Awful Stereotypes

Few days ago, I attended my first ever Sociology class in my first week of college. What's Sociology, you ask? Well, it is the scientific study of social behaviour or society, including its origins, development, organisation, networks & institutions (basically humans in groups, I think?). Yup, the field is pretty wide to me, and I chose to sit in this subject as it'd probably decorate my Communications major. Lots to memorise/understand, at least I own my liking to this subject.

One of the subtopics I learnt from class last Tuesday was a term you can spot from the title above - Stereotypes (no I did not learn what's above the stars). A term widely used in society nowadays, it is also something we shouldn't practice & model in the 20th century. Here's a thing you gladly discover about me today: I HATE people who stereotypes. In such a rapidly-growing & advanced decade, there is no way I can understand why these doltish humans chose to follow the view of old/dead people of their same kind. Like come on, man. Why would you think Asians are freaking smart anymore? Most of us were forced to bury our faces into books & dictionaries when we were young, don't say you're still in support of that torturing childhood story! Anyways, here are a few stereotypes I loathe to the extend I'd spit on horrible humans who practices them.

1. Tomboys are gay.

Alright guys let's end it all here for once. WHY IN HEAVENS WOULD YOU THINK SO? Just because they dress like a boy & skateboard to school, there's no way that makes us fall for the same gender as we are. I'm not saying there are no gay tomboys, but I'm spreading the awful logic of this faulty stereotype to the world so inconsiderate souls would stop thinking so. Do you know how hard is it for us when boys cut off the affection for tomboys as we are stereotyped as gays? I have guy friends saying shit to me as if I don't get hurt like girly girls, pulling my hair thinking I'm wearing a wig (why) & of course, thinking I'm in love with my bestie. So please, just stop it all for us cool people's sake. 

2. Asians are good at math.

Nope nope nope, at least not for me. I HATE & suck at math, even the calculator doesn't sound like help to me.

3. People with beatifully decorated houses are rich af.

Okay this is not a popular one you'd hear your buddies rant about, but it's something I can definitely relate to. Yup the interior design of my house is throughly-thought & my family did spent a lot on our warm cozy shelter, it's because you see, it's our fucking home. We rather spend our hearts onto a place where we'd enjoy lovely times with our closest relatives than waste it on stuff like fashion & food etc. As a matter of fact, we rarely spend our notes on entertainment like going to the movies & karaokes. Thus in conclusion, we don't buy IKEA furniture just to look like we're top class citizens, I can hardly afford my college education so shut up.

4. YouTubers are (expected to be) extroverts & fun in real life.

Firstly I'd like to declare most YouTubers ARE fun in the non-virtual society, allow me to refer to the other small half of the YouTuber community. I'm an extroverted-introvert, for example. I do love to laugh & shake new hands all the time, but it's also one of my struggles to actually greet & make new friends. I constantly try so hard to squeeze myself into crowds & try to be cool in order to have unknown classmates approach me, but I was unintentionally trained to be an anti-social kid. Here's a tiny favour I'd ask for, next time you see us, feel free to greet & hug us first before we nervously run off! 

That's all I suppose. High five to you if you agree with me! Don't worry if you don't though, I'll still give you a high five then drop it off once you're into it. Nah blame's not on me, you're slow.

Hope you enjoyed the read & stay beautiful on the inside aites! Alanis xx.

Unknot My Head

You know what's tremendously hard for me? I'm talking about something that constantly bothers me in a way that steals the healing pill away. Not asking for it, but people barely understand.

It's what you're looking at right now. This blog, its content, these words.

I'm not sure about how much people around me know, but I don't want them to. Yet I write pessimistic shit on a public site expecting people not to discover. At the same time, I need alive ones to look at it, balancing the equation of expressing & listening. It's confusingly complicated, I know. Now the intention of this read is to explain to you what's so frustratingly tough, something I can never overcome. I regret creating a two-sided reflection of myself. Chose to hide my horrible imperfections & tried so hard to impress for a life. After all these years, I could say, I succeeded? People would refer me as the tough little daredevil who does crap she like. Yet inside, I contain so many untold secrets that once I expose, people won't believe me, because of what I reflected in the past years. And that's what scares me, when I now found realisation & want to save myself. Wanting to express myself through words & all, but can't seem to do it with an unknotted heart. For so many reasons, two being destroying all the long-built impression & letting down humans who somehow look up to me.

I just can't do it without shutting both eyes.

