Monday, 27 April 2015

Infatuated in Frail

Already self-minded, dreaming to execute tasks single-handed all the way, barely possible to endure other people's alterable imperfections, yup that's me. Go on, point those fingers, I won't object. At least I'm clear of my own traits, and never thought about twisting them three hundred sixty, a little amend is alright though. It's just that it keep's fucking up my logic in social every single day.

When I was still a kid who volunteered & gave truthful opinions from pure heart, people loathe me. For my dictatorial characteristic, my straight judgements. But deep down inside, all I wanted was to help out, to make things better, to strive for victory. With the tiny flaws I see, my itchy fingers can't help but to snap things right without taking its smooth turn. I have my ways of picking out people's dents & marks, harsh I would say, but there wasn't a chance it never soaked into their ears. To be exact, my way of correction works, but it was often misconstrue. Tired of it happening developed my permanent silence & hidden blames.

The day two days ago displayed my death in persuasion. Despite it's a function I head, I lost my rock-like viewpoint. I gave in, loosely allowing people trampling over choices I should make. Not a surprise, my once stubborn correct-all-fault trait was indelibly numbed by the past happenings. My inner self was going wildfire, but I couldn't voice out at all. Probably because I couldn't manage its side effects I'll earn later on. Frail heart I own, damn I hate myself.

Wake me up before I do something immutable, please.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

An Unforeseen Attempt

(Warning: Contains graphic that some may find triggering & disturbing.)

Around a week ago, a punishing covenant was made between my senior & I. One of its chapters is I need to stop cutting instantaneously which is scarcely possible. But I forcefully stroll along with it as the other side of the deal was something he must achieve for his own sake. I really want him to do so.

Well, everything went smooth until yesterday. It went psychotic, or should I say, wrong.

Before history lesson started, I was feeling ill, not physically but mentally. After not cutting myself for days, I'm losing it pretty badly. My primary output of poor feelings taken away from me in a sudden wasn't a helpful doing at all. As expected, I broke down on my desk with my favourite sweater blanketed my upper body, hiding away my fragility. It was pointless, sniffing my puffy nose & drowning my cheeks with tears for minutes, staring aimlessly at the scribblings on the desk. My mind was soon pervaded with half-baked thoughts while my common sense faded away. At that moment, it is powerfully proven to me that cutting was my drug. Like cigarettes & heroin, it's impossible to draw this inimical addiction to a halt in seconds. My head rolled around, attempting to free myself from this absurd crack-up. Tears just wouldn't stop travelling pass my dejected face no matter how hard I try to picture happy thoughts.

The collapse paused for a moment when my history teacher entered the class. After vigorously wiping my stained face with my sleeves, I laid on my desk as if I were dead, or waiting for it to happen. My sense shuffled thoughts around, playing its role as a distraction. Out of the blue, it landed on my suicidal thoughts real hard. Images of my pictured death flood my mind projector as if it's encouraging me to end this once and for all. Tempted to do so, I grabbed my blade from my bag and gently placed it onto my left wrist. For a minute I knew I wasn't going to execute my temporary vision because of the agreement I promised with the senior whom I trust. My urge for him to change is so enormous I held onto the blade tight. Another reason was because I wasn't daring enough to do it. I kept thinking about the luckless person who finds my body, the regrets I know I can never take.

Suddenly my previous thought shook me a little. I said I wasn't daring enough? How's that so? It's like saying "Alanis, you're admitting you're a COWARD. You're a WEAKLING who can't stand pain of just cuts of a tiny blade? What's wrong with you? Aren't you tired of losing to others? Then do something! Prove that you own no fear!"

That did the job.

Unintentionally after the voice in my head pronounced its last word, my right hand held the blade up & in a blink, it slashed across the wrist of my left arm. Not knowing what I did was actually divergent than the past cuts, I turned my head back and stared at my wounded arm.

And oh god, I actually did it. Very deep.

Just days after the words.

In shock, I stoned while observing the wound unseal widely. The vein can be seen as it's exposed to air around us. In an instance, blood began to flow tremendously fast out of my gaping cut. At that moment, accomplishment was my biggest triumph while hysteria grew second in me. It woke me up making me realise I'm actually in class, wrist spilling out gory red, seating at the most front row, teacher only few steps away. With no choice, I had to stop the bleeding or else I would had died in school, making a bloody scene out of nowhere. Argh so close.

Half an hour later, I managed to calm myself down as I already swallowed my drug deep enough. I kept thinking, "Woah, I actually done that, I actually own the guts, holy crap that was deranged." The cut was so severe it needed stitches (I didn't go get them though). But at the same time, I sort of broke the agreement between my senior & I. Hmm talking about terms I actually didn't, because I only agreed on not cutting, but what I did was to commit suicide. So yup, it's different I suppose.

So deep it hurts to the extend I can't play my buddy here ;(

"Addiction isn't about using drugs, it's about what the drug does to your life."

