but it's still better than sobbing at the corner of the class, trust me.

Oh and don't be such a rebel! I understand you hate to tie your hair every day before school & do assignments from teachers you detest, but you are a student in a good school, Alanis. Follow the freaking school rules, it's not that hard! Plus you won't believe this, but that rebellious trait of you didn't do any good in high school either. I guess I shouldn't be the one obeying rules, but creating them. (Still not an excuse alright.)

Was it too tough to volunteer for speeches & competitions? Don't be sheepish! You know you're born with an extrovert personality, so make good use of it! You dreamt so long for that story-telling competition, but in the end you just threw it to a friend because you were afraid? Come on, don't lack that self-confidence you're gifted with! Just because a horrible incident occurred that crushed your courage when you were younger, doesn't mean you'll always stuck being that way, right? If you didn't own such poor self-reliance, I bet you would had started your YouTube career when you were 10. See all the remorse?

Well, at least you tried your best being you, 12 year old self. I'm truly proud of you, and I appreciate what you'd done for your own future. Merci beaucoup ;)

HA. HA. HA.

The Boy Who Changed

It all began two years ago. Nothing much, our first glance of each other in school. It's astounding that we only met after three years being in the same environment. But our meet was a mistake I should had known at the start.

The actual stare was in January 11, 2014, where we share the same band in some club I'm pretty active in. I was the assistant head of the band, which means I'm sort of his 'senior' although he's a year older than me. During ice-breaking session, he was sort of the only person responding to questions, I guess that's when I situate more awareness on him than the others. Without regards, we started chatting online almost every day. He would began it with questions concerning the club, then slowly drifting away to unrelating contents that kept the conversation going. To be frank, I was comfortable with this happening, as I felt being mildly cherished in a way I was never before. Our talks were arbitrary, which is something I looked forward to after coming back from boring school.

Months passed, our chats never came to a halt. Our relationship became distinct, but without the terms of love. I would say a guy best friend of mine. We shared our life happenings, glee, hatred, everything exactly. I was temporarily out of solitude, surprising I know. The indelible chapter was during the night of a camp in a forest. We lay supine on cold beige ground, head to head, enjoying the beauty of dense midnight blue and glowing stars. It was a phenomenon not everyone could live, a memory I could never forget.

But I was drowning in oblivion.

Weeks later, we skyped about random thoughts again. Out of the blue, he created an epiphany. He first asked me for a favour, I agreed. He then unveil words I never hope to hear.

He fell in love with a close friend of mine.

I stunned like rock, not knowing what to feel. Lucky that we weren't skyping through video. Momentarily shutting down my feelings, I congratulated him with emojis and suggested ways for his success to chase his girl of dreams. Minutes later I ended the call, breaking down forthwith on my pillow. I suddenly realise I was crushing on him all the while. Our bond was so ephemeral I didn't know how to drag it to an end.

Soon, his relationship with the girl he love shattered into bits without a single doubt from the spectators. It was kind of presumed from their different types of traits that hardly click.  Me on the other hand was crippled, vanquished. I found out he treated other girls like how he treated me. To be more specific, he was basically flirting to every other girl I know. I attempted to let it go, but it couldn't break free unless I spit the truth. And I did after a deep breath during our last friendly chat. It certainly didn't went well, but my gloom soon freed itself into the past. Hooray?

Time pass while I observe the change of our lives. Soon I thanked myself for not crushing too hard on him. He isn't the guy I thought he is. He took a turn after his graduation. Changed his looks from smart to trashy. I don't know. I sort of taste grief of not understanding him utterly before I lay my crush, but also because I don't want him to change. I want him to stay as that boy who's neat, astute, kind. Maybe he doesn't know he once owned these qualities, but he truly did, at least in people's eyes. To be honest, I experienced a dash of relief and joy too as I'm completely over him.

To the boy who changed: If you're reading this, pause and refresh your mind. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and it's not too late to make a U-turn. Change not for me or the people around you, but yourself. Please.

Dying for a Man's Best Friend

I know I'm extraordinary in a way, but it's weird. My whole life I dream to have a man's best friend. A pup, a dog, or even a cat. It's a creature I would die to have as I was always that left out guy, that isolated friend at the front of the class while everyone hides at the back. Worse is I thought I was over with it, but currently my frequency of feelings just went wildfire, for reasons I don't even know.

It sounds like crap but I really feel like I own no friend in a universe I don't mean to belong. Of course I have friends, but to be honest, everyone knows that most friends are just 'surface friends' that look cool on the outside, but rarely had a conversation with. Well I myself don't give a damn about surface friends 'cause why? Why waste your caring soul to look cool & popular on the outside? I seriously don't get why, and I rather own a soul partner that both sides care & love each another.

Head bump!