How could I feel comfortable publicly writing on my blog that I'm struggling with disorders, knowing my juniors could see them yet I need an understanding audience outside my world? How could I possibly express my terribly low-leveled self-love without people lowering their expectations from me? I'm that senior who sits down & listens to another person's problems, later helping them overcome their issues & giving them warmth; because I'm good at helping from experience. I know there are millions of souls out there like me, struggling to grab a lifebuoy in the middle of darkness without turning the lights on. But it's just so difficult as I already projected a crumpled image of myself. I'm not as strong as I look, instead I suffer from crap only very insecure humans cry from. I care so much about judgements I shouldn't care about, causing me to overthink anything and everything. I'm that sensitive, and it's just worse when people don't know.

People ask me whether I'm gay or bi although I'm just a straight tomboy. And it deeply scratches the sensitivity in me. Speaking about being a tomboy, people rarely lend us the warmth, because we look like we don't need as much love as girly girls do. Can you imagine a tomboy wrestling with anorexia & bulimia? A tomboy who has depression & harms herself? Probably nope, as we look like we don't give a fuck about insecurities, don't we. Adds up on how it's harder for me to open up compared to girly girls, how hard it is to be accepted into society. I remember the first time I told a friend I trust about my condition, she just couldn't believe it & thinks I'm kidding. Another thinks I'm searching for attention. All because I don't look like a weakling who would force herself to throw up dinner every night, cry herself to sleep & tattoo her arm with a blade.


I'm only a tomboy with a scar & so much you don't know.

Questioning My Sexuality

Hmmm. This is going to be a back-breaking one. Just let me breathe for a second, alright.

Yesterday around 6.30pm, I stormed around the house looking for plans to entertain myself instead of hitting the books. A hair clip sitting on the cupboard caught my sight, therefore I grabbed it & went for the mirror in the office. Finally a solution to fix my grass-like bangs, I thought. With a little swish swash, the hairdo's done, I stared at myself, unknowingly feeling a slight dissatisfaction towards the image reflected on the glass.

I realised that I did not like the way I was presented to society.

Modelled like some A class student with geeky hair just missing her thick glasses, I pulled off the hair clip causing an unintentional pompadour standing above my forehead. Fingers began to violently play with my side locks while my facial senses gave a confused & dejected look. The turf-like hair was a result of an untrimmed pixie cut looking forward to become dashing long hair. This clear idea slapped me awake, questioning me the same question that never left since I was 5. Who am I trying to become?

If you're once or currently a close ally of mine, you should had noticed the constant irritating changes of my hair length since late primary school. When it was long, I would want it short; When it's short for some time, I would want it to be long again. And the cycle flows on till this day. My gray matter fought the war & lit up the lightbulb, forcing the evoke of the reasons why I do such repeating actions. In a sudden I realised, short boycuts are my ever identity, but I keep them long to match the cast I was fixed to be, not the one I am.

Recalling my childhood afflictions opens up the wound. Shopping the boy's department, invading the Hotwheels section in Toys R' Us, picking on drums instead of ballet. All these divergence that are now no longer uncommon meant something. Even my macho personality kills it. Guessed it or not, this once lead me to think I was gay, but it felt so wrong; I never once had feelings for a person whom I share the same gender with, and my crushes are laid on men. So it was concluded that me being gay was impossible. Thus I'm bisexual neither (this probably needs time to tell me so), leading me to the familiar one of a kind.

Well it's not exactly surprising, but I'm a tomboy for sure. For those who aren't sure about the term, here's wikipedia for you. Being one doesn't actually terrifies me as I find it a cool fitting in society, but what I'm scared of is the probability of me being bigender. Contrary to bisexual, bigenders still fall in love with the person they share the opposite sex with. But what's heavy that this word's carrying is that it refers to the constant switching of genders varying to situations & dysphoria is present. Now, what's on me is I don't own the constant gender swapping part, I can only imagine myself falling in love with men, but I'm positive that my hair switches play a sign as gender dysphoria. So if you question me, am I bigender? The answer's I don't know. It all lands on time to execute its thing.

Ellen Page's my tomboy bae. <3

To be honest, writing this post's so hard. Revealing my true identity feels amazing, but the surroundings that matter owns a mild chance of grabbing acceptance. For instance, my parents. They would flip if they find out, and it's only the matter of time for it to occur. Plus they wouldn't allow me another boycut. It sucks being locked as someone you're not for the pride of others. I swear Asian parents are not as nonjudgmental as the Americans.

To wrap the ribbon around the edge, I'm just going to continue being me because hey, I don't live for others but for myself. It doesn't matter if you refuse to accept the logic, only my opinions weight. Could use the support. And check out this short film 'Boy', love it so much as it somehow relates. Would also love to express my respect for the people who came out to their true individuality, may the force always be with you!


Have a wonderful week & I'll see you soon. :)

Alanis xx.