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Addiction in Rain

It all began two years ago
An incident happened that made blood unflow
My heart pierced by a deathly arrow
That's when I started to suicide in slow

A penny I paid for a rusty blade
For the action prepared to tame my own hate
With no second thoughts a cut unfold red
A moment none believed but it's when I met my mate

Soon enough my nerves lost its pain
As this has became my addiction in rain
It covers depression inside that's inhumane
As long as blood drips, my mind shall be sane.

Hope this will be my last cut. #fingerscrossed

- Inspired to write before I really try to quit this addiction. Wish me luck. -

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

To My 12 Year Old Self

To my 12 year old self,

Why did you care about how others view you so much? Are you really boastful, arrogant, selfish? You were always special in your way, your extraordinary thoughts, those were amazing, you know. If you actually executed things like how you want them to be, there wouldn't be so many regrets tailing you like kites right now.

Must you really perform the mistakes others did on you just to neutralise the pain? Yes you were harshly bullied every single day in school, but does bullying other weaker kids makes you stronger? I don't think so. It's erroneous to express your silent agony in such an awful way. Watching other kids cry only exhort you to cry with them as you feel their torment, despair. What you should do is pick up your recorder from the trash can & use it to whack your bullies in the face. Blood may be present, but it's still better than sobbing at the corner of the class, trust me.

Oh and don't be such a rebel! I understand you hate to tie your hair every day before school & do assignments from teachers you detest, but you are a student in a good school, Alanis. Follow the freaking school rules, it's not that hard! Plus you won't believe this, but that rebellious trait of you didn't do any good in high school either. I guess I shouldn't be the one obeying rules, but creating them. (Still not an excuse alright.)

Was it too tough to volunteer for speeches & competitions? Don't be sheepish! You know you're born with an extrovert personality, so make good use of it! You dreamt so long for that story-telling competition, but in the end you just threw it to a friend because you were afraid? Come on, don't lack that self-confidence you're gifted with! Just because a horrible incident occurred that crushed your courage when you were younger, doesn't mean you'll always stuck being that way, right? If you didn't own such poor self-reliance, I bet you would had started your YouTube career when you were 10. See all the remorse?

Well, at least you tried your best being you, 12 year old self. I'm truly proud of you, and I appreciate what you'd done for your own future. Merci beaucoup ;)


Sunday, 5 April 2015

The Boy Who Changed

It all began two years ago. Nothing much, our first glance of each other in school. It's astounding that we only met after three years being in the same environment. But our meet was a mistake I should had known at the start.

The actual stare was in January 11, 2014, where we share the same band in some club I'm pretty active in. I was the assistant head of the band, which means I'm sort of his 'senior' although he's a year older than me. During ice-breaking session, he was sort of the only person responding to questions, I guess that's when I situate more awareness on him than the others. Without regards, we started chatting online almost every day. He would began it with questions concerning the club, then slowly drifting away to unrelating contents that kept the conversation going. To be frank, I was comfortable with this happening, as I felt being mildly cherished in a way I was never before. Our talks were arbitrary, which is something I looked forward to after coming back from boring school.

Months passed, our chats never came to a halt. Our relationship became distinct, but without the terms of love. I would say a guy best friend of mine. We shared our life happenings, glee, hatred, everything exactly. I was temporarily out of solitude, surprising I know. The indelible chapter was during the night of a camp in a forest. We lay supine on cold beige ground, head to head, enjoying the beauty of dense midnight blue and glowing stars. It was a phenomenon not everyone could live, a memory I could never forget.

But I was drowning in oblivion.

Weeks later, we skyped about random thoughts again. Out of the blue, he created an epiphany. He first asked me for a favour, I agreed. He then unveil words I never hope to hear.

He fell in love with a close friend of mine.

I stunned like rock, not knowing what to feel. Lucky that we weren't skyping through video. Momentarily shutting down my feelings, I congratulated him with emojis and suggested ways for his success to chase his girl of dreams. Minutes later I ended the call, breaking down forthwith on my pillow. I suddenly realise I was crushing on him all the while. Our bond was so ephemeral I didn't know how to drag it to an end.

Soon, his relationship with the girl he love shattered into bits without a single doubt from the spectators. It was kind of presumed from their different types of traits that hardly click.  Me on the other hand was crippled, vanquished. I found out he treated other girls like how he treated me. To be more specific, he was basically flirting to every other girl I know. I attempted to let it go, but it couldn't break free unless I spit the truth. And I did after a deep breath during our last friendly chat. It certainly didn't went well, but my gloom soon freed itself into the past. Hooray?

Time pass while I observe the change of our lives. Soon I thanked myself for not crushing too hard on him. He isn't the guy I thought he is. He took a turn after his graduation. Changed his looks from smart to trashy. I don't know. I sort of taste grief of not understanding him utterly before I lay my crush, but also because I don't want him to change. I want him to stay as that boy who's neat, astute, kind. Maybe he doesn't know he once owned these qualities, but he truly did, at least in people's eyes. To be honest, I experienced a dash of relief and joy too as I'm completely over him.

To the boy who changed: If you're reading this, pause and refresh your mind. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, and it's not too late to make a U-turn. Change not for me or the people around you, but yourself. Please.