30 Random Favourites

Hello Earthlings! It's been some time since my last post, so why not update my blog a little by sharing some random favourites with you all?

1. Colour - Red
2. Fruit - Really sweet Strawberry / Apple
3. Candy - Caramel
4. Chocolate - I don't like chocolate, but I'll go with M&Ms
5. Cold Drink - Smoothies from Boost Juice Bars (specifically with berries)
6. Hot Drink - Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato 
7. Ice Cream - BR's Hokey Pokey / Cotton Candy
8. Number - 12 or 1
9. Soup - Tomato
10. Car -  Any Mini Cooper
11. Reality Show - The Amazing Race
12. Movie - How To Train Your Dragon (both 1 & 2)
13. Sport - Basketball
14. Meat - Fish (boneless please)
15. Vegetable - Brussel Sprouts / Eggplant / Bitter Gourd
16. Genre of Music - Acoustic Pop / Louis The Child Remix
17. City to Visit - Amsterdam / Stockholm
18. Celebrity Crush - Felix Kjellberg (if YouTubers count!)
19. Book - The Fault In Our Stars
20. Dog - Husky
21. Flower - Rose
22. Dessert - Crème Caramel
23. Smell - IKEA furniture
24. Game - Harvest Moon
25. Piece of Jewelry - Army Tag
26. Jeans - Uniqlo's Ultra Stretch 
27. Condiment - Tabasco / Wasabi / Mustard
28. Season - Winter / Spring
29. Comfort Food - Sweet Potato Fries
30. Piece of Clothing - Hoodie

Happy New Year everyone, Alanis xx.

241 Days Later

Yup, the scar's still present on my left wrist, only without the spilling blood.

You might remember one remarkable blog post I wrote few months ago as I definitely do. Specifically 241 days ago, I was drowned with dark thoughts in my classroom, wanting to kill myself. And I did try, the blade sunk deep slicing peach flesh, revealing a greenish blue vein inside me. All was remembered well as it was a day that changed me lots. The self-granted drug I sniffed was strong enough to made me let go, to take my first step of freeing myself. I was pissed from slashing that cut, it left me a scar which would stay for eternity. More pissed that ever, people who are fated to care didn't fucking noticed my near death. I constantly ask myself, why should I care when they don't? Obviously it's a stupid question where I should care for them although they don't show the same, but I couldn't stand it anymore - the quarrelling, misunderstandings, unreasonable finger pointing, so much unfair prejudice that once & still holds one of the reasons of why I urged to jump off the 6th floor. 

It's not much, but it's more than enough.

Alright lets take away the point where such 'caring' people didn't seem to help mend me at all, but they don't just leave me drowning, they unfix me. Meaning they fucking screw things to the worse extent I rather disappear from their sight. Rude for me to say such words, but try standing in my shoes, what would you do? Trembling arms not even close to seeking self-help, I'm forced to swim in my scrambled thoughts day by day while staring at mental abusers. I finally opened up to my condition that I needed assistance, yet you restrict me from a lending hand outside of home. Does my situation makes it justifiable to say I feel totally helpless? Because that's what I feel every single day, stuck in my room trying to make things right, at least better. As someone who prefers hiding my own issues from the blissful smiles around me, it feels horrible opening up that I'm not okay, but I understand that I have to, yet what I obtained in return is embarrassment, regret & dreadful taunts.

Hate to say this so much, but I know I'm relapsing & my will's against from fighting it away. For the past few months I try so hard to think positive for real, get blades out of my sight, forgive & forget and so on. I pushed Ana away & gained my pounds back, I placed Harry's invisible cloak on Mia & it has been months since I purged. But the experienced ones knows that once they get to you, they never leave. My saviour Onision slapped it on our face that after all we can do, the only way to solve it is to seek for professional help, which is the one thing I couldn't attain from where I stand. Thanks to him, I officially brought cutting to a halt & I truly hope I don't relapse from cutting again. It was a tough journey, but I managed to loosen my fingers. As for that one senior who made the deal (read old post here), go fuck yourself. I hung onto the deal for your sake, yet you continue to smoke then & now. Could say it ain't surprising you broke the deal by looking at your doubtful face!

