Sunday, 28 June 2015

Lost in Fire

Waking up by the whiff of smoke
First sight's orange blaze with no sign of joke
A blink of an eye, I laid on bed awoke
Surrounded with white, my life seemed revoked

Lost both my guardians, I grew into stray
Playing with street pups's my lonely parfait
Lazy I'm not, as I toil in a cafe
Understanding one day, my luck may decay

Sometimes I wonder who I truly am
Bullied since five but failed to throw a damn
Tears often present, finding my life a sham
Soul possessedly riding on a downhill tram

One luckless day I met this tall guy
Tempted me with candy, hidden his sly
Tagging along to the alley nearby
A terrifying affair occurred, impossible to defy

Today I lie on the sidewalk as a trier
Head stuffed with thoughts & feelings so dire
Expecting death soon, covered with pyre
All I'll remember are the ones I lost in fire.

Aflame thoughts.

- Inspired by the boldness of living fire, its aliveness that's able to thieve true love.
  Here's my first narrative poem! What a fate the persona owns. -

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Nedd a.k.a. BFF

A lady I wouldn't address
But a tigress in a dress
Her ideas so brave it's a mess
Sadly the shy in her is an ass

Her dimples mark her cool
Which I find not so true
She's so strong like a bull
Strength never used for cruel

Her food choice is my rage
So choosey I'd lock her in a cage
Although we share the same age
I believe she owns a younger page

Her worries settle on almost everything
She needs to keep calm and start singing
Her voice so good four chairs would swing
An imperfectly perfect package to be seen

Alas the down side lies on me
The friend who tried not hard enough to show her the world she foresees
I deeply hope she finds joy & glee
And live her dream like honey & bee.

15 year old cat-smiles. Ah, surely miss those junior times. 

- Not exactly inspired but requested by Nedd herself. :D
  Well, it counts though as she IS an inspiration. (written few months ago) -

Friday, 26 June 2015

Chalice of Air

Imagine being in a state
Unable to feel anything
Rage, sorrow, glee, love
As if emotions never existed in life.

Since the last few hectic months, I've been feeling awfully weird. To describe weird, I don't know how to. Emotions that used to bother me hastily stopped running its track, but trashing me in another worse way my inner army was never prepared for. I feel impossible to deliver what I perceive in heart into expressions. With a harsh saying, I couldn't even feel emotions normally anymore. I'm feeling empty inside.

Of all the different emotions that a person can have, empty is one of the most uncomfortable. To feel empty is to feel incomplete. It’s a feeling of something absent or missing inside of you, of being different, set apart, alone, lacking, numb. To someone who seems strong on the outside, yes it's a very scary experience. With that tigress cover I own, emptiness locked a laugh on my expressions when I'm sobbing deep inside. No matter how much I need to cry in order for me to explode my impurities, to balance my mind, it just won't happen.

A week ago, I attended an informal conference I was looking forward to. Not because of anything special, but I crave to spill the thoughts I long balled in heart. It was something really necessary to spill as it was a similar problem that changed me 3 years ago, unfortunately it's seems to be happening again. My past mistake years ago was that I never managed to say things out, which caused no one to understand my doings since then. I promised myself that I got to face a breakdown if it was needed, because trust me, I really really craved to get my thoughts splattered once and for all, to get rid of that stone in my heart.

But what happened? I didn't say it. I just couldn't do it in the manner I covet.

Worse is that a friend of mine stood up & fought justice for me, resulting her the lost of a dear friend. Blame's all on me, inducing this problematic I to endure another downhill of messed up sentiment. Of course I expressed her my deepest gratitude with a touch of gravitational guilt, but in the hub, how bleak I would want time to rewind itself so I could stop her from disclosing my moderately-confidential matter in a way I didn't favor. Chiefly, she made me felt remorseful with all the crumpled thoughts in my head, as if I wasn't bearing enough shots before that unwelcomed happening.

Instead of hoping my glass will soon be filled up with sanity, I pray that my glass doesn't possess a crack at its bottom, leaking away efforts of blood.

Alanis xx.

Unpredictable shut downs of lucidity really kills.

(I actually ended this painful write early as I'm starting to sink into vacuity again. Apologies.)

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Father's Day Feast

Greetings warmhearted readers! How is everyone still hanging on for the week?

So, Father's Day last Sunday just elapsed with a blink of an eye. I had a pretty stunning one celebrating this not-to-be-forgotten occasion in a bar situated in KL. Yup, a woody bar with shelves of head-knocking alcohol & smoky air filled with music from the '70s. Love its atmosphere to the moon & back as I really demanded a bar to doze my gloom off. It's named 'Racks Bar & Baby Backs'.

