Tuesday 26 May 2015

The Wonderland of Mine

"Good Night, daddy. See you tomorrow." I spoke with a soft voice towards my marble door, watching daddy's shadow disappear.

Hmm, a day spent well at cozy home, I though. Basic freedom, breezy sunlight, a kitchen to mess up with my still-in-practice culinary skills. Although it's a little sad being alone, at least I could be myself. Doesn't it feel extremely comfortable being so? Even though if I'm put through tough conditions, or even death, at least it's the real me on my cover. And that's all I ask for, a space to be myself.

Soon before I realised, my exhausted mind dozed off with my midnight thoughts as its lullaby. Across this dot, my souls has traveled into another dimension which its existence unknown. Only I can figure out the answer, but without an answer to search for. Confusing, ain't it? Well, people call them "dreams" or so. If I doesn't make you grin, then "nightmare"is its name. As what I prefer it to be named, "Wonderland". Inspired by Lewis Carroll. Finally, it sounds fair and mystical, good and bad combined into such a wonderful term. But the wonderland of mine ain't worth a smile at all.

"Tick-tock-tick-tock-ringggg....." a familiar sound woke my soul lying in another girl's body. As what it felt I was programmed to perform, I stood up and proceed to clean myself and get dressed. The first image that gave me a shiver was my uniform, hinting me that I was heading to an accident. Oatmeal for breakfast later, I sat my dad's car to what I call "Institution of Hell", as it was the only venue I was permanently coded to be someone else.

First step over hell's boundary, I could already feel the thickness of the air that caused me ill. The people around me, friends, rivals, unknowns, all made me felt lifeless in seconds. The inner me walked with an old man's stick while my cover seemed totally alright. Feared for conversations, I forced myself to sleep in the room I was ordered to be in. Oh, my internal soul, I meant. From the exposed, I looked like I was daydreaming through the rusted walls. Not even half a day was history yet.

During the break which I preferred as "Torture of Crowds", my coded self went to greet humans I envy. The hatred towards myself grew as there was no one else to blame except for me. Fortunately, I had control to get myself food so I could much my bites at a snail pace to prevent involving myself into any kind of chatter. My inner self teared up at this point, dying to wake up from this terrifying wonderland. Of course, a classical pinch stopped working since year 1865.

Back in our miserable boxes of erudition, my stopwatch was the one and only sight my eyes locked on. My traumatic brain calculated time to rain a drop of hope for my internal soul. Humans walk, run by my opaque body as if I wasn't an existence. Ignorance never tried itself as I guessed its outcome of waving hello. Sprawling on my dusty desk like a corpse left floating on the ocean, I ponder about why was this nightmare-ish wonderland fated on me, why wouldn't it accept a twist and just let myself be free for once. My rage grew but coding did its working numbing my unapparent feelings.

"Dear sun, you can rise anytime now." I begged in thoughts.

After what it felt like days, my real daddy snapped me out from a land I would die to never return. He informed me to get ready for a picnic by nine. I questioned him about school as the day's mad Monday, he answered, "Silly, yesterday was just Friday! Are you that eager for school, Alanis?"


And the cycle goes on.


Was that even a dream?



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