I'm writing this out of pain because I have nowhere else to exert my worries, and I apologise if this post didn't make your day brighter. After all, I began to blog as it's my one & only place to write who I am despite the acceptance of others. Hey, doesn't this prove that no one's living a perfect life as what it seems on screen? Just telling you I'm as ordinary as you are, maybe even a little broken inside.

Remember it's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Have a great one, Alanis xx.

Encadrè | Prom '15

Ello!

Held on December 15, Prom was excitingly fun! I decided to wear a tux-like attire not because I like dressing up as a guy (nope not at all), but I just can't resist the classy tuxedo look, it represents my style in a way. I love dresses but I just can't seem to find the perfect one right before prom. Anyways, I think it's best that I clarify that the stuff I wore are all ladies wear. Yup, it's possible to look as classy as men in ladies wear aites. Screw them stereotypes.

With the lovely weirdos. (Nedd, Michelle, Yan Jing & I)

2/3 of the Makan Gang! By the way, we're scouts.

Although we were lucky to book Table 1 which is the table nearest to the stage, I swear that my ears nearly got blown off by the electric guitar's amplifier. Seriously, who the heck adjusted the amplifier's volume until the guitar covers the vocals? A table full of intolerant critics, we all left the table once the guitarist played & sang for another session. I'm also surprised that there was no Best Dressed award this year, weird don't you think? Nonetheless, it was a great one because of the burning warmth of my buddies & the enjoyment we had. Everything is fun once the team is present!

Trying to be fancy but nope we just can't. #SneakersSquad

Photo booth spam!

See those photo booth strips above? Well, those were EARNED by hard work - standing in line over & over again in high heels. Yup, I was wearing leather boots with heels, startled how most people didn't realise that until I duckwalked around with a cringing face. In overall, prom was a memorable one, what a way to end the high school journey with the people who matters. <3

Don't hesitate to do crazy things, Alanis xx.

Soon-To-Be Freshman!

Oh gosh, the speed of time is really intimidating to my snowballing maturity.

What my young heart feels is that I just enrolled into kindergarten yesterday, went for a one day trip with my primary school buddies, water-splashing the birthday student after the bell rang, finishing my first scout camp as a idiot who doesn't know any life surviving skills and the list goes on and on.

And now, I'm just a footstep away from my next milestone - college.

Honestly, that's petrifying. Saying it is a piece of cake; but to act, that's something my mouth would stutter on. Considered that I just went through 5 years of high school which carved me from cave to rock knocked me a huge sense of realisation that I have to begin flourishing my responsibilities & stop arguing over kid shit, but doesn't it seem crazy to us that in a blink of an eye all words are enough said & it's time to face upcoming adulthood? I mean, frankly we're not ready, our age show prove doesn't mean our souls are. Shivering little mouses we are, blimey! Our world is about to get real!

Alright that's enough dramatic mess, let's just toughen up (or at least act like it).

Yup, I'm becoming a freshman soon. 37 days to be exact, as orientation day's on January 20. It's insane because you see, it's a total different level of education system I'm soon dealing with. Immense independence, intraspecific competition, resolute use of creativity, extreme commitment, the hunger to thrive- all these essential qualities in order to achieve success in my next milestone are very easy things to say but difficult things to master. Procrastination won't be our unprofitable drug anymore, but a dream crusher that we must not allow it to linger around. The enemy level between laziness & I would rise sky high. Will I be able to keep my heart beating? I don't even know how to answer that question!

Signed up for ADTP in January intake at Sunway College (majoring in Communication), I would say it's a little nerve-wrecking as I'm not entirely sure of how the journey goes - how do I wisely pick my minors, how do I complete credit hours, how do I act like a normal college student who knows how to get her shit done and so. I really want to ace this college milestone, but I'm not as prepared as the best I can be. Well, I also have to stop fretting about future education while I'm currently being surrounded by a bunch of humans partying on a sleepover night. What on Earth am I doing to enjoy my holidays?!

Better get back to dancing to Troye Sivan's hits & playing board games. Have a super duper exciting holiday aites!


Cheers, Alanis xx.

Permanently Tucked In Jeans

You know the everyday thoughts you receive throughout the day, most of them being random & all, maybe even related to unicorns & penguins. I have mine too, and some of them meet the qualification to end up on this simple little blog.

