Flawed Jaws

Everyone has their flaws, and today I chose to talk about the physical ones that can be identified on one's look in a blink of an eye. Mine is something rare that happens in the circle of friends I live in, something that must be explained when one questions. You'd probably noticed as it's pretty obvious, my underbite has been causing many misunderstandings for a while now.

Yup.

Got it from my dad's genes, I was born with an underbite that grew much more obvious throughout my childhood years. Surprisingly, I didn't knew I had it until I was called 'monkey' during my 3rd year in primary school. Staring at the mirror for hours like an insecure teenager, I was wondering - "What's wrong with me? Why do I look different from my friends? Am I really a monkey?" Luckily I wasn't a kid who care much about other people's judgements (or at least during then) thus I happily brushed it off & continue living life. Slowly, I realised it's getting obvious & obvious year by year, and I began to feel my unconfident shivers popping out of my chest. I didn't like it, the look & the nicknames, especially when they are reflected on one's face which is unavoidable to take a glance at everyday.

In high school, noticeable changes are my abnormal smiles, trying to hide the lower lip in but it only show the jaws more. As my teeth are also very untidy with chunks of it growing with different angles, I had one of the worse teeth you can ever have. An often asked question by my school mates was "why don't you go get braces?",  even I thought so too. Until I pulled my parents along to the dentist far away from home to get it checked & inquired more about it, I became aware that my case isn't the usual 'crooked teeth' kind of situation where you just pull out a few teeth & have braces on for years to have it solved. It's an underbite, the only way to fix it is surgery. Freezing that moment, I was terrified of the pain & the huge amount of uncomfortable time I had to go through, but I was so willing to fix it I could agree with whatever treatment as long as the nicknames stopped shooting towards my head.

But the problem is not about the pain, neither the hurting clock ticks, but the cost.

The surgery costed 30 thousand bucks, you see. Adding on the 2-years-braces & getting a few teeth out, the total's around 40k. Insurance couldn't cover a single cent as it's considered as a type of cosmetic surgery, something to improve one's appearance instead of health (but lets talk facts, fixing an underbite does improve teeth health). Staring at my parents' astonishing faces, I knew the answer's no. Went home sobbing in the car, my head was filled with negativity of continuous mocking I had to face all my life. People didn't knew the stuff they say about it actually hurts the hell out of me. Try being called an ape everyday in class, it's not something laughable at all. Friends often misunderstand my mood when they stare at me while I try to pay attention in class, most would think I'm mad as I do look mad, but I was not. Having a resting bitchface all the time is already not helping my life, imagine having an underbite stacked on. Plus it's not something I could possibly hide in any way, something I have to deal with 24/7 in the social space we live in.

The point is, think twice before you start to judge on one's personality or anything. Or don't judge at all & just go home already. I used to be very unconfident about my underbite, but now I'd accepted it as a part of me & I feel okay letting it show its flaws to the world I see. Yes it definitely annoys the hell out of me when people don't get me, but what can you say? A little explanation wouldn't hurt a soul I guess. Would I still have the surgery done in the future when I could afford it? The answer's yes. Hey, it's not because I'm denying my father's genes, but I'd love to see how I look with such a flaw taken away from me, it would be fun shocking the friends who once teased me too (you'll see what you missed hohoho). Anyways, don't look down on the physical flaws you own aites! Embrace it to the fullest, it's a part of you so you gotta be proud of it! Extraordinary always beats the ordinary, don't let it incinerate your social life in any way!

That awkward smile?

I feel you, you feel me, we all are in this journey together. Just be yourself yup!

Wishing you a fun December, Alanis xx.

Onision Saved My Life

It's midnight, I'm watching Onision's videos regarding self-harm & suicidal thoughts for psychological needs (to balance out my mind) and I felt this strange feeling of not knowing what's my next step to proceed. What can I do to continue fixing myself piece by piece, getting stronger day by day? My current answer's I don't know, not because I fell into my own hole again, but I don't seem to get a glance of chance of me getting help. Not on me this time.