Guessed it or not, pork ribs & apple cocktails are the trademarks of this shadowy pub. Recommended by my uncle from the States, our expectations were not ruined by disappointment. We requested one main course & a side to share, which are the pub's famous 'Crackling & Dip' and a full rack of ribs with two bold flavours (Torture Ribs & Asian Guinness Ribs). Let me tell you this, the presentation of Racks Bar's creations already snatched my eyes away, don't even get me started on their taste. One word - Amazinglicious. Best ribs in town, I say!

Ah, reaching the terrific bit of this unforgettable feast, of course we got ourselves liquid refreshments to praise off such comforting food. I menued myself a rum cocktail named Apple Sin while my blood-related associates went for mojitos & beer. Can't believe I'm saying this, but Apple Sin's my first real cocktail in life. It slided onto my side of the table garnished with a cinnamon-glazed apple slice. Boldly impressed, I took a small sip after a slight stir and ka-pow, it appeared that I just found my true love of moonshine. Rum, cinnamon, vanilla & apple juice agitated then flavours blasted with chips of ice until chemistry touches the right temperature. Heavenly feels.

The famed Pork Crackling, crisped with much love.

Apple Sin, so sinful I got succumbed by it.

Wistfully, I forgot to snap my cell's lens on the main array for the night (aka the beautiful rack of ribs). Well, there was probably some seventh sense of mine hinting me it's alright because I'll return soon to re-satisfy my hungry tastebuds. Ah, can't wait for that glorious moment.

Finally, Happy Belated Father's Day to all the super-dads out there!

Slobber & shots, Alanis xx.

Monday, 22 June 2015

The Fox Among The Wolves

I'm a fox among the wolves
Coated in brown instead of bold grey
Obvious stand-out, but not in a fine way
"Be gone, you don't belong here", others say

I'm a fox among the wolves
Praised for bravery not, but my sneaky spot
To unravel misthoughts, I whole heartedly fought
But still others code me as a lazy donut

I'm a fox among the wolves
While the rest hunt, they said I steal food
Little others know, pry in pack's not my mood
Because solo's my flair, independence or I'm skewed

I'm a fox among the wolves
Surrounded by claws, harshly played are my days
I promise soon enough, you'll witness a mockingjay
Roaring for justice, naming my quote 'hooray'

I'm a fox among the wolves
Difference's ain't gravity but motivating stone
Distinctive colour brings out my inner hone
Yes, here I am, the fox who owns the throne.

That flawless stare.

- Inspired by my deep affection for foxes. -

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Beats Before Talent

Memories pulled me back to when I was five, I remember randomly hitting objects with stationaries such as pencils and crayons because I feel like to. Annoyance was the term teachers and adults pinned on me besides weird and noisy. But the truth is, I don't know why. Why are my knuckles always hungry to knock, why are my fingers so playful to play the piano even when the keys aren't present. Mom & dad used to say it's a bad habit of mine that I need to get rid of, which I found hard to understand back then. How is knocking objects a negative addiction?

Question marks continue to hunt my immature mind when I hopped onto elementary school. As usual, I drum my desk with out-of-ink pens or sometimes fingers when I wasn't aware of my physical side. Students dislike my company in class because of the distractions I create. Of course I felt down for some time, but I was pretty fine with such an unexplainable habit of mine. At least it's better than grinding my teeth that produces a sandy resonance, which I told no one before.

Things began to clear its rainy clouds above my head when I got enrolled into high school. My addiction sort of 'improved' through years of heedless practice I perform everywhere I went. Soon, my beats got noticed by a true friend of mine. She referred my convention as a talent which gently blown my mind away. During the time, I discovered an amazing musical expertise from my classmate. As you guessed (or not), it's a thing named "Pen Tapping", which is creating fruitful beats by only one or two pens on a desk. I was staggered by such a rare informal performance my friend played in class and decided to get my itchy hands on it. With a month, Pen Tapping was a flair I could include in my casual application.

Yup, just two pens & a desk.

Very unexpectedly, this stage of mine became my main spotlight of my YouTube channel. My first cover went viral within the humans I know in days. Subscribers click the button more for pens than piano, proving that something I learnt in a month was attractive than a skill I took years to master. I admit I feel down sometimes watching my piano covers lose gas while on their way shooting to the stars, but a long lost invincible spark managed to drag me back on stage. 

I never knew my randomness in knocking solid objects could turn into my spotlight till now.