Today while my butt warmed up the passenger seat of my dad's car, getting a second ride to my future college's Open Day, I looked in the mirror wondering about how I look & did I wear proper enough to not let myself down in front of lecturers & administrators. It was nothing fancy to start with, just a blue jersey-material tee with sweat pants, toed with a pair of muddy trainers. Basically, I look like shit & could look better with effort, but somehow I didn't care. Then the thoughts came in about what would people think of my thoughts regarding this topic. And it went deeper, more irrelevant & so. I'm a deep thinker in weird stupid thoughts, you see. But these are the things my creativity generator fueled on in order to keep my interests running. My blog, for example.

Sums my life up.

Anyways, back to topic before I float away again. My thoughts found me the urge to write a post about my thoughts on getting dressed every single day. In a way people could understand relatably, so here's it. First, I'd like to express that getting dressed irritates the heck out of me sometimes, in a way similar to how girls stare at their wardrobe complaining they have no clothes to put on, but with a mini twist. I have so many aspects swirling around in my head when it comes to dressing myself. Not to look like a guy but my clothes make me look like one, not wearing the same clothes over & over again, trying to look feminine but at the same time look cool, all these inessential judgements kills me. What's worse is after tucking on & flipping out clothes for half an hour, I often end up losing the motive to dress to impress & would just put on pyjamas and leave the house. The girl who gives zero fucks.

I struggle more on not wearing the same stuff over & over again than not looking like a guy (nah it's the same). My favourites you could possibly see me wear 4 times a week are my black skinnies, the only pair of converse I have & printed jerseys. These items are always on me 24/7 because their simplicity expresses my style. Yes I do wash them, so don't keep asking me why I'm so boring. Might be surprising to you, I do love crop tops, muscle tanks and more feminine clothing but they always get changed out before I leave my room. I just can't accept them tucked on me for a reason I myself don't understand, but I'd love to wear them out! Skirts are a no no, doesn't mean dresses stick in the same category as them. Although I only own two summer dresses, I'm dying to get more but at the same time I suck at getting them on me before leaving my bedroom. How's that a struggle for you guys?

As a tumblr-ish 17 year old who definitely has a feminine touch in her that people often unintentionally smack that off by hurting insults, fashion does play a huge part in my life although I don't prove much of it everyday. I'd love to make fashion hauls & Ootd vlogs based on my style on YouTube but I constantly have a feeling that people won't accept that coming out from me. Probably because I'm a straight tomboy who has spilled my wrong first impression to people, now having to live up to it. I'm not what I seem to appear most of the time, so you should learn how to stop locking a personal judgement of someone's look once you knew (or thought you knew) them. And hey, I'm not exactly a boring human being who can survive with wearing cargo shorts & a dusty tee all the time, didn't get my dad's genes for this one! (Sorry dad)

Staph.

Nonetheless, just dress to be you, the real you I mean. Sometimes people just don't care.

Stay crazy, Alanis xx.

Flawed Jaws

Everyone has their flaws, and today I chose to talk about the physical ones that can be identified on one's look in a blink of an eye. Mine is something rare that happens in the circle of friends I live in, something that must be explained when one questions. You'd probably noticed as it's pretty obvious, my underbite has been causing many misunderstandings for a while now.

Yup.

Got it from my dad's genes, I was born with an underbite that grew much more obvious throughout my childhood years. Surprisingly, I didn't knew I had it until I was called 'monkey' during my 3rd year in primary school. Staring at the mirror for hours like an insecure teenager, I was wondering - "What's wrong with me? Why do I look different from my friends? Am I really a monkey?" Luckily I wasn't a kid who care much about other people's judgements (or at least during then) thus I happily brushed it off & continue living life. Slowly, I realised it's getting obvious & obvious year by year, and I began to feel my unconfident shivers popping out of my chest. I didn't like it, the look & the nicknames, especially when they are reflected on one's face which is unavoidable to take a glance at everyday.

In high school, noticeable changes are my abnormal smiles, trying to hide the lower lip in but it only show the jaws more. As my teeth are also very untidy with chunks of it growing with different angles, I had one of the worse teeth you can ever have. An often asked question by my school mates was "why don't you go get braces?",  even I thought so too. Until I pulled my parents along to the dentist far away from home to get it checked & inquired more about it, I became aware that my case isn't the usual 'crooked teeth' kind of situation where you just pull out a few teeth & have braces on for years to have it solved. It's an underbite, the only way to fix it is surgery. Freezing that moment, I was terrified of the pain & the huge amount of uncomfortable time I had to go through, but I was so willing to fix it I could agree with whatever treatment as long as the nicknames stopped shooting towards my head.