To credit the someone whom really snapped me out of my near-death misery, I would say the person's Onision (aka Gregory Jackson). He's a YouTuber able to be considered as my favourite, makes straight up honest videos without a single fuck given, and speaks by experience. Scrolling back in time, I was severely depressed for numerous reasons - unfitting environment, moronic friendships, parents who find me unacceptable, eating disorders and more. Soon after months of terrible productivity, I took up a habit of blades & blood. Frankly, friends who noticed said words which never helped, instead unintentionally dug me a deeper hole. As I was always hooked up with YouTube during unsleepable nights & free time, the search bar I clicked then typed 'suicidal thoughts'. Onision popped out. And that's when I was given the first ever help.

It may sound crazy or insane to you guys about how obsessed I am to YouTube to even gain therapy from a social website. Well here's the thing, I have nowhere to go. My parents (sorry to say), they really don't give a single fuck about my mental health. I tried to hint them, instead they told me depression's shit & would never kill me & it's bullshit & I'm just trying to make my parents have pity on me and some other crap (including disowning me). Trust me, there's no other way my parents could play aid in my situation, one more step they come & I'd probably pull the trigger. Friends, not exactly a positive outcome for me either (I didn't really approached, I just distant myself). Some adults I know either advice me too much on irrelevant facts which irritates or they don't give a shit at all. Thus, this all leads to myself. I can't afford therapy sessions without my parents knowing, school counselling seems like the worst decision I could had went for, there're basically nothing I can call out for without my parents understanding. Now you see the light of why YouTube means so much to me.

Back to topic, I was watching his videos in autoplay rolling continuously, most are the same ones I used to watch last time when I was in an unstable state. One of the best attainment was that his one video made me stop cutting instantaneously (scars scars scars). The inspiration was always there, but the effect reduced itself. Here's my current situation; I'm swimming after I'd recover from drowning, but in a pool without ladders. I broke the wobbly position I stood, but now I'm stuck without a guiding light. I desperately need someone to talk to, a therapist for example, to get me running again. From replaying videos from YouTubers such as Hannah Hart & Onision, it's wonderful to know how they regain themselves from obtaining therapy help & becoming who they are today. And I don't ask for much, but just a helping hand I could grab on, someone I could express the grey side of me. People who know me would picture me as someone who laughs & smiles all the time even at 'lame' situations, that's the image I desire to portrait to the people around me. However, equilibrium flips itself 180° after only exposing one side of oneself. That's what getting me, watching amazing people go through a similar past as my current time by accepting who they are & getting help, but I don't own the opportunity to feel better. I suppose it's eligible for me to say it's unfair.

That's all I urge to write out from heart as my comments & feelings after rewatching numerous of Onision's life-saving videos. He really is amazing (p.s. we share the same birthday). Greg, if you're reading this, hope you get the thank you message & if you could do so, write or sound back as it would help so much.


Have a great weekend, Alanis xx.

Michelle a.k.a. Awkwardos

First glare sent me a quiet kitten
The one who studies hard all autumn
Stunned to bits with my wrong judgement
As she's quite a hipster, never a roman

Random phrases she habitually pops
Trying to make sure the fun never stops
Cute stuff and cats steal her tops
Nugget_Pancake and tons of lolipops

Brofist our way to 'Balalalala'
Bubba Babbu's I to her awesome mama
I suppose we're fated as awkward fellas
Somehow she reminds me of the husky, Mishka

Toothsome craving often we share
Yes, food's a priority only both of us bear
She's one in a million who plays the games fair
A really great friend I would refer too rare

Remember you handed me a meaningful letter?
In case you didn't know, it smiled me like Mad Hatter
Sorry this poem could be done so much better
Hope you love it, you crazy mustache mister!

Awkwardos - Gauche buddies! ;P

- Inspired by the infinite-years-classmate // Big Hero 6 fanmate! -

Young Millionaires

Hey peeps! How did the week went? Ah it felt like months to me, but the weekend was great!

So I had just attended a 2 day 'Young Millionaire' course hosted by the best selling author Dato' Joey Yap. Hmm how did it went you ask? I would say that it was best Saturday I invested my time & money in. Not just I got myself inspired much, but it sort of woke me up in many ways. An alarm reminder I needed since I own a dream.