Yes it's random I started on this crazy topic, but I couldn't stand it any longer. Many friends of mine may not know this, but I was "gifted" a true hatred for gossips & stupid chats. If hate's not the word, then tired it is. Because these awful chats bring me to nowhere but pointless enthusiasm & sometimes anxiety. Plus it doesn't benefit anyone, so why should I join? But don't get me wrong, of course I would lend an ear if it was from someone who really matters, someone who's worth my listen (my bff's an excellent example). Back to the ones who gossip everyday in class, is that what your life's full of? I don't mind telling you, it annoys me every single day, and I don't join them since I woke up from being an underdog or some sidekick, officially done being one.

My family never understood why I wanted a pup so much, that much till I can look at dogs through their viewing panels in pet shops for an hour; that much till I could risk myself & try to bond with growling street dogs. Because to me, it's something I needed the most. I lack sociality, an output to express myself, self-love & stability. I don't ask for much but just a man's best friend, you're telling me that's too much? They think I just want one to play with it whenever I feel like to, and then dump it back to the cage when I don't have time for it, which is one of the things I couldn't stand when pet owners do that. Even worse, pointing fingers at me predicting that I would do that to a dog? It's hurtful as heck, ain't am I already hurt enough?

Soldier companions are the warmest ones.

Still, at the end, I believe no one is going to get this. My love for animals is that enormous & my need for it ain't a millimetre tinier than it either. Guess I gotta wait till I have my own house when I'm bigger. Though I doubt that I can even touch that stage of life.

Trying to be The Girl

When I was 7 years old, I remember attending my friend's birthday party. My whole class attended so it was crowded. After the birthday girl unwrapped all her gifts, we proceeded to playtime in another room. My friends started playing with Barbie Dolls which was normal to me, but I went to play Hotwheels with the boys. I was unnoticed for 5 minutes until some boy shouted, "Hey Alanis, whatcha doing here? Aren't you suppose to join the girls?" I answered with a chill that I dislike Barbie Dolls because they were too girly, the boys started laughing with the term "gay", later including the girls too. I sat there with a frown and walked away, not really understanding what was so funny.

I was almost done with elementary school as I was often teased by my "friends" about my look and likings. I had a boycut most of the time & love playing basketball & football (although I suck at them). Even when I had long hair, I hate to brush it & tie them up before heading to school. I started to know that I couldn't go on without wearing a bra anymore which was a nightmare. As time goes by, I found that I cannot be a girl the way other girls are girls (at least not by being myself). I just like being carefree without having the need to close my legs when I sit or eat the right amount (I eat a lot - I loveeee food). 

I began to change during the time in high school. I wore dresses, tried speaking the way girls speak. I did sports not as rough as I usually do, which didn't help at all. My look was judged by popular girls who had the ideal bodies boys would go for. I shouldn't, but thanks to my sensitivity, I started to control my food portions. When I saw results, my excitement roared as I went over the limit. I felt happiness & bliss when I shot an underweight reading on the scale, I had confidence wearing tight clothes. People noticed, and they praised. So this is the way a normal girl should be? Well that's tough I would say. Not to mention, Ana & Mia were once my friends, Mia's still hanging on.

Played monkey bars till my skin fell off, woops.

Currently I'm in the wobbly state of Ana. Sometimes I eat a lot, sometimes I starve myself. Sometimes Mia steps in to help as she's the only one who cares. I still stick with my boy hair as it's the only 'myself' I have on me. Boys continue to tease while I act cool with it, worst was when a boy pulled my hair to test was it a wig or not. I have feelings, and why don't put in some effort & respect them? I don't ask for much, but at least allowing me to be the one I was born to be.

Yes I'm trying, although I don't have it considered enough. 

Past and Present

2nd month of 2015 is here, I hope everything's doing fine for you peeps out there! As for me, I would prefer the term 'neutral'.

To be frank, 2015's sort of harsh on me, but in a good way too. I received challenges I never thought I would face until I took a hard turn in life last December. It wasn't called giving up, but letting go. Difficult to explain. Like there was this active programme of my social life I like or don't like being at (I don't even know), and my head told me to get out but my heart couldn't, so I stayed for years until suddenly lightning struck, I was finally willing to let go (realising staying don't give me crap) so I did. But it wasn't letting go total, because I got a position and getting rid of it isn't fancy, so I'm currently stuck with it. It just felt different because in a sudden, I lost all the passion for it and I actually dare to not think about it every single second. Super relieved.

Reason why I stayed for years? I don't know. There were two thoughts I had. I stayed because I felt Ohana, I felt like I'm at a place I'm actually invited to be, allowed to join and bond. It touched me deep because I was sort of an unwanted kid during that time. But the other side of it, which is why I felt like leaving is because yes, Ohana right? Everyone was close and stuff, but I still felt like the odd one among everyone there. Thought there were misunderstandings or crap, but it was true. I got confessions and apologies behind the real scenes when everyone think I was sick or overthinking. I don't tell because telling would only make things worse. Trust me, I tried, I regretted big time. Sorry but the word 'trust' disappeared in my dictionary long time ago.

