Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Unknot My Head

You know what's tremendously hard for me? I'm talking about something that constantly bothers me in a way that steals the healing pill away. Not asking for it, but people barely understand.

It's what you're looking at right now. This blog, its content, these words.

I'm not sure about how much people around me know, but I don't want them to. Yet I write pessimistic shit on a public site expecting people not to discover. At the same time, I need alive ones to look at it, balancing the equation of expressing & listening. It's confusingly complicated, I know. Now the intention of this read is to explain to you what's so frustratingly tough, something I can never overcome. I regret creating a two-sided reflection of myself. Chose to hide my horrible imperfections & tried so hard to impress for a life. After all these years, I could say, I succeeded? People would refer me as the tough little daredevil who does crap she like. Yet inside, I contain so many untold secrets that once I expose, people won't believe me, because of what I reflected in the past years. And that's what scares me, when I now found realisation & want to save myself. Wanting to express myself through words & all, but can't seem to do it with an unknotted heart. For so many reasons, two being destroying all the long-built impression & letting down humans who somehow look up to me.

I just can't do it without shutting both eyes.

How could I feel comfortable publicly writing on my blog that I'm struggling with disorders, knowing my juniors could see them yet I need an understanding audience outside my world? How could I possibly express my terribly low-leveled self-love without people lowering their expectations from me? I'm that senior who sits down & listens to another person's problems, later helping them overcome their issues & giving them warmth; because I'm good at helping from experience. I know there are millions of souls out there like me, struggling to grab a lifebuoy in the middle of darkness without turning the lights on. But it's just so difficult as I already projected a crumpled image of myself. I'm not as strong as I look, instead I suffer from crap only very insecure humans cry from. I care so much about judgements I shouldn't care about, causing me to overthink anything and everything. I'm that sensitive, and it's just worse when people don't know.

People ask me whether I'm gay or bi although I'm just a straight tomboy. And it deeply scratches the sensitivity in me. Speaking about being a tomboy, people rarely lend us the warmth, because we look like we don't need as much love as girly girls do. Can you imagine a tomboy wrestling with anorexia & bulimia? A tomboy who has depression & harms herself? Probably nope, as we look like we don't give a fuck about insecurities, don't we. Adds up on how it's harder for me to open up compared to girly girls, how hard it is to be accepted into society. I remember the first time I told a friend I trust about my condition, she just couldn't believe it & thinks I'm kidding. Another thinks I'm searching for attention. All because I don't look like a weakling who would force herself to throw up dinner every night, cry herself to sleep & tattoo her arm with a blade.

I'm only a tomboy with a scar & so much you don't know.