Throughout the course, I slowly realised that I'm a kid who owns many talents & skills, but I'm just lying on my beanbag waiting for them talents to shine on its own. Not just waiting, but the platform for the shining process is not even present. Yup I definitely am growing my YouTube channel by shovelling them talents there, but currently it only acts as an ordinary hobby that wouldn't get me anywhere if I only continue to just post content whenever I caught myself in boredom. Addition to that, it's freaking YouTube & Blogger, man. How high are the chances I could succeed in making a life being a YouTuber if I just post instrumental covers & animations like most people around me do better? Want to become a Young Millionaire, Alanis? Then I gotta start working on the extraordinary.

Dato' Joey Yap's life story was pretty cool too. Able to make huge bucks in the college/uni years was awe-inspiring enough for me, kinda reminds me of making a few hundreds out of selling comics during my early high school life. What a fun time it was. Speaking bout them comics, I should probably publish the new one sitting on my desk, still raw & jumbled in order if I desire compel to begin my path to becoming a YM.

Nope, don't you dare question me about SPM. Screw that shit.

Snapshot with Dato' Joey Yap :)

Saturday invested well.

Lastly, thank you lots to Dato' Joey Yap for hosting such a motivating & enkindling programme! All the best in life & enjoy doing the stuff you love.

Cheers, Alanis xx.

Nedd a.k.a. BFF

A lady I wouldn't address
But a tigress in a dress
Her ideas so brave it's a mess
Sadly the shy in her is an ass

Her dimples mark her cool
Which I find not so true
She's so strong like a bull
Strength never used for cruel

Her food choice is my rage
So choosey I'd lock her in a cage
Although we share the same age
I believe she owns a younger page

Her worries settle on almost everything
She needs to keep calm and start singing
Her voice so good four chairs would swing
An imperfectly perfect package to be seen

Alas the down side lies on me
The friend who tried not hard enough to show her the world she foresees
I deeply hope she finds joy & glee
And live her dream like honey & bee.

15 year old cat-smiles. Ah, surely miss those junior times. 

- Not exactly inspired but requested by Nedd herself. :D
  Well, it counts though as she IS an inspiration. (written few months ago) -

Beats Before Talent

Memories pulled me back to when I was five, I remember randomly hitting objects with stationaries such as pencils and crayons because I feel like to. Annoyance was the term teachers and adults pinned on me besides weird and noisy. But the truth is, I don't know why. Why are my knuckles always hungry to knock, why are my fingers so playful to play the piano even when the keys aren't present. Mom & dad used to say it's a bad habit of mine that I need to get rid of, which I found hard to understand back then. How is knocking objects a negative addiction?

Question marks continue to hunt my immature mind when I hopped onto elementary school. As usual, I drum my desk with out-of-ink pens or sometimes fingers when I wasn't aware of my physical side. Students dislike my company in class because of the distractions I create. Of course I felt down for some time, but I was pretty fine with such an unexplainable habit of mine. At least it's better than grinding my teeth that produces a sandy resonance, which I told no one before.

Things began to clear its rainy clouds above my head when I got enrolled into high school. My addiction sort of 'improved' through years of heedless practice I perform everywhere I went. Soon, my beats got noticed by a true friend of mine. She referred my convention as a talent which gently blown my mind away. During the time, I discovered an amazing musical expertise from my classmate. As you guessed (or not), it's a thing named "Pen Tapping", which is creating fruitful beats by only one or two pens on a desk. I was staggered by such a rare informal performance my friend played in class and decided to get my itchy hands on it. With a month, Pen Tapping was a flair I could include in my casual application.

Yup, just two pens & a desk.

Very unexpectedly, this stage of mine became my main spotlight of my YouTube channel. My first cover went viral within the humans I know in days. Subscribers click the button more for pens than piano, proving that something I learnt in a month was attractive than a skill I took years to master. I admit I feel down sometimes watching my piano covers lose gas while on their way shooting to the stars, but a long lost invincible spark managed to drag me back on stage. 

I never knew my randomness in knocking solid objects could turn into my spotlight till now.

The focal message I want to send to you all amazing humans is real simple: Everyone owns a talent that allows each of us to shine in our own unique ways. Hidden or not, never give up on cultivating it even if you may meet harsh barriers on your hilly journey. 'Cause trust me, you're going to need that talent with you one day in order to permanently frame that cheeky smile on your face.

