Unable to feel anything
Rage, sorrow, glee, love
As if emotions never existed in life.
Since the last few hectic months, I've been feeling awfully weird. To describe weird, I don't know how to. Emotions that used to bother me hastily stopped running its track, but trashing me in another worse way my inner army was never prepared for. I feel impossible to deliver what I perceive in heart into expressions. With a harsh saying, I couldn't even feel emotions normally anymore. I'm feeling empty inside.
Of all the different emotions that a person can have, empty is one of the most uncomfortable. To feel empty is to feel incomplete. It’s a feeling of something absent or missing inside of you, of being different, set apart, alone, lacking, numb. To someone who seems strong on the outside, yes it's a very scary experience. With that tigress cover I own, emptiness locked a laugh on my expressions when I'm sobbing deep inside. No matter how much I need to cry in order for me to explode my impurities, to balance my mind, it just won't happen.
A week ago, I attended an informal conference I was looking forward to. Not because of anything special, but I crave to spill the thoughts I long balled in heart. It was something really necessary to spill as it was a similar problem that changed me 3 years ago, unfortunately it's seems to be happening again. My past mistake years ago was that I never managed to say things out, which caused no one to understand my doings since then. I promised myself that I got to face a breakdown if it was needed, because trust me, I really really craved to get my thoughts splattered once and for all, to get rid of that stone in my heart.
But what happened? I didn't say it. I just couldn't do it in the manner I covet.
Worse is that a friend of mine stood up & fought justice for me, resulting her the lost of a dear friend. Blame's all on me, inducing this problematic I to endure another downhill of messed up sentiment. Of course I expressed her my deepest gratitude with a touch of gravitational guilt, but in the hub, how bleak I would want time to rewind itself so I could stop her from disclosing my moderately-confidential matter in a way I didn't favor. Chiefly, she made me felt remorseful with all the crumpled thoughts in my head, as if I wasn't bearing enough shots before that unwelcomed happening.
But what happened? I didn't say it. I just couldn't do it in the manner I covet.
Worse is that a friend of mine stood up & fought justice for me, resulting her the lost of a dear friend. Blame's all on me, inducing this problematic I to endure another downhill of messed up sentiment. Of course I expressed her my deepest gratitude with a touch of gravitational guilt, but in the hub, how bleak I would want time to rewind itself so I could stop her from disclosing my moderately-confidential matter in a way I didn't favor. Chiefly, she made me felt remorseful with all the crumpled thoughts in my head, as if I wasn't bearing enough shots before that unwelcomed happening.
Instead of hoping my glass will soon be filled up with sanity, I pray that my glass doesn't possess a crack at its bottom, leaking away efforts of blood.
Alanis xx.
(I actually ended this painful write early as I'm starting to sink into vacuity again. Apologies.)
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