The focal message I want to send to you all amazing humans is real simple: Everyone owns a talent that allows each of us to shine in our own unique ways. Hidden or not, never give up on cultivating it even if you may meet harsh barriers on your hilly journey. 'Cause trust me, you're going to need that talent with you one day in order to permanently frame that cheeky smile on your face.

Meow. (Yup this cheeky smile)

Subscriber or not, thank you for the support on YouTube from the bottom of my heart. ;) 

Friday, 19 June 2015

15 Dots of my Bucket List

"You know all those things you've always wanted to do? You should go do them."

Was I yawning or roaring again?

Here are 15 tiny but mighty dots of my current bucket list. :)

1. Travel all around the world. Backpacking would be a fitting challenge!

2. Master culinary art, earn the title of Top Chef & hold the chance to meet my favourite chefs (Guy, Kristen Kish, Cat Cora etc).

3. Deserve my own YouTube Partner Reward of getting 100K Subs (silver) and 1M Subs (gold)!

4. Receive an invitation to a really cool YouTube Collaboration. (YT Rewind!)

5. Keep my hair real long then flare it up with gentle red highlights. Mmmm.

6. Own 4 kids named Logan, Danielle, Zoey & Asher.

7. Have a collection of my favourite fashion assets: Hoodies, Snapbacks, Sneakers...

8. Open a restaurant of a combination of my two favourite cuisines, French & Mexican.

9. If possible, get a double degree of fine culinary & creative directing.

10. Meet Ed Sheeran & let the inspiring artist sign my guitar with colourful sharpies.

11. Rule the guitar like Sungha Jung & expert drums till I could play by ear.

12. Learn to fluently speak & write French & German.

13. Get fit & toned, I suppose? (Nah this one's a must.)

14. Adopt a puppy / a few puppies! (Husky, Beagle, Akita, Shiba Inu..)

15. Learn Kickboxing & Parkour like a boss. Hmm I'm actually serious about it heh.

Stars on my head, I suppose?

Hope you had a beautiful day!

Alanis xx.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Cfn 2015

Here's a scene of the event's BOD.

Qianrou - 4 years Cfn buddy. <3

I actually don't know what to start off with. To be honest, satisfaction isn't even included in it.

Screw the plot I'm not even in the mood to list out the stuff I went through in details, but it was a heck of awfully grey clouds I once threw in my letter of departure just to not let myself collide into that sight again. Imagine something I would die just so I wouldn't need to witness it happen in front of my empty eyes again. And it's heart-tearing to say this, but yes, it's happening again. The crap I used to cry in bed every single night as I didn't stand a chance to be in control of things, it's reliving history with a whole new level.

Now it sucks even more as my blog can't act as my smoke vent anymore as it's invaded with humans who shouldn't be knowing all the shit that's mashing up my life. Obvious enough, I'm not really in a role where I could explode whenever I feel like to or wherever I want to. My depression set to drain my thoughts in the morning hours only worsen things at the most incorrect time. It sawed me open in gory when the person whom stands on the fitting capability that offered real help became the main source of this repeating tornado. Admitting my current vulnerability, I cried nights & currently do so as I don't see a math equation that's able to fix this soul-fracturing drawback.

What's so dolorous that made words unfindable to express my unseeable tears? How can I even unleash the truth when the people around me also play a character of cause? How can I explain my dignity shattered into fine sand, mental persistence no longer hanging on the edgy cliff when there's not even one there with all ears in? Maybe I really am so odious I shouldn't be surprised seeing no shadows nearby to listen, maybe I'm just an idiot suffering with severe depression who can't face the mirror to obtain real help & instead lie dead on my desk every single day, smile so I could inspire people who look up to me, laugh like Mad Hatter so people think I'm okay. The strong cover I used to hold with feeble grips will soon be blustered off by the hurricane of realisation, it only matters on time.

To the man whom I once believed you could lend me an opaque helping grasp, I thought you knew what it feels like being in my shoes. I thought you knew how painful it is to witness out-of-control happenings slapping your face repeatedly with no mercy. Yet you're throwing such a scene straight into my eyes, like reflecting sunlight directly onto a Vampire's face. I don't what else to say, but thanks for breaking me till the point I am today. I probably seem as if I don't need support as I appear to have this lionheart-cover on me with my boycut & stained army tag, but you're furiously hitting the wrong keys this time. Overpolishing the sensitivity of another person for the reason she's not as strong as me only ships things closer to the iceberg of Titanic.

I'm sorry for being such a weakling, if that's what you crave to hear.