Trying to be The Girl

When I was 7 years old, I remember attending my friend's birthday party. My whole class attended so it was crowded. After the birthday girl unwrapped all her gifts, we proceeded to playtime in another room. My friends started playing with Barbie Dolls which was normal to me, but I went to play Hotwheels with the boys. I was unnoticed for 5 minutes until some boy shouted, "Hey Alanis, whatcha doing here? Aren't you suppose to join the girls?" I answered with a chill that I dislike Barbie Dolls because they were too girly, the boys started laughing with the term "gay", later including the girls too. I sat there with a frown and walked away, not really understanding what was so funny.

I was almost done with elementary school as I was often teased by my "friends" about my look and likings. I had a boycut most of the time & love playing basketball & football (although I suck at them). Even when I had long hair, I hate to brush it & tie them up before heading to school. I started to know that I couldn't go on without wearing a bra anymore which was a nightmare. As time goes by, I found that I cannot be a girl the way other girls are girls (at least not by being myself). I just like being carefree without having the need to close my legs when I sit or eat the right amount (I eat a lot - I loveeee food). 

I began to change during the time in high school. I wore dresses, tried speaking the way girls speak. I did sports not as rough as I usually do, which didn't help at all. My look was judged by popular girls who had the ideal bodies boys would go for. I shouldn't, but thanks to my sensitivity, I started to control my food portions. When I saw results, my excitement roared as I went over the limit. I felt happiness & bliss when I shot an underweight reading on the scale, I had confidence wearing tight clothes. People noticed, and they praised. So this is the way a normal girl should be? Well that's tough I would say. Not to mention, Ana & Mia were once my friends, Mia's still hanging on.

Played monkey bars till my skin fell off, woops.

Currently I'm in the wobbly state of Ana. Sometimes I eat a lot, sometimes I starve myself. Sometimes Mia steps in to help as she's the only one who cares. I still stick with my boy hair as it's the only 'myself' I have on me. Boys continue to tease while I act cool with it, worst was when a boy pulled my hair to test was it a wig or not. I have feelings, and why don't put in some effort & respect them? I don't ask for much, but at least allowing me to be the one I was born to be.

Yes I'm trying, although I don't have it considered enough.