But the problem is not about the pain, neither the hurting clock ticks, but the cost.

The surgery costed 30 thousand bucks, you see. Adding on the 2-years-braces & getting a few teeth out, the total's around 40k. Insurance couldn't cover a single cent as it's considered as a type of cosmetic surgery, something to improve one's appearance instead of health (but lets talk facts, fixing an underbite does improve teeth health). Staring at my parents' astonishing faces, I knew the answer's no. Went home sobbing in the car, my head was filled with negativity of continuous mocking I had to face all my life. People didn't knew the stuff they say about it actually hurts the hell out of me. Try being called an ape everyday in class, it's not something laughable at all. Friends often misunderstand my mood when they stare at me while I try to pay attention in class, most would think I'm mad as I do look mad, but I was not. Having a resting bitchface all the time is already not helping my life, imagine having an underbite stacked on. Plus it's not something I could possibly hide in any way, something I have to deal with 24/7 in the social space we live in.

The point is, think twice before you start to judge on one's personality or anything. Or don't judge at all & just go home already. I used to be very unconfident about my underbite, but now I'd accepted it as a part of me & I feel okay letting it show its flaws to the world I see. Yes it definitely annoys the hell out of me when people don't get me, but what can you say? A little explanation wouldn't hurt a soul I guess. Would I still have the surgery done in the future when I could afford it? The answer's yes. Hey, it's not because I'm denying my father's genes, but I'd love to see how I look with such a flaw taken away from me, it would be fun shocking the friends who once teased me too (you'll see what you missed hohoho). Anyways, don't look down on the physical flaws you own aites! Embrace it to the fullest, it's a part of you so you gotta be proud of it! Extraordinary always beats the ordinary, don't let it incinerate your social life in any way!

That awkward smile?

I feel you, you feel me, we all are in this journey together. Just be yourself yup!

Wishing you a fun December, Alanis xx.

Harry Potter | Q&A

Greetings muggles! As you may know or not, I recently rewatched every Harry Potter movie due to my faded memory towards its storyline & also to destress myself throughout the horrible SPM journey. Definitely no regrets although I ended up only getting 2 hours of sleep for 8 days straight. They were so good that I was willing to screw my study schedule just to keep my head entertained! Today, I'll be doing a Harry Potter Q&A (or tag whatever you like to call it) that consist of 15 questions about the amazing series. But before we start, I'd like to make it clear that I had never read the books & only watched the films, so everything below is based on the screen instead of the pages.

Awww.

1. Favourite male character?
Either Draco Malfoy or Neville Longbottom, I just can't make up my mind!

2. Favourite female character?
Luna Lovegood. Such a sweet & innocent character.

3. Favourite professor?
Severus Snape. His death sent me to my bedroom, hugging my teddy soaking it with tears.

4. Favourite & least favourite movie?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows part 2 is my favourite other than Half Blood Prince. Snape is the reason why as I reaaaaally adore the character to the extend I would read his wiki page again & again. My least favourite would be Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone.

5. Would you rather travel to hogwarts via A) Hogwart Express or B) Flying Car?
Definitely Hogwart Express! Not trying to be safe but I can't afford to miss the scenery along the luxurious ride & the candy cart. The flying car doesn't seem fun to me..

6. Would you rather A) Kiss Voldemort or B) Give Umbridge a bubble bath?
Gosh this is hard. I'm disgusted by Umbridge but at the same time I can never kiss Voldemort no matter what unless I had to save lives. Probably go for giving that ugly bitch a bath. (Or can I give Voldemort a bath? That's better)

7. Which house was your first gut feeling you'd be a part of?
Slytherin is who I am. Long explanation, but if I get to pick a house to be in, I'll go for Gryffindor because I have strategy in mind.

8. Which house were you actually sorted into on Pottermore?
I did it twice on two different websites, got Slytherin at first, but then I got Gryffindor on another one. Confusing eh?

Hermione being Hermione.