As a typical Scorpio, I'm freaking competitive in mostly everything. I aim for the best as long as I know I could do it, and that helped nothing during that time. I aimed for higher statuses year by year, working my ass off behind. People noticed of course, but for someone else, people noticed more. First year my friend got it, jobs given to her were more than mine. To me it was a bad thing because to compete, you whole heartily complete your tasks right? But what happens if you run out of tasks? And of course your higher-rank friend works her blood off to finish hers too. Lastly, she was told of doing a great job by completing such many tasks while I stood there thinking,"HOW THE HECK DO YOU DO MORE THAN HER IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING MORE TO DO?" 

I sort of shut myself down so that the thought doesn't bother me every single second. 

Yeah, I wasted years competing for nothing but thoughts that severely distracted me from my studies, family, friends and sports. Call me an idiot, I deserved it. Back to the present, yeah I gave up all the competition and stuff, raised the white flag. It was a new space for me, not needed to think about negativity and worry about the future I didn't even want to own. I got a position, not a really high one so it doesn't really need any of my Scorpio traits for that. Great to be back to myself. *smiles*

My full time companion.

But of course, I still feel a little out of place sometime when the committed team gathered for projects or activities and I'll be there like,"Should I give it all in? Or should I just hold it back and show that I'm done? I could give it all in to make the team score, but... erm..." I just stay at my comfort zone to prevent my past from returning. Free me from those nightmares! 

Wish everything would get a step ahead from this year onwards, grant me a chance to actually reply people "Yeah, I'm grand. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." (TFIOS is amazinggg). For now, everything seemed okay I guess? Well let's see while time flies. Au revoir :)

Start of Music

“I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” 

Some of you should be familiar with this quote. It's from a book "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman. I haven't read the book yet, but its film was one of my favourite movies. Inspiring & life-reviving, Also reminds me of the start of my early music life. Contrary to Mia's though.

Parents want their kids to learn music because you know, musical kids are better in studies, blablabla and so on. Piano was the path my parents chose for me. I started learning when I was 5. As a kid I enjoyed it a lot, playing 'Do Re Mi' while reading those colourful scores filled with cute pictures. Beethoven Bear & Mozart Mouse was a part of my childhood. But soon I could feel it wasn't as enjoying as I thought. My parents want me to take ABRSM examinations so I could level up & be better. It's cool you know, improving your skills and all, but it felt wrong. Only allowed to play my examination songs & scales. I was forced to practice & practice for hours. 

It was lucky that I had guts as a kid. I told my parents about how I felt about the exams & told them to take it easy on me. But my piano class fees weren't cheap, so my parents can't afford to let me waste time playing songs I want. It soon became torture to me. I often cried on the way to piano class, screaming excuses to skip classes as I was never good enough for my teacher. I tried to not touch the piano whenever I can. Something I used to love became something I hate awfully. Life suck during that period of time, everything seemed to be falling apart.

Please Mia, don't make me write a song.

As predicted, in 2011, my parents stopped my piano classes as they don't want to force me doing something I hate. I felt like I could breathe again, being able to stop playing exam pieces.  At first I always distanced myself from the piano, then I started to cover pop songs we hear everyday on the radio. Play-by-ear is a talent I was born with, so covering songs are a piece of cake to me. I started a Youtube channel with my piano covers uploaded there. Things started to get better, smiles started to appear on me more.

Two years later, I'd decided to go back to piano classes to continue where I left off.  I'm going for ABRSM Grade 8 next, but this time I made a deal, saying that I'll enjoy the journey playing songs I want & also practicing for my upcoming exam. Till now, everything was going smoother than ever. My Youtube career's cool, 245 subs & growing fast, and my Grade 8 exam's in April 2015. 

In the end, I would say mistakes are made for a reason. Without stopping classes, I wouldn't find out what I could do with my play-by-ear talent. I wouldn't had started a Youtube channel, I wouldn't enjoy music the way I do now. I'm glad I never gave up on what my parents had chose for me & instead choose my dream instrument, which was the violin. Still, I'm getting one as soon as I pass my Grade 8 as it's the instrument I would die to master. You won't believe this but yup I learnt how I play the violin in 3 hours. 

Someday I'll be playing it like how Mia plays her Cello, throwing myself into the violin, playing my soul in the wild. Dreams.

Lost & Gone

What would you do if you found out the one thing you loved so much you committed years for it and suddenly, you lost all the passion for it just because of one incident that changed everything?

I didn't had a choice but to give it up for something much more important, but now watching my friends continue to achieve one of my biggest dreams, it breaks me so hard I isolate myself from the society. Once a crazy wild girl then turned into this quiet insecure kid. People noticed and asked, but nothing seemed able to repair my lost soul anymore.

My life sort of tumbled downhill, my bad for not waking up, but I didn't want to. Then ana got to me, I don't even care about exams I skipped most of it, spent most of the time in my room staring blankly at the ceiling. If people ask me out I would deny no matter how exciting it sounds, I just couldn't feel the meaning of life anymore.

Looking at the mirror, it's not me I see, but someone else who's hiding me beneath it.