Meow. (Yup this cheeky smile)

Subscriber or not, thank you for the support on YouTube from the bottom of my heart. ;) 

15 Dots of my Bucket List

"You know all those things you've always wanted to do? You should go do them."

Was I yawning or roaring again?

Here are 15 tiny but mighty dots of my current bucket list. :)


1. Travel all around the world. Backpacking would be a fitting challenge!

2. Master culinary art, earn the title of Top Chef & hold the chance to meet my favourite chefs (Guy, Kristen Kish, Cat Cora etc).

3. Deserve my own YouTube Partner Reward of getting 100K Subs (silver) and 1M Subs (gold)!

4. Receive an invitation to a really cool YouTube Collaboration. (YT Rewind!)

5. Keep my hair real long then flare it up with gentle red highlights. Mmmm.

6. Own 4 kids named Logan, Danielle, Zoey & Asher.

7. Have a collection of my favourite fashion assets: Hoodies, Snapbacks, Sneakers...

8. Open a restaurant of a combination of my two favourite cuisines, French & Mexican.

9. If possible, get a double degree of fine culinary & creative directing.

10. Meet Ed Sheeran & let the inspiring artist sign my guitar with colourful sharpies.

11. Rule the guitar like Sungha Jung & expert drums till I could play by ear.

12. Learn to fluently speak & write French & German.

13. Get fit & toned, I suppose? (Nah this one's a must.)

14. Adopt a puppy / a few puppies! (Husky, Beagle, Akita, Shiba Inu..)

15. Learn Kickboxing & Parkour like a boss. Hmm I'm actually serious about it heh.

Stars on my head, I suppose?

Hope you had a beautiful day!

Alanis xx.

Levels of Aspiration

I hold a soul craving to shine

As everyone around laughed while watching me twine

Lying like death ain't gonna help so why whine

My bold painful fist lifted me up to find what's mine

I began to draw life that exists in my joy

Wild imaginations I opened and deployed

Soon people around me noticed and enjoyed

Something they would read all day without being cloyed

Few weeks later I spread the muse

Music's my spark like feet and shoes

Piano, once a chained-on torturing fuse

Became none but my emotional abuse

Rhythm and beats are somehow my thing

So hidden I never noticed till my friend taught a fling

Thanks to him as it woke me up like a bee sting

It turned into an unexpected specialty I could wing

Confidence then risked myself a bet in red

Youtube it is, which I'm glad I went ahead

A thousand subscribers, rising and never dead

The dream I worked to chase, finally revealing its bed.

Chase your dreams.

- Inspired by real life events I went through. -

A.A.T.S.

All above the stars
Kept my hopes ajar
It lies in space so far
Where dreams and futures are

I slept in quiet snow
While working hard below
Cause a bow without an arrow
Presents nothing but a show

We strike and charge by dawn
Before white blood is drawn
So don't lay down and yawn
Why put your soul to pawn

Loyal, strong-willed cries
Made when its soulmate dies
The lion shall be I
Who avenge unfair goodbyes

The last call is plain sight
Nothing but empty might
Voice only promised light
And perform by tonight

Stars, stars everywhere.

- Inspired by my blog title -

Start of Music

“I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” 

Some of you should be familiar with this quote. It's from a book "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman. I haven't read the book yet, but its film was one of my favourite movies. Inspiring & life-reviving, Also reminds me of the start of my early music life. Contrary to Mia's though.

Parents want their kids to learn music because you know, musical kids are better in studies, blablabla and so on. Piano was the path my parents chose for me. I started learning when I was 5. As a kid I enjoyed it a lot, playing 'Do Re Mi' while reading those colourful scores filled with cute pictures. Beethoven Bear & Mozart Mouse was a part of my childhood. But soon I could feel it wasn't as enjoying as I thought. My parents want me to take ABRSM examinations so I could level up & be better. It's cool you know, improving your skills and all, but it felt wrong. Only allowed to play my examination songs & scales. I was forced to practice & practice for hours. 