9. Which is your favourite class?
Another hard one. I would say Defence Against the Dark Arts, with Transfiguration and Dark Arts coming behind. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin.

10. Which character do you think you'd instantly become friends with?
Ron Weasley! We can chat all day I suppose!

11. If you could own one of the three hallows, which one would it be?
The invisibility cloak. The elder wand seems like fun, but of course we don't want it to be in the wrong hands as I would play around with it.

12. Favourite spell?
Sectumpsempra. Not because I'm evil (okay a little evil) but able to control the slashes by swinging the wand sounds exciting to me! Muahahahahaha.

13. If you could bring one character back to life, who would it be?
SNAPE. I really wanna bring Dobby back to life too but aaaargh I need Snape to live, I'm sorry!

14. Favourite location?
Hagrid's hut. He's such a great guy who saved lives without knowing.

15. Hallows or horcruxes?
Hallows. Why would I want to be immortal with the risk of others destroying pieces of my heart than be the master of death?

<3

Should you rewatch Harry Potter when you have nothing to do? YES, GO DO IT NOW.

Have a great day, Alanis △⃒⃘

Why Communications, but not Film?

So here's the other blog post which I promised you guys from my last write, read on!

You might be awfully curious about why I went with a Communications major rather than Film, especially when one of my ambitions is to work in the film industry. Long but important story I'm about to tell you, you might even learn something from this meaningful write!

Me excited for college.

First of all, let's compare the real career choices that can be offered after graduating from both degrees. For film, there are the usual film-related gigs available (camerawork, editing etc), producing & directing are the main ones I love. Other than that, the larger percentage consists of commercial management, sales, business, clerical & much more. You see, the percentage of getting a hollywood-related job is only 12%. But hey, don't get me wrong! By now you should understand that I'm quite a risk-taker who would not pull myself back just because it's a 12%, just let me finish up the next paragraph for me to make a full explanation on this aspect.

For communications, this now popular & widely known field basically covers mostly everything because it's a social thing (duh)! With its degree, there's a huge area of careers available like public relations, event management, advertising, journalism, broadcasting & even social media! This actually includes a few film-related gigs like directing & producing with a little film studies on hand, get the picture?

Now time for the real comparison based on numerous aspects. One of the main reasons I picked ADTP is not just because I want to study in America, but I want to live there. The plan after graduating is to get a stable job so I'll be given a working Visa, years later a Green card. To get a stable job, I have to pick the one that's safe & would work on plan, which is communications as there are more secure jobs available than that of film studies. Besides, if things don't work out the way I want & I end up flying back to Malaysia years later, a communications degree can still provide me a great career here! Imagine having a film degree here, it's difficult to actually get an enjoyable job (for me, at least).

Talk about interest, I definitely have more towards film than communications, but honestly, why pick the favourite so I could enjoy 3 or 4 years of further studies then suffer the worse later? In my position, I'm currently not financial stable, nor could I afford to pay all my college and uni fees without searching for ways to work things out. I don't have a backup plan if I fail, not like my rich friends who have their parents's business to continue if they can't find a job after uni. My wallet's not fat, I can't go for higher studies after graduating from uni to get a secure dream job later on. Dodging all these comparisons, it's not true that I don't own interest for communications. As it happens, I love communications too! Hence, it's not exactly a pain in the heart for me to make a choice like that. I'm totally cool for it, presentations & talks are my thing (although I suck at it).

I hope the stuff above clearly (and long-windedly) explained to you about my choice of a college major. Now the advice part - First, always pick what you have interest in no matter how crazy it sounds to you or other people. If you love music or art so much you want to take its degree, go for it! There's no such thing as 'music is for people who can't get good grades' or some other stupid saying from foolish adults. Next, pick what's best for you. Lay out a draft of your future, analyse it with mature thoughts. Don't just think about how fun your college life can be, but the life you earned after throwing your graduation caps for the last time. Also, don't follow your friends in everything & their study choices (seriously!) People who does this are always fated with regrets after finishing their first semester when they figured out that they are in the wrong field, studying the wrong major. I'm sure you don't want to switch courses after studying crap you hate for months (unless you have a fat wallet, then give it a go).

Yup, that bloody rich.

Hope this post helps you to think twice before making one of your biggest life decisions, definitely more obliging writes regarding college education to come!

Stay smiling, Alanis xx.