It was lucky that I had guts as a kid. I told my parents about how I felt about the exams & told them to take it easy on me. But my piano class fees weren't cheap, so my parents can't afford to let me waste time playing songs I want. It soon became torture to me. I often cried on the way to piano class, screaming excuses to skip classes as I was never good enough for my teacher. I tried to not touch the piano whenever I can. Something I used to love became something I hate awfully. Life suck during that period of time, everything seemed to be falling apart.

Please Mia, don't make me write a song.

As predicted, in 2011, my parents stopped my piano classes as they don't want to force me doing something I hate. I felt like I could breathe again, being able to stop playing exam pieces.  At first I always distanced myself from the piano, then I started to cover pop songs we hear everyday on the radio. Play-by-ear is a talent I was born with, so covering songs are a piece of cake to me. I started a Youtube channel with my piano covers uploaded there. Things started to get better, smiles started to appear on me more.

Two years later, I'd decided to go back to piano classes to continue where I left off.  I'm going for ABRSM Grade 8 next, but this time I made a deal, saying that I'll enjoy the journey playing songs I want & also practicing for my upcoming exam. Till now, everything was going smoother than ever. My Youtube career's cool, 245 subs & growing fast, and my Grade 8 exam's in April 2015. 

In the end, I would say mistakes are made for a reason. Without stopping classes, I wouldn't find out what I could do with my play-by-ear talent. I wouldn't had started a Youtube channel, I wouldn't enjoy music the way I do now. I'm glad I never gave up on what my parents had chose for me & instead choose my dream instrument, which was the violin. Still, I'm getting one as soon as I pass my Grade 8 as it's the instrument I would die to master. You won't believe this but yup I learnt how I play the violin in 3 hours. 

Someday I'll be playing it like how Mia plays her Cello, throwing myself into the violin, playing my soul in the wild. Dreams.

Back To Comics

Few days ago I have no idea why, but I started to think about my future, my careers & grown up stuff. Weird. And I look at my friends, most of them had their future perfectly planned, their grades are terribly good & all. Me? Sitting on the couch all day, snacking snicker bars & stuck myself with my macbook, not even knowing what am I searching for. Yup I needa go get Mr. Productivity back.

When I was in my first year in high school, I drew & sold comics to my friends. Unexpectedly it was a great hit, I earned 150 bucks for each episode (I sold 3). Suddenly I got bored of it & I stopped, even leaving a 'to be continued' story from episode 3 in the middle of nowhere. Sorry to those who waited!

Well, I'm now starting to draw them again (Yayyyy) but this time it's gonna be a little different. Ditching the long kiddy fantasy tales, I heading for short comics. You know, the four-boxes-kind-of type. It took some time for inspirations to get to me, but surprisingly it's doing fine so far. :)

Unfinished comics with sketches.

Finished comics!

My draft book (I bring it with me wherever I go so I won't miss the chance when inspiration hits me!)

So that's basically how my comics are done. It's definitely time-consuming, but seeing the outcome of it is one of the best feelings ever! After I finished quite a number of them I'll start selling them again, hoping for the best! Comment if you want the comics posted here, no worries I'm fine by that! (Depends on the amount of demands I receive) :P

Dreams Upon The Sky

When I was a kid, I used to think that stars are dreams floating above the skies. When a dream is achieved, a star blinks & disappears. I don't know where I got this idea about stars, but it was in my head all the time.

Hey there! The name's Alanis, 16 & screwing up my first blog with my weird attraction to stars. Yup I love stars, cuz they are the ones who kept me company when I was a kid. Every night I couldn't sleep, I would look out the window, amaze my eyes with the millions of stars that covered the deep dark sky. For some reason I feel inspired by their uniqueness, it makes me feel less alone.

Not what you expected, I'm just a tiny insecure kid hiding in the shadows, kinda living in my own world, trying to work things out myself. Ain't that popular kid or that smart ass who aces every test, but just that lone kid. But somehow I'm pretty cool with things I'm good at. Music, drawing, stuff like that, and that makes me not that "hidden" after all. Interesting personality, I would say.

So why I started a blog? Was finding a place to hammer down my feelings that are hard to be said, also a place to jot down interesting chapters about my life. Well I hope it'll be an amazing journey, also hoping to get different opinions from you guys out there. A warm new beginning to me. :)

"There is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars." - John Green